Previously on BB5… Alright look, I’ve devoted enough time to Episode 3. If you don’t know the score, read this. If you don’t have time, here’s the synopsis: Mike’s dead meat.
After an all too brief respite, the most useless host in show business returns to tell us two things, initially. First, that Mike and Jennifer are nominated, which, if you’re someone who watches this show (and honestly, if you aren’t, why would you start now?), you already know. Also, that project DNA (That’s Do Not Assume, because we all know the punch line to that joke. Although it is safe to assume a couple things about Big Brother. 1) That stupid people will always, always, always make stupid decisions. 2) That this cast grows more stupid every season. 3) 1 + 2 makes me a complete moron for wasting 3 nights a week during the Summer watching this show.) has yet another twist. It seems a pair of twins have been switching every few days and the rest of the houseguests are none the wiser. This is easy to believe, because one would have to stop looking at oneself in the mirror long enough to notice other people exist, let alone whether they might have a mole one day and not the next. Anyway, tonight we learn their identity. I guess the suspense of the pending vote isn’t enough to hold BB’s audience this week. Speaking of which, it’s time for the production staff to introduce doubt as to the vote's outcome.
The 4 Horseheads are out in the yard pumping iron. Kling and Klang (that’s Jase and Scott, to the uninitiated) are spotting Drew, who is doing bench press reps. Cowboy Michael stands off to the side, like a puppy dog. Kling tells us in confessional that he has the intellect to be the puppet master in the house. He can’t manage his own hair, and we’re supposed to believe he can control 12 other people?
Meanwhile in the hot tub, Cowboy Michael and Jennifer talk strategy. Cowboy tells Jen that the game’s all mental, which pretty much eliminates him from contention. They agree for what seems to be the 3rd time in 2 days that they need to keep their biological connection on the down-low. A good start might be to stop separating yourself from the group and talking in hushed tones.
Cue Marvin (misdirection attempt #1), who says one reason to evict Jen is that she’s got a brother in the house. He reasons that it wouldn’t be fair if he had a brother in the house, forgetting for the moment that these people don’t know each other from Adam. Logic seems to escape Marvin, though. Similar to the way Osama continues to escape custody.
Cowboy then tells his tatted sis that she better be sure to trust whoever she allies herself with. To which she replies, I know because I don’t have an alliance. She then tells us in confessional that she’s really got some form of alliance with both the guys and the girls. Damn, they've known each other less than two weeks and she's already lying to him.
Will tells us that Jen is a dangerous player because of her floater status. He’d be fine with Jen going home this week. (Misdirection attempt #2) Not that he's going to vote for her, of course.
Holly and Kling Just when I thought Kling couldn’t get any less bearable, it seems he’s taken a shine to our beloved dimwit, Holly. We see her making him lunch, and spelling his name on the plate in Cheez Wiz. In addition to serving as a nice greeting, it’s great for dipping! Next we see the 2 of them on the couch with Holly in Kling’s lap, feeding him like a bird. This? Is waiting on a VCR in Hell for me…on endless loop. The good news is that the other women in the house watch this unholy union (when it isn’t their turn to use the bathroom to vomit) in abject horror. Holly isn’t getting a sniff of that alliance, not that she would know what such a thing is in the first place.
Militia Mike is busy hammering the last few nails into his coffin, by continuing to yammer on about Kling and Klang’s dominance. Lori asks him if Kling’s new-found interest in airhead Holly is something. Mike goes Dalai Lama on her by saying “everything is something”, and asks her to snatch the pebble from his hand. He continues on about Cowboy and Dye-job being “something”, too. After all, you don’t have a sibling in the house, do you Lori? Next thing you know, Lori’s in confessional telling us she’s not “100%” on Mike being the one to leave this week. (Misdirection attempt #3) This would have some weight to it if not for the fact that Lori is a complete lemming.
Inside, Sensei Mike is giving Drew advice. 3 guesses what that advice is. After telling him that Kling and Klang must be stopped (preferably with tranquilizer darts), Drew looks confused (and I mean even more confused than he usually looks). Drew confides in us that he sees Mike as a father figure in the house (but not in the George-Michael-bold-and-naked kind of way…at least I hope to hell not). This is misdirection attempt #4, and we’re not even 15 minutes into the show. I am now utterly convinced that Militia Mike is gone…unanimously. Mike pops into confessional to tell us that he’s done all he can do. I sure hope he doesn’t bring that kind of work ethic to his commercial painting job.
Back out in the yard, Klang is bragging some more about the Horseheads. He thinks Militia Mike is gone unanimously, which just proves he is the reigning Master of the Obvious. He goes on to say that he fully expects to win HOH. If he does, this may be the last episode of this season that I watch. I don’t think I could tolerate a whole week of his armpit sniffing. Kling tells him that the Horseheads will make it to the end. And to think, I actually thought it couldn’t get any worse than a Final 2 of Ali and Jun.
Flash forward to the present, where Julie has gathered the houseguests. (Oh, wow. Jen’s hair actually matches her Hot Seat. Now that’s coordination.)
Julie: Michael, how do you feel about meeting your long-lost sister, only to possibly see her be the first one evicted? Michael: It’s cool. We’ve got the Springer show to look forward to after this is done.
Julie: Lori, you threw the whole house under the bus with your greed. Any regrets? Lori: Pfffft. What-ever. Who would be stupid enough to pass up 10 large?
Julie: Klang, the guys seem to be more high-maintenance. What’s up with that, you big Nancy? Klang: Yeah, like we’re going to let the girls get all the attention.
Julie: OK, that’s it for now, gerbils. Mike? Jen? You guys can sweat it out a little longer, as I have Project DNA to pimp and Michael and Jen’s trashy story to tell.
But first, we get a scary glimpse into the minds of Klang, Lori, Holly, and Samuel L. Jackson as Marvin, the Mortician…
Klang: Militia dood’s a threat. He must go.
Lori: Mike’s a strong player…or at least that’s what everyone tells me.
Holly: I like to spell people’s names in Cheez Wiz.
Marv: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides…