So this is how Stockholm Syndrome feels. Julie Chen, Stepford Newscaster Extraordinaire is spread across my 36 inch television like Heidi Ho trolling for chocolate. And I? Am so happy to see her, because this can only mean that Big Brother—my secret passion, my dirty little compulsion—is on the air again!
Soon, very soon, possibly within the next 10 minutes I will hate Julie and everyone involved in this show. They will offend my senses, my human decency. My very soul will be put in peril and I will curse this wretched addiction to BB and the hours I will blow away just watching the drivel. But not yet. Because maybe this summer, it will be different. Maybe this summer the show will shine and I will like the contestants. Maybe this summer I will love the winner, and even be able to stomach Julie. (Stockholm Syndrome is a very hopeful place.)
As the show begins, we see our new crop of contestants receive the “good” news that they have been selected for BB5. Most are shown at their job or doing something that represents who they are in some way. Marvin the Mortician receives his Big Brother House Key in a room full of caskets. Jase is holding his hose (the one that came with the fire-truck, not the other one).
There is a ditzy blonde called Holly who speaks, but her voice is too high pitched for human comprehension—I have no idea what she says. I check my notes. Over on the CBS website Holly has said she wants to win “for all blondekind.” Okay. Whatever.
Some dweeby-looking cowboy guy named Michael is shown being all sincere-like while he says “My heart is as big as my belt-buckle!” His chest is not as big as his belt buckle.
Diane serves drinks. Karen paints portraits. Drew (rhymes with ‘screw’, heh-heh) is very cute. He is oh-so very cute! This is all anyone needs to know about Drew. Will is cute too. He’s a boy nurse and he is packing a Speedo. My notes say he plans to slide smoothly under the radar while eating raccoon testicles. Where do they find these people?.
Already, I’m starting to lose interest. Let’s get straight to the House, shall we?
Julie “Who Needs Talent When Les Luvs You” Chen stands before the camera. And? She is wearing body glitter again. Lots of it. She is also wearing a sporty white track & field style outfit that must be her tribute to the Athens Olympics. The tank top is banded with twists of irridescent beads that loop across her breasts making them look even smaller,—and lumpy to boot. Why oh why does CBS let her dress herself? This woman needs a fashion intervention if ever anyone did.
And the body glitter! Don’t get me started on the body glitter. Okay, never mind. Too late. Have you ever noticed how she has more glitter on the sides of her neck and her upper chest? I have it on good authority that what we think is body glitter is actually a powdered silica product called ‘Heads Up!’ that can be rubbed onto your hands to give them better grip. See when Mr. Moonves uses Julie’s ears for handles he always slathers on the silica gripper.
Okay. I think I’m over my little case of Stockholm Syndrome now. Back on the BB set, Julie is babbling on about Twists. Big Twists. Astonishing Twists! Unexpected Twists. Twisty twists. The first Twist is called “Project Do Not Assume”, or “Project DNA” for short. (I start compiling a list of other things DNA could stand for—like “Dimwitted Network Asswipes”, and “Depraved Nymphomaniac Anchorwoman”—stuff like that.)
I suppose you expect me to summarize the show now? Mostly, I just want to make fun of Julie—but I’ll try to do both. Okay?
The BB5 contestants file onto the set, each clutching one small bag of clothing. So far they have not been allowed to speak to each other. There are 13 people from 13 states. It must have been a big night at Belly’s Bar when the CBS casting crew went trolling for good-looking people with no common sense and a willingness to crap on camera.
The House Guests all look at each other nervously but mutely. Jennifer has purple hair. Scott has a little hairy thing hanging under his lower lip. He also has a little hairy thing hanging about two feet lower down, but I guess that’s no big deal. I don’t think I’ve mentioned Lori (a Lisa look-alike who Marvin thinks is “hotter than lava”), Adria or Diane yet, but they’re there too.
Julie “I Can Watch the Secret Toilet Cam and You Can’t” Chen sends the Hamsters into the BB Hamster House in three separate groups. They have 90 seconds (or something like that) to select a bed.
The first group in is Adria, Lori, Michael and Jase. They get the nice room, with blue sky and white clouds painted on the walls, ceiling and floor. They each get a single bed.
The next group is Jennifer, Holly, Scott, Marvin and Drew. As they rush in Jennifer notices that the house has an aquarium with sharks in it. Bedroom number two contains two double beds. Jennifer picks one bed (“We have to share, guys!”) and Drew picks another. Ditzy blonde Holly immediately throws her bag onto cutey Drew’s bed. Scott throws his bag down by Jennifer’s then turns his back on her and hugs the cute Holly leaving Jennifer just standing there like a wallflower.
Marvin, in keeping with his brilliant strategic plan decides to ‘take one for the team’ and chooses the fold-a-way cot in the hall. Actually, he peeks into the 3rd bedroom before settling on the cot and notices it contains 4 narrow concrete slabs. As a mortician, Marvin knows what happens to bodies left on concrete slabs. He will not be sleeping in there!
Diane, Karen, Will and Mike are the last hamsters to enter the house, so they get stuck with the concrete slab beds. And a mortician sleeping just outside their door.