Author’s Note: Because I plan on banging this summary out and then combining the yawnfest that is the Saturday night episode with the snap! crackle! pop! of the Tuesday installment to close out my week of self-inflicted punishment, er, summary-writing, I suspect the single characteristic you can expect from the forthcoming Brother summary will be “lack of cohesiveness.” Please recall that this is Big Brother, not The Brothers Karamazov, not Ulysses, not even Survivor. It’s a show about people who diddle each other on national television and then barf in the same bed.
First we enjoy the traditional Waltz of the Red Herrings: a series of scenes in which hamsters discuss voting out Janelle. Janelle fans who for some reason don’t (a) pay for the feeds or (b) enjoy simply reading what OTHER people who do, in fact, pay for the feeds and are willing to transcribe them for the good of the public (what’s up, Doc?) know they can breathe easier now. James worries that “Janelle is willing to do anything.” James is, of course, correct – the woman is making out with Michael, for heck’s sake. Eric, with his keen grasp of the obvious, comments that if Janelle makes HOH (one could argue that Janelle has already achieved “ho” status, but I mean officially HOH) “she won’t need any allies.” Duh. Allies will be flying out Janelle’s liposuctioned tush if she makes HOH, Eric probably first in line to shove his nose right up there. Janelle herself is worried about being booted, and seeks the comfort of avuncular (and I mean that in the “annoying-uncle-who-gets-drunk-at-weddings-and-pinches-your-thigh-while-offering-you-quarters” sense of the word “avuncular”) Howie, who invokes the Great Forgotten Surfboard Alliance for Janelle’s protection and peace of mind.
Julie, resplendent once again in a gold lame cocktail frock from Kmart’s “World of Susie Wong” Collection, greets the hamsters and questions Kayser about the Big Confrontation (with, might I add, the same degree of seriousness Walter Cronkite used to announce the Tet Offensive – lighten UP, Chenbot!). I’m not going to recap the Big Confrontation. My fellow posters, not to mention CBS, have already rehashed the overblown testosterone fest that was the Big Confrontation at painful length. (Actually, I lied; I WILL recap it: Michael: “You’re all talk and you have a small penis.” Eric: “What did you call my family?” Everyone in the yard who had enough energy to pretend to care: “Break it up, boys!” That was it.) Unless Julie was referring to when Ivette told Kayser he was a bad Muslim for appearing on the show and basically yap yap yapped away at the poor guy til he crumpled and curled up in a corner, whimpering, with his prayer rug. But that’s happened so many times already I’m not sure it counts as a Big Confrontation. Anyway, Kayser said nonspecific things about everyone growing up Since Then and bats his eyelashes in response to Julie inquiries. He’s vapid but he sure is purty, our Kayser.
Julie probes further, asking Eric what, in fact, Michael said to insult him. Eric replies that someone told April who mentioned to Sarah who distinctly recalls Beau whispering to Maggie that he heard Michael say all Irish Firefighters are actually pedophiles, or something like that. And that hurt Eric. He’s a sensitive guy. “So you heard everything SECOND HAND?” Julie persists, pointedly. Eric mumbles an affirmative response, muttering stuff about how Michael tried to intimidate him (Eric) before the Big Confrontation, and now Michael does not. (This is probably more due to the fact that Janelle is gargling with Michael’s seed pretty much 24/7 in the Boom Boom, excuse me, Gold Room than it is to some acceptance on Michael’s part of Eric as the superior Alpha dawg, but no one wants to make Eric cry by mentioning it). “You and James and Michael had an agreement,” observes Julie –Julie gets to reveal stuff like that? – and Eric allows that he pretty much just blew that whole notion off.
Hide the v-chip and bring out the airsickness bags, kiddies, because we are treated next to a montage of isolation and romance…i.e., lots of shots of Michael and Janelle lapping up each other’s faces in the ottoman (kewl round ottoman, BTW) and in the Bordello Suite, excuse me, Gold Room. Both indicate that they were just frankly using the other initially but now it's wuv wuv wuv. Which confuses and infuriates the rest of the household. Janelle even drops the “M” word into her confessions and appears to officially break up with her lover back home, Live from the Diary Room. Classy! (Jan, when you leave the Bother House and realize how likely you are to base the most important committed relationship of your life, in theory, on a series of gropings in front of 29 whirring cameras for summer television, I understand Diane from last season is looking for a roommate, if you promise not to cut your hair just like hers and dress just like her and throw the puppy out the window). Michael says lame shite like how Janelle’s perfume is intoxicating. Sheesh.
We FINALLY move on to various Diary Room misdirection snippets where various people tell us how they loathe the two nominees and most of the footage is edited towards making us think this is even a close race. Jennifer wants us to know she is not, NOT a lesbian, but the only reason she can think of to keep Janelle around is that Janelle is pretty to look at. Mmmmkay. Beau thinks Michael is misunderstood by the other hamsters because he’s from Europe (the implication being that Beau, so much more cosmopolitan and sophisticated, UNDERSTANDS the expat mystique).
So the voting’s coming up, but first we have to waste more precious moments of our lives by catching up on some of the most revolting (Nak excepted) hamster faces from last wretched season: The Couples of Big Bother Five. The funniest thing is that Nak still, clearly, can’t stand Cowboy, who remains a driveling yokel, and even Jizz and Helium, who appeared to have survived a traumatic breakup (Holly is suffering from the delusion that “all of America” wanted to know this), are closer than the blood relatives who discovered each other – and their loathing for each other – while we all watched, teary-eyed, from the comforts of home. (Dahlin Fester mentioned how this crop of hammies made one yearn for even last summer’s overripe harvest, but hearing Helium’s subhuman buzzsaw screech made me realize that so far not even Eric is as annoying as the Jizz/Helium combo, let alone Drool and Diane (who still, pathetically, lives within a few blocks of Drool, who won’t touch her with a ten foot pole, not that he possesses a ten foot pole, and who wears Bitterness like her signature cologne)). So, Jizz has been chewed up by Los Angeles and spit out back to Decatur or some godforsaken hole like that, and Nak’s hair is mint green now, and Drew’s watershed moment came on the “Bold and Beautiful” last year but his role was not reprised because the name of the show is “Bold and Beautiful” and not “Bland and Bastardlike,” and as we’ve seen from the pics on the web Cowboy and Aprul married in a wedding themed around Violet Beauregard’s blueberry sequence from the original “Wonka” flick, the twins are still, well, twins, and here is the perfect time to insert, with great respect and a tear in one’s eye for fallen comrades, a heartfelt brak brak brak. All of last year’s Bother DAWs (Nak excepted) can now disappear into the sunless untelevised void of Hasbeenville FOREVER, assuming there is a kind and benevolent scheme to the universe. If not, please just hit the Reset button and we can all go home to wait for the Rapture.
Let’s move on to the eviction, shall we? Julie intones that, by a vote of 9 to 1, Michael is kicked to the curb. Or at least as far as Julie’s faux leather settee in the faux patio in front of the faux house. Michael, not surprisingly, is not surprised, and departs the house without drama. One of the worst players to ever grace the Bother soundstage, he’s also the most boring exit interview. You can pretty much take all of Drew’s comments about Diane from last year and warm them up in the microwave and get how Michael feels about continuing to boff Janelle in the Outside World. Yawn.
The HOH competition commences and it is pretty much exactly like last week’s “intelligence” based game, expect it’s got a vox populi theme – don’t answer how you feel, but how you think the majority of hammies feel. In other words, how good are you at mindlessly following a crowd? Obviously, all of the contestants are skilled in this area, and the game goes on for what seems like a small eternity.
JULIE: What houseguest is most likely to send flowers after a first date? The answer is Kayser. Beau gets this wrong, which baffles me.
JULIE: Who is more intelligent, James or Eric? (Now, this is an actually provocative question…perhaps this game will actually stir the freaking pot a little…) The answer is, of course, James. All the veins on Eric’s forehead start to pulse, menacingly.
JULIE: Who is more likely to dress their pets in clothes? (So much for insightful, strategy-oriented questions). Beau is the unanimous answer. (Beau, honey, I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing, you know? I watched Showdogs Moms and Dads).
JULIE: Who would read her boyfriend’s email? What’s grosser, skanky clothes or scummy dishes? Who would you want to get stuck in an elevator with? Who would you let babysit your kids (are they out of their MINDS? The answer, at least from me, is NONE OF THESE A__HOLES). Jennifer, clothes, April, Janelle. Those are the actual answers. By now everyone is eliminated except Howie, Janelle, Kayser and Maggie.
JULIE: What was the total number of coconuts on the palm trees by the pool in the “Wipe Out” competition?
Now, this is unfair to Howie. If you read the feed transcriptions, you know that remembering to wipe is not Howie’s strong suit. Indeed, Howie’s guess is off, as is Maggie’s and Janelle’s, and low and behold! Kayser is our new HOH. Let’s see how quickly Ivette starts being nicer to Kayser. Let’s see what intriguingly FOREIGN goodies are in Kayser’s HOH suite! Let’s laugh at the commercial for Jennifer Love Hewitt, taking herself and her breasts very very seriously, as “The Ghost Whisperer” – coming soon to be cancelled by a CBS affiliate near you!
NEXT WEEK: Julie reveals the pairs to the other pairs. The season unravels accordingly. Part Dieux to follow.