Previously on RW Philly: The mandatory vacation began for our wild and crazy group in Fiji. Landon and Shavonda exchanged various bacterial infections, while Sarah auditioned for "Porky's 15: Attack of the Greasy Hosebeast".
As tonight's show begins, the producers make sure to remind us that the roomies are still in Fiji. It's a good thing, I mean, we viewers have that short-attention span thing, since we obviously keep watching this vomitorium of a show, despite weekly vows to never watch again. Where was I? Oh. Beach, palm trees, big pimpin, we must still be in Fiji.
The roomies are floating around in big inner tubes, and I strain my ears for the sounds of dueling banjos. No such luck. The roomies take turns jumping off a rock, and we discover that not only is Shavonda afraid of the mentally handicapped, she is also afraid of water. Deep water, especially. There might be mentally disabled fish down there. Landon coaxes Shavona out of her psychotic delusions of squid with Down's long enough for her to jump off the scary rock with him.
As Landon and Shavonda dance that evening, Melanie comments that they have caught the romantic bug. No, Mel, that was your scabies. Shavonda makes some type of Freudian slip about her g-spot to Landon. It's hard to decipher, but I'd put my money on Landon finding her drink over ever finding the spot. On anyone.
The next day, the roomies take a wild ride with the "FeeJee Experience". The conquer the majestic sand hill with boogie boards, make a sandman and sand angels. It's just the sort of fun you expect to have on a tropical island surrounded by water. Next stop: sunbathing! In sand!
Note to producers: I so do not ever, ever need to be THAT close to Sarah's belly button. Ever. I need a shower now.
Sarah decides to go topless, followed by Landon who appears bottomless. It's like "Dawn of the Dead", with the pale, wrinkly, misshapen skin. And that's just Sarah's butt. Shavonda sprays oil on Landon's tush, cause "it's a dirty job but somebody has to do it." I agree, the buildup of sand, shells, and small aquatic animals in Landon's crack is probably enough to fill one of those small octoganal aquariums.
The locals banish the roomies to a room to play "Truth or Dare" while they disinfect the water, the beach, and the boogie board Sarah used. Karamo chooses truth, but we never find out how many inches he is, and Landon dares Shavonda to make out with Sarah in a scene that could rival the puke-fests on "Fear Factor". Karamo has to wear dirty underwear on his head, Landon introduces his little friend, and then we get to watch Shavonda and Landon make out, again. I'm horribly tempted to send this episode to the Poison Control Center. It certainly would work faster than ipecac syrup. Even Karamo is disgusted, though that probably has more to do with his lack of inches.
And we're back on the "FeeJee" fun train! Shavonda flirts with Landon, while Karamo complains to Sarah that Shav is forgetting who she is. for the next five minutes clips of the group drinking, scuba diving, and contaminating the beautiful cerulean water with scabies and what-not are interspersed with Karamo frowning, grimacing, and overall looking like he swallowed a bad snail.
Oh no! A storm! The roomies are surely doomed! Much to my disappoinment, they are only 3 feet from the shore, and make it to safety before a huge whale ingests the boat. Shavonda and Landon waste no time in getting out of their wet clothes and into the bed. Thankfully it has one of those mosquito curtain things, thus limiting the spread of their love-virus to the poor bugs.
Daylight comes, time for more nude sunbathing, kayaking, Shavdon overexposure, and Karamo's lemon sucking. Shavonda shows her oobies to all, as the locals pray to the gods for some C-cups next time.
The roomies attend their farewell dinner, after which the locals will sacrifice them all to assuage the anger of Neptune, as the once blue waters now look like pea soup. Karamo complains to MJ about Shavonda being with Landon while she still has a boyfriend. They agree that Landon wants a kitty cat while Shavonda wants a comforter. Or something like that.
MJ proves to be the ultimate buzzkill as he asks the group what roles they think they would all play if they were really stranded on a deserted island. Sarah volunteers to be Karamo's baby machine, Melanie wants to free Willie, while Karamo would become a hunter and cut Landon's throat. Apsychosayswhat? Luckily the roommates are all drunk so they mistake what Karamo said as "I would become a punter and kick Landon a goat". The Shavonda-Landon beast leave to spread their love on another defenseless bed.
Next time on RW Philly: Will Karamo punt Landon a goat? Did Landon and Shavonda do the nasty? Will Shawn care since they are not committed anyways but talk for hours each day which makes this a stupid storyline? Tune in next week.