The Real World: Philadelphia - Episode 8 Summary

'Male Nudity Sucks' By Skiver

Hi, my name is, well, let’s call me Skyler. I know at least three Skylers at my school, so it’s not like I’m identifying myself or anything. I’m fifteen, and I’m what my Uncle Skiver calls one of the ‘core audience’ for the Real World. He went on to explain what he meant by that, but I wasn’t listening. He’s kind of boring and long-winded, my uncle is. He was going on about titillation and childish behavior, and I was like: whatever, dude. I watch it ‘cause I like the hot chicks.

My uncle can't be bothered to write the summary, 'cause he's bored with the morons on the show, but I say: They may be boring, but there are chicks in bikinis. What more do you need? Anyway, he "persuaded" me to try to write the summary. It’s one of my ambitions to be on the show one day – along with being like a famous astronaut actor – and my uncle said that if I had writing about the show in my resume, that might make me look good to the casting director people when I’m finally old enough to apply. I asked Uncle Skiver to give me some money for doing this, but he just laughed and said that if I do this for him, he wouldn’t tell my parents about the web-sites I’d visited when I borrowed his laptop one time. What a loser. When I’m famous, he’ll be trying to get into some club I’m at, telling people he’s my uncle and stuff and I’ll be like: “I’ve got no idea who that dude is. Take him away and beat him up.” Man, that’ll be sweet.

So anyway, I started watching this episode a little late. I had ten IM conversations going and it took me a while to tell them what I was going to do and why I wasn’t getting paid. So the first thing I saw was Charlie Brown-with-girly-curls headed Landon talking to girly-headed-with-curls MJ and hot black chick Shavonda, saying that he hasn’t gone without sex ‘this long’ in like, three or four years. I can’t believe any chick would ever give this ugly moron sex. Even I get turned down very occasionally, and I’m way hotter than that dude. (And just while we’re on the subject, let’s get one thing straight. I’m not a virgin. I’ve done it lots of times with girls from out of state. I met them on vacations, like, really.)

Landon gets bored of telling MJ and Shavonda what a loser he is, and starts walking away. “What time is it?” Shavonda calls after him.
“Time to get laid!” he calls back, as if he had a chick waiting for him wherever he’s walking to. As if.
Shavonda looks at MJ and says something like: “You sleep with the boy so you better watch out, cause he’s gonna jump on you one of these nights!”
MJ looks like he’s just heard his Mom walk in when he was doing some one-handed browsing, if you know what I mean. “Me?” he says, shocked.

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The next scene is some really gross stuff with Landon – who is pretty sober at this point, I guess (keep that in mind) - flashing his other housemates through the slightly fogged glass ‘wall’ thing of the house’s bathroom. This glass wall has cut outs, so he can stick his ugly grinning face through one of them while he does this flashing. Shavonda is sitting in a chair against that bathroom wall, and refusing to look round, but Melanie, walking into the scene, isn’t so lucky. She recoils in horror at first, then laughs like Landon’s thingy is smaller than a four year old’s. “Is that a little sausage I’m seeing!” she asks. (She wouldn’t be laughing if she saw me in that pose. Once I’m a cast member and I’m a bit more grown-up – not that I need to grow-up – I’ll be flashing all the woman and they’ll be lovin’ me more than McDonalds. I’m totally serious, about not needing to grow-up, okay? Look, forget I said anything.)

Sometime after that, Melanie and Sarah are sitting in some circular cut outs in some big curved wall, and Karamo comes by and tells them that Landon and Shavonda are sleeping together. I thought they knew that already? The two chicks agree that Landon isn’t going to get any from Shavonda, even though they sleep next to each other. Those chicks are pretty wise, I’d say. If saw-off melon-headed Landon gets it on with the hot Shavonda, that would be like a slap-in-the-face for all us decent-looking guys with perfectly normal heads who aren’t getting any action – not that I’m one of that group, though. No way. I meant just that I’m one of the decent-looking guys, not that I’m not getting any action, ‘cause I’m getting plenty. Just shut up, okay?

So next the old folk in the house are deciding to go out and get wasted somewhere. MJ and Landon mix a huge cocktail that MJ says is mostly vodka. Good choice, dude. I can get totally sh!t-faced on vodka, as long as there’s like a ton of fruit juice added to the stuff so I can hardly taste the vodka. They decide to go to a gay bar, which is, like, totally gay, in my opinion. Everyone in the house walks there except Melanie, who sneaked off to go to some joint by herself – probably so she can hook up with a bunch of guys better-looking and straighter than the dudes in her house, and who can blame her. Shame for her that she joined the cast a few years before I get my shot.

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