PART ONE (SATURDAY, 7/23): KAYSER’S SPECIAL MEAT AND TWO VEG
Obligatory recrap (how many times will we see the Big Eric/Michael Confrontation? The Earthshaking Ai!vette Pops Off at Kayser Sequence?) followed by our new Xtreme theme. Ai!vette and Eric figuratively spit at Michael’s exiting back. Michael’s picture turns a baleful black and white. All the gals – except Janelle – are glad to see Mike go, but now Aprul feels it’s okay to approach Janelle. Aprul explains that she LIKES Janelle, she just doesn’t like her in the HOUSE, or LIKE her like her, or something incomprehensible like that. Janelle lets Aprul babble and sniff around, occasionally tossing her Kibbles N Bits, but appears unimpressed.
Kayser’s win has “turned the sheep to deer in the headlights” (Eric’s always the one for a MANLY turn of a phrase) and the house is in turmoil. Rachel claims to be excited about the turn of events, while Ai!vette blames Allah. (Shut up, Ai!vette). Howie celebrates with new bestest buds Kayser and Janelle. Specially Janelle. Janelle wisely does not sponsor the notion of kicking off the girls she actually loathes, but, rather, advises K. to boot a strong player. All the others scramble around, moaning and looking for their woobies.
Add another dollop of recrap: Kayser promises James he will not put him up. This is our helpful editing clue that James will, in fact, be nominated. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Ai!vette, motioning toward Janelle, whines to Maggie that the “dumb girls” get to stay. Right, JANELLE’s the idiot. James hovers around the new power trio (Kayser, Howie and Jan) but ultimately opts to grab some nuts and retreat. There’s a metaphor there somewhere. Eric, noting Howie’s nose firmly lodged between Kayser’s (adorable) buns, remarks (in a note of stunning originality) that Howie has “gone over to the Dark Side.” Howie, meanwhile, from his perch atop Kayser’s prostrate gland, urges the new HOH to boot James.
The traditional Tour of the HOH Pad (which gets really boring after the second HOH competition has been held because, face it, it’s not like a team of decorators goes in and repaints and wallpapers and in general designs the star chamber to perfectly tailor it, each time, to the new emerging king of the hill, so what we’re actually doing is checking out the contents of a gift basket, gee wizz) takes place. Kayser has been given Islamically cut meat (nope, not gonna touch that! Well, I would, but this is a PG site, and, well, I think a lot of us feel a certain way about a certain dreamy Iraqi hamster and we’d all feel so dirty after), which Eric refers to as “kosher.” Can Eric really be Jewish, folks? Anyway, everyone pretends to congratulate Kayser and, as he himself describes it, “slowly seeps out.” He and Janelle are left alone to scheme.
James approaches Kayser. He plays Kayser, Kayser plays him, and they appear to make a deal. Meanwhile, Ai!vette decides to come out to Aprul. Explains she has a girlfriend and her name’s Maggie. Aprul is stunned, until Ai!vette explains that it’s not THAT Maggie. Aprul thinks (I’m not making this up) God has chosen to place her (Aprul) in the House for Ai!vette to come out to. (Sorry about that ending preposition, Coco). God: Yeah, right. Ai!vette considers this revelation a test of trust. I’m not sure the first person I’d confide in would be a burbling pharmaceutical flibbergibbet Kudrow-wannabee like Aprul, but that’s just me.
Janelle cautions Kayser away from trusting James. She urges him to put up James and Maggie – Eric will have to fight James to ensure Maggie stays. Janelle is NOT the dumb girl, folks.
Which brings us to the food comp/spelling bee.
Janelle can’t remember the “h” in “spaghetti” (hey, there’s CARBS in spaghetti! It’s been removed from her internal lexicon) and Ai!vette once again refers to Janelle as an idiot. James earns everyone’s respect by spelling “ham” correctly. Jennifer spells mayonnaise correctly. This is likely to be Jenn’s watershed moment on Big Brother 666. Aprul is asked to spell “pepperoni,” which is, like, so funny! Because her dog is named Pepperoni! Amazingly, she spells it correctly! God probably WANTED her to name her dog Pepperoni so she’d be all, like, prepared for this challenge. Beau spells “asparagus” correctly. (Wait. There’s someone in the house named “Beau”? *checks notes* Not seeing anything else here about any “Beau”...). Eric, always expert in things you stick in fires, spells “marshmallow” right. Maggie also nails “papaya.” Howie, however, blows “rhubarb.” Who cares?! It’s not as if everyone in the house will be hankering all week for rhubarb. Sarah gets collyflower. And you know what? She misses it! She can’t spell cohllieflhour! What a ditz. James expresses deep, deep disappointment in Sarah’s failure and rethinks their entire relationship. Kayser now gets up for the Big Food Spin and, cementing his enormous popularity at this point, lands on PB&J For Ever. Kayser, however, continues to revel in the consternation and dismay of the hamsters, perhaps not realizing that PB&J means not even the hunkiest HOH this side of the Mississippi gets to eat his specially-cut Islamic meat.
Howie announces he is a Jedi. (Catt? Why aren’t you watching this show, Catt? There are so many Star Wars metaphors flying that George Lucas is receiving season royalties). Howie trains “24/7” for Jedi Knighthood. This entails a lot of loose kicks at nothing in particular. Kayser breaks the news: Jedis Don’t Have Sex. (HD, is this true?). Howie is forced to “consider the Dark Side.” There’s that Dark Side again. Could Big Bother be indulging in a little heavy irony, given Eric’s reference to the Dark Side earlier? Does a chicken shite in the woods?
Meanwhile, Ai!vette comes crawling to Kayser, apologizes to him, character assassinates Janelle, and tells Kayser he’ll gain household respect if he puts Janelle up. Yeah, right. K. “admires her” nerve for even attempting this and patronizes her right out the door. She’s still yapping when CBS cuts to Sarah, approaching Kayser herself, in a Bambi-like way. Kayser tries to get her to admit she’s with James and tells Sarah “they all told me to put you and James up.” Smart Kayser! James knows Kayser is trying to ascertain that they (James/Sarah) are a couple. Smart James!
And it’s Nom Time.
James tells the Diary Room cameras that he didn’t sleep. Eric wonders if Kayser will think he (Eric) broke his agreement with Michael (you did, Eric) and therefore feel free to do the same. Maggie says she’ll be “very surprised” if she’s nominated. And you can SMELL the foreshadowing in the wind…
Kayser makes a stately speech about the game becoming more serious and then everyone starts yanking the keys. (No, that’s not code for anything).
Jen is safe. Beau (who???) is safe. Aprul is really irritating, but safe. Rachel looks horsey, but is safe. Eric is safe. Howie is safe. (Duh. And Howie actually THANKS Kayser. Wuv wuv wuv). Sarah is safe. Ai!vette is incredibly annoying, but safe. Janelle – quell surprise! – is safe.
SOOOOOOOooooooo….MAGGIE AND JAMES, you’ve just been nominated! We gotta a game, here folks!
Kayser rubs his hands and gleefully observes that the House is in “chaos! And I love it!”