Hey everyone, time for another edition of Big Bother 5. For everyone who has either been watching the Olympics or just living a normal life, rest assured that the hamsters are still engaged in petty squabbles over “pinky swears” and the other typical drama we’ve come to expect from Big Bother. And I’m going to come out and share the very best part of this episode right from the get-go, just to make sure you keep reading: NO JULIE CHEN!! That’s right, since it’s not a live episode the craziest person you’re going to see tonight is Natalie. Or maybe it’s Adria, I can never tell them apart.
So last time on Big Bother, Nakomis vowed to avenge A’s nomination and eviction of her good friend Will since A broke a pinky swear promise the three of them made (with Karen, but since Karen hasn't said or done anything even remotely interesting in weeks that’s pretty much the last you’ll hear of her in this summary.). Diane distanced herself from Drew over his support of the twins. And to the surprise of absolutely nobody, Nakomis nominated the two twins for eviction. Tonight, will a twin win power of veto, and will she use it to save herself or her twin?
We begin right after the nomination ceremony. Nakomis claims she nominated the twins because they broke a direct promise to her. Natalie admits she pretty much knew she would be nominated when Nakomis won. Immediately after the ceremony, the twins start giggling uncontrollably about the nomination ceremony, which disgusts Diane (though what doesn’t these days?) Adria and Natalie then complain about the quality of Nakomis’ speech. You know what girls, it isn’t Public Speaking 101, it’s Big Bother and one of you is still going home on Thursday. Natalie, who is clearly studying to be a lawyer, points out that she never did a pinky swear with Will because she wasn’t in the house when Adria did the pinky swear, so it doesn’t apply to her, and that Natalie only planned on being loyal to Nakomis and the other girls anyway. Of course, the fact that Natalie was pretending to be Adria for the first five weeks of the game and never bothered to tell Will this fact seems to have escaped her completely, but I guess some memories are just selective.
Out on the patio, Marvin and Cowboy debate which twin to evict. Cowboy, still hopped up on drugs or living on some other planet, actually likes the twins. Marvin seems to prefer to evict Natalie, but they are about the same in his mind. Meanwhile, Nakomis approaches the twins to try to better explain her nominations. She repeats that they all promised they would not vote each other out of the house and that since Natalie was playing as Adria at that time, she’s holding her to that promise too. In a confessional, Adria claims that she only made the promise because she was in “survival mode,” which is an apparent exception to the “pinky swear” code and that once Natalie joined the house “all bets were off.” Yes, that’s really what she said. Don’t ask me, I haven’t done a pinky swear since I was eight. Everything else in life gets more complicated as you get older, so maybe they’ve amended the pinky swear rules since then too.
Once Nakomis leaves, the twins decide that she is crazy because they never broke a promise to her. Let’s go back to the tape, shall we folks? There’s Adria, there’s Nakomis, there’s Karen, and there’s Will, and yes there they are all promising not to vote each other out! Adria, who clearly isn’t saving her best reasoning for last, contends that the promise not to vote out each other was a promise to Nakomis that she wouldn’t vote Nakomis out and a promise to Will she wouldn’t vote Will out, so she didn’t break the promise to Nakomis and Nakomis shouldn’t be mad at her, only Will should. I’m baffled. The twins then compare Will to Charles Manson and Nakomis to one of his followers. Now I’m even more baffled. If anybody in this game is a Charles Manson follower it's clearly Katatonic Karen.
The twins rush over to Diane to complain about the nominations. Natalie again reiterates that she never made a pinky swear with Will and so Nakomis gave no legitimate reason for putting her up and she’s always played the game with integrity and honesty. I hope we’re nearing a commercial break so I can rush to my bathroom and puke.
The twins resolve to win veto to at least make things interesting. Diane won’t commit to using the veto if she wins it, so they decide that Drew and Cowboy are their best bets to help them off the block because they are strong competitors and Nakomis won’t likely put them (Drew & Cowboy) up. Drew tells A he will take her off the block if he wins but admits in confessional he’s truly not sure if he will.
Back from an air wick commercial (it cleans the stench of lies!), we come back to a Luxury Competition. Some strange spider web is sitting in the backyard. The competition involves grabbing big white balls (insert your own sexual joke here) with letters on them, which are stuck in the web and navigate them out. If the hamsters succeed, they must unscramble the letters to form a word. If they do this in 3 minutes or less they win 18 items from Amazon.com. For every thirty seconds it takes over than that, they lose one item. Plus, the fastest person to get a ball wins a $1000 gift certificate.
Drew goes first and rather than gun for an individual win he pushes most of the balls to the end of the maze before taking one ball out. Diane, on the other hands “burrows through like a little rat.” About half way through, the hamsters figure out the word is Internet, but they still don’t have all the balls. But even knowing the word it takes them quite a while to spell it correctly and they end up finishing at 5:03. So they only get 14 of the 18 items. The rat, Diane, won the shopping spree. Drew claims he should get 20% for moving all the balls to the end. Drew, you get enough from Diane every night, quit complaining. Marvin thought the competition was so fun he actually started liking the other hamsters for a little while. Don’t get crazy there Marvin, you’re all still a bunch of media sluts. They buy Omaha steaks and a gas grill and a bunch of sports equipment and are generally excited about it. Ah, amazon.com…bringing enemies together toward the common goal of capitalism. Somewhere, Karl Marx just turned over in his grave.
The twins approach Diane again about whether she would use the veto to take one of them off if she won it. Diane again refuses to commit and feels totally uncomfortable. She finally starts crying to get the twins to lay off.