Paula: "I find women attractive, and I don't think that makes me gay... to say so." Yeah right, keep on telling yourself that girl.
Our episode starts out with a bar scene, with John flirting with Kelly, a cocktail waitress, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, unaware that Paula is watching him flirt with what she views as a potential hookup for herself.
Paula: "No offense to John, but he comes across as a very obnoxious kind of THAT GUY, some kind of whoredog if you will, and that nice girl he's talking to is way too good for THAT."
Paula makes her presence known, cutting in on Johns potential PREY, and obviously ruins Johns flirting game. She then proceeds to get drunk, and has to be carried home, where we see Paula make a drunken attempt to stumble up the stairs to the house like a drunken Landon (RW Philly).
John: "Unfortunately, when Paula begins to drink, her alter ego 'Paula Walnuts' is born."
Paula Walnuts stumbles into the phone room to call Keith, her unfortunate boyfriend, on the phone. She talks incoherently to him for 2 minutes before dropping the phone and passing out on the floor, leaving him wondering what she was trying to say, and how he got stuck with her in the first place.
John then picks Paula up like a Raggedy Ann doll, and carries her off to her bed, flops her in her bed and covers her up. Now.... if John knew the stunt Paula was gonna pull tomorrow night, he probably woulda grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back out into the street... by the hair, and Drop Kicked her @§§ Back to the Beach for the crabs to chew on.
The next day, Ricky Croft (Vice Pres. Mystic Tan) wants to know how they are going to promote the GRAND OPENING of the Mystic Tan Salon.
Zach tells Ricky that he has lined up a 110-person marching band to parade in front of the salon on opening day, and they are going to hand out flyers to everyone that advertise the Key West High School Marching Band performing in front of the salon. He also mentions a meeting with a choir group to sing in front of the salon.
Now... Ricky is feeling generous and has a surprise for them. Outside is a "It's a BRAND NEW CAR!" for them to do their business in. And it's not a multi-colored smokin' 1977 Pinto Hatchback either. He presents them with a nice new sparkling Mercury Milan, which -- in a moment only a product sponsor can appreciate -- they spend the next hour slobbering over.
Ricky expresses his concerns about opening day for the Mystic Tan Salon, and tells Manager Zach that the plumber can't start plumbing till Monday. The opening day is supposed to be Wednesday, and they still have to schedule in the city building code inspectors for occupancy permits before the Grand Opening.
Well, they decide it's not worth worrying about, and decide to go on a "Three hour Tour, yes a Three Hour Tour."
They board the SS Minnow, and set sail with Skipper Steve, and go off in the ocean, swimming, snorkeling, Jet Skiing, and Parasailing. Well... The weather started getting rough... the tiny ship was tossed...
They get a message on the Marine radio that informs them that a hurricane is coming.
Radio Voice: "Emergency Management has ordered a MANDATORY evacuation for visitors and residents, the sandbar bridge is closing.... blah blah blah.... pack it up and move it out people." Skipper Steve takes the seven wiz-bangers back to solid land before they end up ... on some uncharted desert isle.
OK... so with that in mind, and knowing full well what a hurricane did to New Orleans, they decide to... go to the bars that night.
Sooooo, once at the bar, Johnny Bananas does the Johnny Banana thing and starts flirting with his new crush, Kristen, but Paula is doing the Paula thing, and she won't have any of that!
Paula: "I don't think John has the mindset to respect women, he just treats women like a typical guy treats a girl at a bar and I think thats TACKY. He's just a simple guy, with a simple brain, with one thing on his mind, and the girl he's talking to deserves better than that."
John tells Kristen how he got stung by a jellyfish, earlier that day, and asks Kristen if she wants to see his sting marks. Paula decides it's time she stepped in to save the nice girl from that whoredog, Johnny Bananas... and tells John, in front of Nice Girl Kristen, what a lame pick up line that is.
Paula calls John an idiot, and Nice Girl Kristen, a human being.
Paula then talks code to Nice Girl Kristen, and insults Johns... whatever... something... I don't know, but it's something about a floppy sausage Pizza.
John: "It's crystal clear to me that Paula is running interference between me and Kristen."
Push comes to shove and John is tossed aside as Paula invites John's 'crush' to her place for a slumber party! She continues to insult John at the table before they leave the bar.
Our next scene is of Paula Walnuts doing some kind of, well, lets call it 'calisthenics' outside of the bar, with Nice Girl Kristen holding up Paula, to do chin ups below the porch covering.
John sees this, and knows it's over between him and Kristen. He tries to 'bow out gracefully' but Paula will have none of that, and tells him how the girl now belongs to her. She tells John about their slumber party, and "You're NOT invited!"
Paula then proceeds to point and laugh at John unmercifully, till John gets in the van and heads back for the house. She then wonders what Johns problem is.....
Back at the house, Zach tries to explain to Paula, that Kristen was supposed to be Johns date. Paula isn't hearing with a brain, and continues her attitude attack. In front of everyone, in the kitchen, Paula sarcastically states, "John's mad, cause I stole his girlfriend."
John strikes back and calls Paula a Lesbian... Paula calls John a whoredog... things get out of hand.... and all insults fly!
In the corner of the room, we see Svetlana, sitting there smugly, just glad she's not the center of attention on this one.
Paula has her one brain cell working overtime and continues to insult John with lies about how she told Nice Girl Kristen "John is a great great guy!" John talks about how from now on, he'll just expect to go meet girls, so that she can take them away from him.
John calls her a liar... Paula calls him an @§§... insults, yelling, screaming, ranting, and raving...
Paula accuses John of always demeaning herself as well as all women he comes in contact with. John asks her when he has done this, and since she can't think of a specific time, she decides to throw her hands up, and waltz up to her room.
John is worked up over the confrontation, and is still talking about Paula's Walnuts.... when Paula overhears the conversation, and decides to pull a spass out attack like Rachel, on Real World Austin.
She starts ranting about the caliber of excellence of the womanhood of life! -- don't ask me, that must be some more of that code talk.
She then admits that she is Lesbian, so what? That's not the point Paula. The point is that you came between John and his potential date, and enjoyed insulting him for an hour while doing it!
Paula shouts from the staircase, "Actually, I am a lesbian, and I can take ANY one of your girls, ANY day of the week!"
John nibbles nonchalantly on a piece of toast "OK, Whatever."
Paula spasses out and groans something incoherent, grabs a broomstick, and starts flying around the room, screeching out curses to the house, and John.
Zach confessional: "When Paula gets emotional this way, she has signs of an unhealthy lifestyle." Lifestyle, my @§§..... give that girl some mashed potatoes!
Ok..... the next day they have to leave the Paradise they call Key West, cause another one of them storms are coming. Tyler tries to talk to Paula about her altercation with John, and confessionals that the girl just needs a little love, attention, and security in her life. And maybe a few hash browns and gravy could help too.
After sandbagging the Mystic Tan Salon, and preparing the house for the oncoming Hurricane we know as 'Rita', the roomies leave the islands and hit the road. It's gonna be a long ride, cause Johnny Bananas and Paula Walnuts are packed in tight in the one van, on the way to Florida.
Will John be able to get a date, with Paula around? Will somebody give Paula some french fries? Find out next time on The Real World, Key West