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The Real World: Philadelphia - Episode 12 Summary

'He Will Be Mine. Oh Yes, He Will Be Mine!' By Mon Cherie
Original Airdate: November 23, 2004

Tonight's episode begins with Karamo, Willie and Sarah playing with wind-up toys from the latest Happy Meal: Reality TV Series.

Karamo states that Willie and Sarah are the most sexually frustrated out of all the roomies. Sarah winds up her Jiffy Probst toy as she screams, "Am not, am not am not!!!" Sarah confesses that she loves sex, how beautiful and wonderful and breathtaking it is, and that she's not getting any. Considering I cannot find anything about Sarah herself to be beautiful, wonderful and breathtaking, this does not surprise me in the least. I imagine sex with her to be akin to eating a McDonald's McGrill; the first taste is good, but the rest is puke-inducing. Sarah states she cannot think as she has gone so long without sex. She must be a virgin. BMP goes one step further into TMI when Sarah says she is "aching", which causes my stomach to ache, and it ain't cause of the turkey.

Sarah decides to up her chances of getting some booty by going to a gay club with Willie. Hmmmmm. I'm straight, and I go to gay clubs, but it's because they play the best music, have the best drinks, and I usually don't have to worry about being hit on by men. In other words, *coughSarahyoustupididiotcough* it's not a meat market for straight people. Sarah, her brains rotten from lack of sex, does not grasp this concept as she proceeds to hit on on a very cute gay guy, who thinks she's cool but thinks her headband is *so* eighties. What was she thinking? Oops, forgot, she can't think. Sarah tells him she is picky, in that sex has to be fun. She's got very high standards.

Back at the hizzouse, Landon and MJ are playing pool. MJ tries to convince Landon to go out with him and see what kinds of things the Philly will throw at them this time. Landon doesn't want to do anything because he misses girls. Huh? MJ finally convinces him they must venture into the wild for wimmens.

Sarah is still trying to convert the gay dude. She temporarily flips to the religious right as she is now, at least while she is in lust with this guy, convinced that being gay is a choice. You're right Sarah, it is about choice. Everyone in their right mind makes the *choice* not to sleep with *you*. Even gay dude says he might think about it if the opportunity arose, but NOT WITH YOU. If that's not an obvious rejection, I don't know what is. But Sarah's sex-starved mind cannot process anything, not even the games on the side of her Happy Meal box.

Landon and MJ go out, and within 5 seconds MJ is playing tonsil hocky with a blonde. Then he gets her name. I can't hear it so we'll just call her Le Blonde. Much more drinking ensues, and Le Blonde is up on the bar, dancing her implants away, showing her implants to everyone for shots, and letting MJ drink shots between her implants. MJ is really drunk at this point, and I need no material for the next minute as his words are enough. So much so, that BMP went out of their way to subtitle the silliness:

MJ to Le Blonde: "I'm way attracted to your be here right now... this wanted...this...and...this...and...this...sunhhhh...that's bad..." and he decides to go home.

My interpretation: "I'm drunk and want to sleep with you, but I know my girlfriend is watching this so I'm just gonna get out while I can."

Le Blonde doesn't know MJ speak, so she insists on going home with him, and they skip and stagger down the street, hand in hand.

Back at the house, Willie and Shavonda are trying not to fall asleep as Sarah continues to scheme how she can get gay dude to like her. I mean, she has gay friends and all, and they are good looking, but there's "sexual attraction" with this guy. Sarah, if you *really* had gay friends, you would so not be going down the path you are on. You'd definitely dress better cause no gay friend of mine would let me out of the house equipped with such stupidity, as well as that fugly headband.

MJ has returned home with his spoils on his back, giving us several unnecessary shots of Le Blonde's butt. MJ pulls LB into the boys' closet, as Shavonda with all her maturity crawls up to the door to listen. Apparently they are "canoodling". Is that like canoeing in food? Or caca in noodles? Behold the mysteries of life. Landon, seemingly unawares of the shenanigans, opens the closet door only to have MJ slam it back shut, as the cameras pan to head shots of MJ's girlfriend. A foreshadowing of conflict? Nahhhh.

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