Previously on "The Real World: Philly Cream Cheese": Landon stalked Shavonda. Sarah humped everything but the kitchen sink. Karamo whined. M.J. got a barstool thrown at him. I called 1-800-FLOWERS to send a lovely gift basket for the Thrower of the Barstool.
Tonight's episode begins with, what else, Sarah trying to get into MJ's pants. I'm not paying too much attention to what they are saying. I'm busy playing connect the dots with Sarah's moles or freckles or herpes. Oh yay! We get to hear Sarah's passive-aggressive I don't care about having a boyfriend but I really want one but no I am like a guy I don't care about those things even though they make me cry monologue. "I don't *want* a boyfriend, but I want MJ to be there for me every night, but he can't call, talk to, or look at another girl, even if he's just placing an order for baby back ribs at the local Chile's.
Is it just me, or do the hot tubs get smaller and smaller each season? Now they have two small ones. I guess that's a good idea though, I would restrict myself to the hot tub that is free of any Sarah cooties. Sarah gets into the hot tub with a furry white animal on her head, but it's ok, as her alter ego "Ivanna" likes white furry things. The introduction of this new personality gives me the chance to dub Sarah "Ivanna Humpalot". It's just so appropriate, don't you think?
While in the hot tub, MJ is told he has a call from a guy, but he's so comfy in the hot tub. Unlike Ivanna, who, when learning the call is from a guy, is out of the hot tub and up the stairs faster than you can say "desperate attention whore". Oh goodie, it's one of those stupid web cam phone things. Ivanna is going on and on about Swedish meatballs, but MJ's friend Jordan is too busy looking at her funbags to recognize the sheer depravity of her little personality flip. Ivanna flashes one of the twins to Jordan, which causes the video phone to explode, embedding phone buttons into her mad-cow diseased skin. If only.
Melanie tries to have a heart to heart with Sarah, but Ms. Humpalot is busy working on the nearest bed pillow. Just when you think this episode couldn't be more Sarah-centered, she admits that she has sexual issues. I had to rewind that I few times cause I was hearing "Kenneth Cole shoes". We are then clued in to what most of us already suspected, Sarah tells Melanie she was raped by a boyfriend. Mel understands Sarah better now, and that's a good thing, cause the girl's issues are as messy and tangled as the Christmas tree lights in my parents' garage.
BMP is unable to stay serious and sober for more than two minutes, so we flip from Sarah's tale of woe to Landon mooning Shavonda. Yep, watching those two running around playing with water guns has so much more substance. Not that this show has had substance for several years now.
Shavonda now has a crush on Landon and tells her boyfriend. They talk about taking a break, apparently they learned nothing from the Ross and Rachel "Friends" debacle. "We were on a break!" As with most RWers with relationships back home, Shavonda uses the tried and true BMP "twist and distort until your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you so you can blame them for the next five years" method. Her boyfriend predictably, and smartly, hangs up on Shavonda. There might be hope for the next generation.
Sarah and Karamo talk about other people's relationships, which is akin to my niece and nephew talking about taxes. I think Sarah and Karamo should get together, forming an indestructible cluster of passive-aggressive, narcissitic humpiness.
Enjoying her newly founded freedom, Shavonda channels her own Humpalot as she, Landon and MJ make a sammich on the dance floor. Sarah offers a dissertation on Shavonda's relationship. Thanks, but no thanks Frumpy McHumpalot.
Shavonda gets up on the bar to do the banana (y'all didn't tell me Philly was on the Banana Tour!). We're not shown much, thank goodness, cause I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep this PG-13 otherwise. Basically she has to lick whipped cream off the banana without using her hands or teeth. And that's all I'll say about that, I'll let you all retch to your own visions of that.
Shavonda's on top of the world. Actually, she's on top of Landon's shoulders, but hey, it's a start. He confesses his undying love for her, and they piggyback into the sunset.
MJ makes the late night drunk call to his girlfriend Ashley. He tells her about Ivanna Humpalot throwing herself at him, then tells Ashley he loves, her, but wait, no he doesn't, he's drunk. So long as he's making excuses, why not add fuel to the fire by hopping in bed with psycho Ivanna and making out. Sarah assures us they didn't have sex, surely we would know if she did, as she would talk about it incessantly, feign pregnancy, and demand an engagement ring from MJ cause they "did it".
MJ's on the phone again, this time sober and trying to do some damage control with Ashley. Either he's more blockheaded than I thought, or his girlfriend is a ditz, but they end up laughing it off.
At work with the Soul (work? phhfffft!), Melanie pulls Sarah aside and tells her MJ is not comfortable with Sarah in his bed. It's too hot and he can't breathe in her clutches. Once again the narcissist blames it on MJ wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Personally, I don't think it's cake, it's more like an old twinkie you find in between your couch cushions and you eat it cause it's there.
Shavonda and her boyfriend talk things over, and he tells her he's cool with whatever she does, and when she gets home he will be with her. However, there can be no hanky-panky with Landon, which upsets Shavonda and she plays the blame game again. Who is he to tell her what to do while she's single? Her boyfriend tries to talk some sense in her by using the "shoe on the other foot" scenerio with his e-girlfriend, which makes Shavonda fly into a rage, until she realizes how stupid she sounds.
Wow, we get to see Willie this episode! He's out to eat with a few friends and Sarah, who reveals detail by detail of her makeout sessions. It amazes me how clueless this chick is. It's not her problem, it's MJ's. He wants her, wants her so bad, she knows it and will not stop until their flesh is melded together as one. Sarah states she's not going to go to MJ's bed anymore. Did she just say she was independent? Her projection of blame is incomparable. I might have to do a psych thesis on her. Who am I kidding? I don't like untangling Christmas lights.
Next week on RW Philly: Willie and Shavonda bicker as Karamo looks for some sexual healing.