Hey there kids. For anybody still watching Big Bother 6, all I can say is…I’m sorry. I’ve summarized every edition since the third for at least one episode and I’ve never met three more self-righteously delusional young ladies than our very own Yapril, Maggot, and Yelvette. I mean seriously folks, if I wanted to watch three witches, I’d switch over to Charmed. For the first time ever in a Big Bother summary, I’m actually hoping that we will hear a lot from Julie Chen. Anyone think Les purposely picked the Nerd Herd to enter the house in hopes of improving Julie’s image?
Anyway, we start with a recap of Beau’s eviction, and Yelvette’s HOH victory. Yelvette wanted nothing more than to accomplish the mission in life set out for her by her almighty lord and savior, Crappy: evicting Janelle from the house (Hey, even evil people need goals.) Thankfully, Yelvette’s plan was foiled when Janelle won the Golden Power of Veto, which she used to save herself. Yelvette was forced to nominate Yapril. Janelle and Howie plotted to convince Yelvette to evict Yapril and save Howie. Will it work? Does CBS think their viewership is all as stupid as Yelvette?
We start with Julie, recapping the recap and pointing out that we have a live eviction. Julie notes that with only Maggot and Janelle voting, Yelvette may well be the deciding vote. Yapril admits it is always nerve-wracking to be on the block but feels that if either Maggot or Yelvette were to vote to evict her it would be a lose-lose situation. Of course, since the three are already the most detested trio in Big Brother history, it’s hard to see how things could get any worse for them.
Howie points out that tonight Maggot will obviously vote to evict him and Janelle will vote to evict Yapril. So his only chance for a heroic Jedi victory would be to persuade Yelvette to evict Yapril. Howie then does additional light saber demonstrations for Janelle of his power of the Force. Sadly, the light saber display will likely be the most dramatic and exciting moment in the entire show.
Yapril and Maggot watch on the HOH spy screen as Janelle and Howie approach Yelvette. Howie essentially explains to Yelvette that she has no chance of beating Maggot at the end and if she wants a shot she needs to keep Howie and Janelle around. They also promise Yelvette that if she votes out Yapril they will take her to the final 3 over Maggot. Yelvette admits she doesn’t know what Yapril and Maggot are thinking about the end game, but she nonetheless runs back to the Cult of Cappy and tells them everything Howie and Janelle said. Yelvette says she wants to win the money for her family and thinks Yapril’s claim that she doesn’t want the money is a bunch of bull. Personally, I think Yelvette's claim that she wants to win the money is bull since if she did she would have voted out Maggot weeks ago.
Time to drop in on the hamsters. Julie congratulates them for making it to the Final 5 but fails to mention that 99% of America wishes three out of the five weren’t there. Next, she asks Yelvette how she feels. She says she is content. Howie, as the only man in the house, says the other women feel like his stepsisters. All except Janelle, who isn’t ugly. Yapril has quit smoking for 38 days and thinks she will be able to keep it up in the real world. Personally, I think that once the Fiendship realizes how despised they are, all three of them will turn into chain smokers to deal with the stress. Julie then throws a real curveball at Maggot: How has living in the Big Brother house changed you? Maggot, unwilling to admit that it’s turned her from a tepid, boring soul into the truly malignant person we now love to hate, just says that it is “way different” inside the house.
After a host of commercials far more interesting than the show, we come back to a feature on our stubborn, obnoxious Cuban HOH Yelvette. We get to hear first from Yelvette’s mother, identified only as “Mom,” presumably because she is smartly unwilling to give out her full name on national television to a bunch of people who hate her daughter. Yelvette’s girlfriend Maggie admits that Yelvette’s mouth has gotten her in trouble. We are then treated to lots of scenes of Yelvette running her mouth, screaming, and bursting into tears over the demise of her beloved Crappy. GF Maggie, who would have been a much better houseguest than Yelvette, admits that she can’t stand Crappy or Yelvette’s obsession with him. Yelvette’s mother, like the rest of America, is horrified that Yelvette treated Crappy and James better than her own supposed best friend Beau and doesn’t trust Yapril at all. And GF Maggie sums it all up by saying she likes Janelle and thinks Yelvette is just jealous of her fantastically good looks! (But then aren't we all? Go Janie!!) So I guess there’s at least minimal hope that Yelvette will have some sense slapped into her when she finally comes back to reality. Although if I was related to Ivette, at this point I would simply disown her and see if Crappy wants to take her in.
Julie then interviews Yelvette alone to make one final pitch for evicting Yapril and keeping this show remotely interesting. Yelvette admits she came on the show to try to get money for her family. But then she says she chose Yapril over Maggot only because she hadn’t been nominated before and Maggot had. Everyone who still thinks Yelvette might vote out Yapril slap yourself upside the head.
After a reminder that Survivor, a far better reality show than this, is premiering next Thursday, we are back to Julie who shows us the jury house out in the middle of Unabomber Land. Rachel is having a blast in her “Country Paradise” while JBlow (thankfully) is miserable that Sequesterville isn’t on a beach. I wonder if the producers arranged that switch at the last minute just to piss Jen off. James arrives and flips off JBlow, who is thrilled that the DarkSide is still in power. While watching the tape, JBlow continues to trash James. As if her popularity ratings could sink any lower. I think CBS needs to start adding negative numbers to its polls. While they are watching the tape, Beau shows up. JBlow tells Beau he will hate it there because there are “bugs and critters.” Which seems odd because JBlow surely had those same frat-house diseases inside the Big Brother house.
Now we have more filler of Yelvette, Janelle, and Maggot talking in the diary room about the inevitable vote-out. Yawn. Yelvette doesn’t like Yapril but Maggot asserts that if anyone turned on the Friendship they would lose every Friendship vote. And she and Crappy would force that person to drink the magic Kool Aid. Finally, it is time for the live eviction. Julie lets Yapril and Howie each plead their case to give us even more filler. Yapril blabs on for a very long time for someone who has no chance of leaving. Howie calls Yapril “a cute pawn” and thanks “Jedi Janie” wishing her the best against the Nerd Herd.
To no one’s surprise, Janelle votes to evict Yapril and Maggot votes to evict Howie. Julie reveals the tie and tells Yelvette to cast the deciding vote. Yelvette, like the moron she is, throws strategy out the window and votes to keep her friend Yapril and kick out the last man standing. After kissing the girls goodbye, Howie makes his way over to Julie. Julie asks Howie what happened to his strong alliance. Howie puts the blame on James, saying that he couldn’t take the chance of James blindsiding him. Still, he admits he was fumbling the football all the way to the end of the game. He also says the Nerd Herd played the game better than his group. Well, Howie, it is a little hard to compete against a cult follower like Yelvette. Julie asks how Howie thinks Janelle will do. Howie thinks she is the best player and still stands a chance.
Time for the goodbye messages. Janelle’s is heartfelt telling Howie what a great friend he’s been. Yapril is still obsessing over Howie being mean to her (Whatever will she do when she learns how mean all of America has been to her!). Maggot thanks Howie for being such a laughing joker. I think she's referring how much she laughed when she got him to nominate James and Sarah. Yelvette tells Howie he’s the one to blame for his eviction because he drew first blood. Whatever that means.
Time for the new HOH competition. Janelle, Yapril, and Maggot are standing on a circular bullseye contraption. The competition is “Before or After,” where Julie reads off one event and then asks whether it happened before or after another event. Because this isn’t world history all of the events are things that happened to the hamsters themselves. There will be seven questions total. Everybody gets the first question right, but Yapril misses both the second and third questions. With the fourth question, Janelle is the only one to remember that Beau won the martini bar before Maggot’s birthday. Everybody gets the fifth question right, but Maggot misses the sixth one. That means Janelle can’t lose, but she gets the last question right too just for good measure so nobody can accuse her of cheating.
So Janelle still has a chance of beating the Evil Empire. Not much of one but hopefully slim enough that the show’s ratings won’t completely tank. Janelle tells Julie she feels like Miss America. Cinderella with her ugly stepsisters is more like it. Don’t worry folks, only four episodes left. Last one still watching, please remember to turn off the TV, OK?