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Big Brother 5 - Episode 3 Summary

'Falling on the Grenade' By FesterFan1
Original Airdate: July 13, 2004

Previously on Big Brother 5…
The egomaniacs reign supreme in the first HOH competition.

Michael, the Rodeo Clown, told Jennifer (or Nicodemus, or Nostradamus, or whatever the hell Goth name her mallrat friends call her) that they were brother and sister, while somewhere the Farrelly brothers are penning the screenplay of their life story.

The 4 Horsemen (an apt name for a group of people who will bring about the Apocalypse of intelligence), who have watched way more than their share of Jerry Springer shows, think it’s all a hoax and question Michael’s integrity. Michael cries. Again.

Michigan Militia Mike tries to counter the Pretty Boys Plus Michael alliance by crafting his own not-so-subtle group. Stupidly, he tries to pull in Pretty Boy Drew, who has been programmed to tell Jase everything anyone tells him. Ever.

So, Jase… (Alright, I’m sorry. I can’t take seriously any man who chooses to call himself “Jase”, especially if said man also insists on wearing shirt sleeves around his dome to prop up his “Snap Into a Slim Jim” hairdo. I’m going to have to find something else to call him, because every time I type “Jase”, I have a 5-minute laughing fit, and he’s very prominent in this episode. How about Jasshole? No, too obvious. How about GelBoy? No, too esoteric. I think I’ll just go with Kling, and Scott can be Klang. It’s either that or Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Idiot. Kling and Klang are easier to type. And, as always, it’s all about easy. Sorry for the digression.) So, Kling nominates Michigan Militia Mike and Necropolis for eviction. MM Mike, because he didn’t get an invite to his reindeer games, and Negrodamus because Kling is disgusted with the way she treats her hair.

So that brings us up to date. It’s Day 6, which means we only have 732 days left in this house. In typical BB fashion, we begin right after the nomination ceremony. Michael tells his tie-dyed sister that it was “nervous-ing”. “Nervous-ing”? Looks like the “No Child Left Behind” bus rolled right past the Rodeo Clown Ranch and kept on trucking. Klang tells her not to worry, because it’s all part of their genius plan to get rid of MM Mike. Kling steps out of the bathroom (how the hell did he get in there?! We just watched them all get up from the table not 2 minutes ago), shakes her hand and reassures her, while Jennifer prays that that’s mousse residue on Kling’s palm.

Kling (confessional): The Don’s a schemer. He’s out there making alliances and didn’t invite me. I hate that. (OK, when did MM Mike become “The Don”? First of all, he’s waaaayyyy too whitebread to be a Mafioso, but more importantly he’s an awful strategist. In order to have power, you either need to be slick, subtle, or have gravitas. MM Mike has none of these qualities. What he is, though, is loud. Perhaps it’s because he can see through your super-secret Headband Society code. Hell, anyone who isn’t named Holly can figure that one out.)

In the kitchen, MM Mike whispers to Mortician Marv that he was told it was suppose to be Marv. Marvelous Marv, who wouldn’t know if there was a plot to oust him if they were discussing it in the same room as him, thinks MM Mike is trying to run a game on him. Eventually, everyone leaves MM Mike in the kitchen, except Will, who was the last to say “Not it”. So he’s subjected to Mike’s desperate flailing.

MM Mike: It’s like I have the plague.

Will: Who are you, again?

MM Mike: You do realize that Kling and Klang are running this joint, right? I mean they’re already telling you guys who to vote for, just like they told me to vote for Marv.

Will: Will you get off the Marv trip, you conspiracy theorist freak?

MM Mike: You know it’s me they want gone. They don’t want her gone. She’s no threat…except to herself and maybe some of your hair products.

Will: Whatever, dude. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to eat my PB&J sammich in peace.

Mike is now all alone in the kitchen. Completely unable to take a hint, he rejoins the group outside. This is followed by the sublime comedy of people acting like he isn’t there because they’re afraid Kling and Klang might see and think they’re The Enemy. One by one, they get up, and eventually MM Mike is by himself…again.

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