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The Real World: Philadelphia - Episode 9 Summary

'Lies, Drunks, and Puke, Oh My!' By Mon Cherie
Original Airdate: November 2, 2004

We begin tonight's episode with Landon and Sarah exploring new territory. No, not each other's naughty parts, but the city of brotherly love's sights. It's nice to see these kids discovering something besides new bars to get kicked out of. It's also nice to see that Landon's hair isn't sticking out like bat ears. He talks to Sarah about his desire for love.

Landon: "I just want to be in love again." Interpretation: "I'm desperate and horny and will do anything for a piece of action."

Sarah: "Isn't it fabulous?" Interpretation: "Don't my boobs look fabulous in this tank top?"

Landon: "Yes, it is. One of the very best feelings is to have someone love you back." Interpretation: "Yeah, it's nice to have someone put up with my assinine behavior when I'm drunk, and doesn't make fun of my troll-like hair."

Landon talks about his ex-girlfriend, who was his high school sweetheart he dated for seven years, yada yada yada. He holds her "high on a pedestal" because she has such compassion for people. She must have an asston of that if she stayed with him and his Don King hair for seven years. Back to the conversation:

Sarah: "Why didn't you try to get her back?" Interpretation: "I'm not listening to a word you are saying. You never answered me about how my funbags look in this shirt!"

Landon: "Because as much as it hurts, I need to see other people." Interpretation: "I'm desperate and horny and will do anything for a piece of action."

Apparently Landon's ex, Becky, has been dating his old roommate since they broke up. Hmmmmmm, I wonder how that happened? Maybe many late night talks and interventions due to Landon's Jekyll-Hyde act when he gets drunk? Or maybe Becky is a succubus, it's just too early to call it.

Sarah can't seem to understand why Landon doesn't love *her* because she;s too busy looking for windows into his pants soul. Landon tells Sarah that Becky is his one and only twu wuv, besides Jessica Simpson. I have my first LOL moment when Sarah calls Jessica "easy". Pot, meet kettle. My irony meter is broken.

Back at the house, Melanie answers the phone. Suprise, Becky is in town for the night (funny how that editing thing works) and would like to see Landon. Karamo makes sure Mel writes the message down as politically correct as possible.

Shavonda is on the phone with Shaun. Again. Aren't they on a break? Yes, Shavonda is on her own, but her ex loves her soooooo much he is even coming to see her! Someone's definitely getting arrested on that episode. Shaun tells Shavonda that he is off work for the day, just chillin' out. Little does she know. Very little.

Landon and Sarah are finally home, because it is getting dark, and they haven't started drinking yet. Sarah ponders the amazing timeliness of Becky's call while Landon hops on the phone, giddy with anticipation of giving his hand a rest for the night.

Ok, I'm really getting tired of the roomies talking about Becky's visit like it is the the weirdest happening, ever. Like BMP isn't behind the curtain in Oz and needs to boost ratings because noone has been arrested yet, thanks to that damn kid Karamo.

We learn just how much Shavonda is growing during her break when she says she has sent Shaun a mush-gushy e-card, and by golly, he hasn't responded. Who the hell does he think he is? Shavonda hacks into his email and sees that he hasn't read the card, but that there are many travel confirmations Shaun's ex has made to have him visit her in Texas. Which is where we all know Shaun is "getting rested". Shavonda flies into a rage and calls Shaun, who has been lying to her because he wants to avoid the drama. Imagine that. My eardrums are damaged permanently as Shavonda screams many non-PG-13 expletives at her ex and tells him never to call her again because he has been caught. Way to be independent there, Shav. Yes, he lied, but you are clearly a psycho. Not to mention, YOU ARE ON A BREAK! Sheesh.

Landon has picked up Becky and her friend, and they rush to the bars as they ahve very little time together and need to get drunk as fast as possible to up Landon's chances of getting Becky into his freshly made-up bed. His profession of love to Becky is interrupted when Landon notices Becky's friend, we'll call her "Lush", slumped over the side of the party boat. She tells Landon she feels sick, and in a classic move pukes red frou frou drinks up, along with a few of those little plastic swords and paper umbrellas. Some of it splashes on Landon, which makes up for the fact that BMP is obsessed with vomit as much as they are with sex. Landon's upset, because now his chances of getting closure (in the Cara Kahn sense) are pretty much shot now. Not like they weren't before, asshat.

Landon, Becky and Lush stumble and stagger down the streets as they walk home, and I'm again wishing I had some type of drunken closed- captioning because I can hardly understand a word they are saying. Landon just knows Becky is still in love with him, but she seems so uncomfortable around him. He continues to seek sex closure with Becky, but his eardrums must have been ruptured by Shavonda as well, since he can't get it through his thick hair skull that Becky is happy with her boyfriend and just wants to get out of there with her drunk friend so she can pass out be able to pass out without Landon taking it as a sign of her unconditional surrender to him.

Landon tries to play the drunk friend guilt card with Becky, and it's like the blind leading the blind. Landon thinks Becky's boyfriend is a bad influence on her, because she wants to take her friend home, far far away from the black hole of stupidity that is the Real World house. A cab picks up the gals, and Landon is left, once again, a realworlder without a clue.

Next week on The Real World Philly: Landon brings girls home, and Shavonda gets jealous, even though she doesn't want to be with Landon. Hopefully she'll trip over that tangled web the two of them are weaving.

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