The Apprentice 3 - Episode 5 Summary

'Michael Must A-Go-Go' By PagongRatEater

Previously on The Apprentice Bren put Michael in his place for slacking during the previous task (unfortunately “his place” wasn’t reality), but he nodded his head like a good monkey and all was forgiven and forgotten for five whole seconds. Painfully, we had to revisit the entirety of last weeks’ body wash abuse. I won’t put you through all the painful details again (read Estee’s wonderful summary if you’re THAT much of a glutton), but if you really MUST know…

Networth feel apart while trying to find the perfect balance between “actors” and water misting cans, while Kristen, Queen of the Harpies, rode herd over a disaster of almost Magna-like proportions. And speaking of Magna, they decide that the way to win this task was to make gay veggie porn and pass “body wash” off as some kind of strange cucumber lubricant.

Needless to say that both teams sucked at this task and Donnie Duetch will not be back for The Apprentice 4 after clawing his eyes out trying to get the burned-in retinal images to go away. Trump decided to bring both teams to the boardroom, just cause he’s the Donald, he can do whatever he wants except take away an exemption. That is a no-no, but anything else works in a world where bad comb-overs and pink ties equal power.

In the bored-room, Networth continues to snipe at each other, while Magna decides it is nobler to hang together rather than all hanging separately. The Donald is suitably impressed that they can overcome the Borg Collective’s loathing for Michael enough to not to sacrifice of him to appease the angry gods. Kristen’s poor leadership skills and lack of any real demonstrable skills as a minor deity, consign her to that minor hell known as ‘no longer being on television weekly’. Because even though Michael is hated by all, Kristen – YOU make for worse television.

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Cue the music

Back at the suite, both teams anxiously await the shocking results of this precedent setting bored-room. Magna and Networth hoping beyond hope that the Donald will do them the favor of removing the anchors dragging their teams down. Alex is so excited by the prospect of Michael not returning that he throws a spontaneous hallway party so as not to miss the opening of the door. There hasn’t been this much rooting for a fellow teammate to get voted off since Burton got chucked from the Pearl Islands (umm, the first time, just to clarify). Stephanie goes so far as to state for the cameras, “Mr. Trump has got to pick Michael. He has no passion, no integrity and I don’t need any competition for that role.”

The room explodes with ‘fakey-love’ as all the contestants, minus the she-god Kristen, return. Angie and Chris are shocked because Kristen was fired. Chris shock mostly arising from the fact that he was positive that Michael was gay and that Trump would surely fire him for it. Angie couldn’t believe that Audrey had survived as tussle with Kali, who she was certain would eat her alive as is right as proper. Audrey, on the other hand, points out that if you F with her, she will bury you and then lets loose a string of epithets that demonstrates why the high school grads may need to get some kind of vocabulary builder tapes. After an entire sentence that has to be bleeped out, Audrey finishes by stating, “That is not how you handle business.” - totally missing the irony, which is a downside to not having attended college, you can’t appreciate your own irony.

Magna retreats to the balcony to lick their wounds after having “won” another week with Michael, who goes on to point out that he thinks Trump likes him. Not likes him, but liikes him. Apparently there was some flirting going on in the bored-room as Trump winked, arched an eyebrow and blew kisses at Mikey unbeknownst to the other contenders. This contest is over, Michael the mini-Trump will sweep to victory on the strength of their mutual love for Eastern European women – the tie that unites all red-blooded mogul wanna-bes. Someday Michael hopes to have the kind of bling that will allow him to get one of those really GOOD mail order wives, but for now he will just try to insert them into every.single.task. Erin, reminding me more each week of Winona Rider after the kleptomania made her unemployable, feels compelled to point out the obvious that Michael ‘lives in Michael-land. He’s a jack-a$$ and nothing like Mr. Trump.’

Cut to sunrise as we get yet another shot of the most interesting character in this whole show, New York City. The phone is ringing and this season The Apprentice has decided to try for a little more curb appeal by putting it next to the women’s bedroom. Angie, practically falling out of her pajamas, answers the phone as a terrified Rhona stiltingly reads her weekly cue card and exits immediately.

They meet King Don at the Trump World Tower and are disappointed to learn that Carolyn will not been joining them for this task. Millions of televisions click off as frustrated men all across America have to now dial 900 numbers for tonight’s dominatrix fix. Instead we will have the Donald’s other token female executive, Jill Kramer, join the teams to be the eyes and ears of the Trump organization. Jill is highly skilled in handling marketing AND “various projects”, so basically a utility infielder just stepping in to pinch hit this week before she gets dropped right back down to the minors. Trump points out once again that he was ‘very disappointed’ with their performance last week and expects a better job this week, which means as long as you don’t spend the entire episode sitting around the suite eating pizza (sorry Michael), we should see some marked improvement.

The Donald then points out his limousine to the contestants and this time it’s not a self-congratulatory trip down ‘lookee what I got’ lane, but rather a lead in to our task. "As a high powered important executive, I have to do a lot of work from my car. (so he can have plenty of time left over for a farce of a reality show). This week’s task is to create a mobile business – both teams will be given an Airstream trailer and a team of techs to design the perfect setting for their business." It can be almost any service business and Donald wants the teams to get creative – Michael starts thinking a ‘photography studio’ with Eastern European models would be JUST the thing. Each team gets a $5000 VISA card – yes, that’s right Visa; the greatest card in the history of the world and the only card accepted by the Trump Organization unless next years sponsor is American Express – to use as seed money, and Trump gives the cards to Audrey and Bren with strict instructions not to involve any kind of vegetables in this task.

Both teams retire to the suite to select leaders and come up with a plan for the task – which means we’ll see Magna after about 5 hours of over-analysis, pie charts and comparative leadership studies. Actually, Bren decides that the VISA card – official sponsor of the 2006 Winter Games – makes him the leader. Since it really doesn’t seem to matter to any of them who leads them down the path to inevitable failure, everyone quietly accedes to Bren’s request. Team Magna is most assuredly underwhelmed and, all Michael issues aside, appears to reek of the scent of defeat and failure. Or perhaps someone really needs a shower.

Over at Networth, Tana immediately throws her hat into the ring to head up this task. According to the c-t Tana has started MANY successful businesses and wants this chance to prove herself. (Am I the only one who wonders how ‘successful’ these businesses have been if she is not actually running any of them?) Since even the dolts playing the game have figured out that being PM is a double-edged sword at best, no one seems to mind letting Tana be the team leader. Before deciding what to do for this task, Tara - who I am quite sure was put on this show to confuse me (along with Audrey and Angie) – offers that the teams are much better off going down to the trailer to brainstorm on what idea they could come up with that will be better than whatever lame idea Magna comes up with.

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