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Big Brother 5 - Episode 9 Summary

'I'm Not, Like, A Mastermind' By J Slice
Original Airdate: July 27, 2004

This episode is dedicated to Nakomis, who is the friggin' coolest chick to ever be on a reality show, and is a hell of a lot like me, except for the mohawk and 37 extra piercings.

Previously on BB5... A most benevolent Kim Jong Il dropped a nuke on the hamster cage, and the world became a happier place.

Oh wait. That didn't happen. That was as per my fantasy. What really happened:

• Drew became HoH brak brak brak 4 Horse-sh!ts brak brak brak
• Scott and Jase fight over something. I think it's called a Holly® doll.
• Drew nominates Holly (GLEE!) and Necropolis (grr)

So anyway... This episode opens with Jase saying to Drew that "he understands" Drew's nomination of Holly. This marks the second thing that Jase has ever understood, the first being "don't stick your pee-pee in a pencil sharpener." He learned that one two weeks before departing for the Big Brother house. Anyway, Drew feels somewhat more confident in his decision since he has such a worthy backing from such a nice and crafty guy. Eesh.

Scott, on the other hand, is not happy. In his words, he thought that the 4 horse-d**ks should "be on the same page." This statement confused me a little, since I was unaware that Scott had ever opened a book, much less understood what a page was.

Holly, ever the rational and relaxed one, is having a near nervous-breakdown in the bathroom (why oh why do these people gather in the restroom?). She is whinging and whining about how she did NOTHING to deserve this nomination. Well, Holly, maybe if you weren't so frelling irritating and stupid, you might not be in such a predicament. If you were smart, in fact, you would either a: not be on this show, or b: be already voted out. Sigh.

Jase insists to Drew that after he wins POV (assuming about a million things), he swears he won't use it, to "save face." Jase, thank you for being so strong and forthright in your decision. I'm sure it won't change at all over the course of this one friggin' episode. Lord, how I hate this "man."

Diane is giddy about Holly's nomination. So am I.

Holly continues whining. (I contemplated offering her some "cheesse" with that whine, but I doubt she would've understood). She cries to Jase... "is it in Drew's bible to put me up?"

No, Holly. The only person who got "put up" in the Bible is Jesus. And he's way awesomer than you. Even my hat can verify that he's my homeboy.

Drew and Diane canoodle for appx 2.8 seconds. This means squat.

Holly pleads and pleads to Drew- "you've got the wrong conception of me!" What on EARTH could the right one be? Oh gee, Holly, I plum forgot! You've not a hollow-brained pair of boobs! You're a wonderful, intellectual person, who doesn't look anything like an undertalented stripper! Now bend over while I put this in your g-string, hon.

Holly is kind enough to phrase what we are all thinking, in a beautiful, glib way.

"I'm not, like, a mastermind whatsoever."

No kidding. I'm not the Pope.

For the rest of this ordeal, Holly whines (AGAIN) that Drew isn't upset about his own frelling decision to put her up. Nobody cares... of course, except for Jase and Scott (aka the horsemen's asses), who in the last 5 minutes have gone from congratulating Drew for actually using his brain to hating him for not consulting with the idiots first.

I took this moment to fart loudly at the television. I felt a little better.

CBS then provided us with plenty of time to use the restroom during the hideously long commercial break. If I had been thinking correctly, I should've gone to smoke a joint. Then this garbage would either make more sense, or I'd be too stoned to care... Regardless, back to the show.

I knew that Big Brother is notorious for jumping from "plot" to "filler" but I had not counted on Jase's Brad-Pitt-worship. Ab-so-fvcking-lutely terrifying. Given the number of clips CBS has culled for the segment, I can only imagine what it must be like to have a converation with Jase. Frankly, even that's a little too horrifying for me to fathom:

Me: So, uh, Jase (snicker), what do you do?

Jase: Well, sometimes I dress up my "Lil' Brad Pitt" doll in a matching sleeve-headband and then we talk about toys! Sometimes we have tea parties. I drawed a picture of us! Wanna see?

Me: Um... not real..

Um... yeah. Anyway, Jase, just one thing. Marvin's scoring shots off you... he said you looked like an ARM-PIT. I damn near died laughing at that comment. And if even Holly thinks you're kinda stupid, congratulations on your future career as a doorstop or paperweight. ::shakes head::

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