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Big Brother 5 - Episode 28 Summary

'The Drivel's On Diane' By AMAI
Original Airdate: September 11, 2004

Previously, Diane made a stack o’ promises but only kept the one she made to Drew. Fancy that! Who’s surprised? C'mon, there must be ONE reader out here who was surprised. No?

Then Nakomis had to hawk or hog or something Karen onto the block. Maybe she said "hoch" as in hoch a loogie. Anyway, it hurt. Diane’s plan to get rid of Karen entailed assuring Karen she’d be safe. Diane wondered why Karen said “thanks for the backdoor.” Diane's not stupid but her street smarts are more like back alley smarts.

With Karen despatched, Drew won HOH. Voice-Over Dude wants us to get excited about Drew’s nominations. He’s kidding, right? Even if you don't already know, it's not like he has much choice. There are four people left in the whole game, and he can't nominate himself (more's the pity.)

After Karen Left, Cowtard’s hart leapt for joy. He knowed it wuz his hart cuz whin his stummack leeps like dat, he loozes his lunch.

Diane is turning into an Identi-Twat: she explained that Karen was NOT backdoored. She even told us that “backdoor” means "evicted without their knowledge." Diane insists, “Karen wasn’t backdoored. We just didn’t tell her everything.”

I’ve officially had it with Diane.

Nak says she was more surprised by Karen’s eviction than Karen was. That's her story and she'll stick to it until a better story comes along. I still want Nak to win.

Diane re-pleads with Nak, in color, to fool us, “Now you’re gonna hate me.” Nak reassures her with hugs. Again. And in color because there isn't enough new footage that isn't of Diane & Drew kissing. Diane says she always told Karen it would be unanimous, just omitted to inform her it would be her leaving unanimously. I can't wait for Diane's eviction. Wanna bet she'll throw a huge fit?

Nak repeats (in color) it was a good game move, on account of Karen’s pile of jury friends. Nak DRs she is still on Diane’s side. Oh well, that’s a relief. I was worried Nakomis would abandon Diane.

Nakomis also points out that Diane might be doing it for attention and maybe it’s for game strategy but Diane is really making a point of saying, “Take me to the F2 because everyone in the jury hates me.” Rest assured, everyone. It is for game strategy. Diane is far too happy about backstabbing all those jurors.

Cowfool is just happy to be here. That makes one of us. Nakomis tells him he takes it too hard every time someone leaves. He wants to believe he's really a threat and was >< this close to getting booted.

Cowfool DRs he wishes Drew had given him the HOH. I’ve officially had it with Cowblech. No more juggling nicknames for him. From now on, it's just Cowblech. Oh, and Half-Wit. Also Dumbass. I guess I never get tired of coming up with new derogatory nicknames.

Nak DRs that Drew will nominate her and Half-Wit or her and Diane. She doesn’t think there’s any chance of not being nominated. Diane doesn’t feel safe either. Foreshadowing is limp as week-old lettuce.

Drew’s Room. Diane runs through the house to go check out the latest hot picture of hot Ben, Drew’s hot twin. What game is she playing? Is she trying to piss Drew off?

Drew got a new fake plant and a Miami shirt. Woo Go Miami. Diane DRs that she should be allowed one of his 19 Miami shirts. I wonder why she’s not being given one? Hmm. Wonder, wonder. Nothing to do with those references to Ben, I'm sure.

The CD is Counting Crows. Cowblech hadn't heard of them so if you had any doubts, now you know for sure he's been living in a double-wide with AM Radio only. He complains, “Yeah, mah tap o’ mewsic, nawt. Ah wuz hopin’ fer Toby Keith.”

Nakomis suggests Drew name the plant Piedmont, in honor of a bird she rescued from the parking lot. Because Nak has a softer side and she's all about naming stuff. Drew figures what the hell, agrees, and promptly forgets about it. The editors forget about it too and we will never hear of "Piedmont" again.

Cowblech whines again in the DR about how he was hoping to receive pictures and letters from home. I report it so you can be as fed up with him as I am. That sense of entitlement because he's so useless makes me want to punch him so hard he'll see pictures of April instead of stars.

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