Man, I hate this show! It reminds me of summer camp and all the agony I went through every year when my parents shipped me off with promises of fun, sun and horses. Liars! I had to sleep in freaky cabin with a bunch of random strangers while demonic counselors controlled my every move. People went through my stuff. They hung my dirty undies on sticks outside the main lodge and made me go look for them. They looked at my prepubescent body naked. I’m still in therapy.
And then? Demonic CBS comes up with this stupid idea for a Summer Show. Random strangers will live together in a big room. They will see each other naked, make friends in theory but not really, and we will all have to watch because it’s so much darn fun. They call it Camp Big Bother. They promise fun, entertainment and gratuitous sex. This is its theme song. We are all so doomed and life is not fair.
Hello mother, hello father Here I am at Camp Big Bother! Camp is oh-so, very kinky And they say they’re taking pictures of my dinky!
Beautiful bodies, bouncing boobies You look quick—you’ll see some pubies! Brainless morons, think they’re charming. Young and stupid, none of them are worth a farthing.
Turn off my cable, I hate Big Bother! Eat worms and spiders, I would rather! Convulsing wildly, I smash my big screen, Help me please oh help me now—I need some morphine!
Naked lechers, they’ve started drinking! Oh why do I watch? What am I thinking? I could be napping, or get a pedicure Really anything is better than this horror!
Okay, enough of my personal nightmare. You came here for a summary not a sing-along so summarying will now commence—ready or not here it comes… Big Bother!
Before we are allowed to actually meet this year’s crop of happy, hapless hamsters we are forced to take a tour of the new Big Bother House. CBS is oh-so proud because they think it is all fabulously beautiful and stuff. I think it was decorated by Trading Space’s Doug when he was in a “grid” kind of mood. Remember that time he made the fat lady cry? Yeah, it’s that bad. This House is no Divine Design.
Anyway, Voiceover Man just can’t stop raving about how beautiful The House is. It has two stories! And a stripper’s pole disguised as a spiral stairway! The HOH room has been upgraded and could now be given one star by the Motel Six Alliance of South Tucson, Hourly Rental Division. There are 47 cameras (five of them solely dedicated to whichever guy Julie has the hots for this summer.) There are 76 microphones and about seven bright yellow fish. And of course everyone’s favorite Camp Counselor—Julie Chen, aka The Chenbot.
Julie looks pretty good, actually. You know—for a soulless media whore willing to prostitute her talents (if she has any) for either money or connections. She is professionally coiffed, buffed and toned. Until she opens her mouth she looks good! She is wearing a shiny, silvery skirt and coordinating sleeveless top. I decide she knows the Legend of the Chenbot and is gently toying with us. Robots wear shiny Mylar clothing, right? Our Julie Chen has taken the robot theme and run wild with it. She is wearing a steel brassiere. Really. There can be no other explanation for why her chest is so sharp looking. Things are just not that pointy in nature.
Oh, wait. Miz Chen is talking. Brak-brak-brak Million Dollar Prize brak-brak-brak Summer of Secrets brak-brak-brak Big Twist brak-brak-brak Hamsters Are Actually Pairs brak-brak-brak. Only that last part deserves any explanation. Instead of 14 people playing for themselves, this year’s Houseguest Hamsters are actually 7 pairs of people. Supposedly each pair thinks they are the only pair. And? These people are so stupid that I predict several of them will never figure out or believe that they are not the only secret couple. Anyway, if a pair can somehow manipulate the game so that they are the Last Two Standing then the usual prize of $500,000.00 becomes $1,000,000.00.
Let’s meet the campers hamsters! Someone hit the Fast Forward button—it’s time to play “Bestow The Key Upon The Chosen Ones”. Yes, this is that segment where we are supposed to meet each hamster on their home turf and watch them act surprised, like they didn’t even know a camera was on them, like they didn’t even notice when a sound guy jammed a microphone box up their butt.
Jennifer says she is the total package and Michael says the hamsters will be putty in his little artist’s hands.
Howie babbles about stormy weather and how he thinks he looks good in anything, including the six dozen baggy shirts from Wal-Mart hanging in his closet.
Somebody has too many shoes.
Janelle gets the news in her place of employment. As a VIP Cocktail Waitress she wears a white bustier with garters to hold up her white stockings, bikini panties and nothing else.
Nurse Maggie snaps her latex glove menacingly. . Kaysar is shown praying. Because, ya know, all Muslims ever do is pray. And it’s such a sensitive way for CBS to put the guy into a very small box. Have they ever shown a Catholic crossing him/herself repeatedly? I can’t remember. Because that’s all Catholics do, ya know. Or an Extremely Orthodox Jew strapping on his pterodactyls (or whatever those straps are called?) Because that’s all Jews do, ya know. (Atheists just smoke all the time and have endless promiscuous sex. The Big Three Religions all agree that atheists are going to Hell soon enough anyway, so I guess they’re just getting ready to blend in down there and meet the Devil on his own terms.)
Beau flaunts his boa — just in case all 384 other clues that he might be gay have escaped your notice.
Ivette (who can’t even spell her own name btw) says “I have a secret that no one in the Big Brother House will guess” and then she quick smooches the cutest little red-haired girl sitting right beside her on the bed. And that quickly? Big Brother has its first lesbian on-screen kiss. And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!
Newlywed April first lets her Miniature Schnauzer lick her uvula — then offers her lips to her husband. Evidently he is used to sloppy seconds from a dog because he doesn’t even blink. Just sucks the dog saliva off of his wife’s face.
I probably forgot some people but who cares? They were too forgettable to start with.