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The Apprentice 3 - Episode 16 Summary

'Here's a Story, of a Delusioned Lady, with Three Very Messed Up Children' By Fishercat
Original Airdate: May 12, 2005

Well, we are two weeks away from this complete catastrophe of an Apprentice season being, mercifully, over. To add insult to injury, Verna quit during Week 3, adding one week to the season. Add that to the change to three one-hour episodes from one three-hour episode, and when all the dust settles, Webby needs more reviewers. If you guys want a recap of last week, then read Ginger's Fabulous Summary. You can either believe that my VCR did not record the beginning of the recrap, or I am plugging some of the amazing summary writers on this site, or I am lazy. Any one of the three would be correct. Anyway, the theme song blares and I bring my notepad out to take illegible notes for your reading torture pleasure. I will note, since I am unoriginal and I actually like the writings of Bill Simmons (BTW, for certain OT-Sports people who abhor Bill Simmons, I have some bodyguards around my house to protect me just for that comment), I will shamelessly borrow a diary-style format. I am converting the time for the actual showing time in your local area, because I’m nice like that. Or maybe because I can’t tell time. Whatever works.

9:01: The intro starts and I hear “For the Love of Money” for the second time this week. What’s the odds in Vegas on Bo making more money then either Tana or Kendra under Trump© anyway? They can’t be that good, people actually have hopes for Bo. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind performing in a third world country like Kendra would…whoops, bad flashbacks, sorry.

9:03: I could cover the one minute that Kendra and Michael talked, but I would be violating the “Michael” clause of The Apprentice Handbook, which reads as…

I. Any conversation including Michael and a group (of at least one) person must mention the words, “European” and “Supermodel” for Michael to care.

If he doesn’t care, why should I? Anyway, Tana’s comedy of errors begins, as she decides to place Kristin in charge of a creative project, in this case, a program for the Olympic event. Now, Chris has the attention span of my dimwit cat and Brian is more interested in Viking Hats then anything else, but giving the person who lost on a task where her opponent made cucumber porn a creative project? It’s the equivalent of giving Shawn Kemp any sort of contraceptive, and he has children in 36 of the contiguous United States, Hawaii, and even a few other countries.

9:04: Tana’s little pet Kristin decides to whine about the placement of some of the signs in the arena. Kristin wants them to move or fix their toys, while Brian and Chris want to leave the blocks and power rangers where they are. They both try to reach mommy first to give their side of the story and mommy has to mediate. Chris and Kristin are both sent to sit in different corners. Brian threatens to go home if he doesn’t get his way, then Tana reminds him that his feet cannot reach the pedals anyway, and he proceeds to shut up.

9:06: Wow, that was a short commercial break. Four commercials won’t even let me respond to a post here, or make a sandwich. I can’t even piss in that amount of time. All I know if that they tried to sell me a car (which cost about as much as a few years of college), tried to sell me a movie (I think about extreme sports and drugs or something), and television shows I wouldn’t watch.

9:07: HOLY CRAP, BRIAN’S NEKKID!!! Wow, that’s some scary, scary imagery. If you didn’t see the episode, well, I envy you. I missed the whole scene the first time I saw it, but I saw way too much skin the second time around. Did they need to show us that? Well, I guess they did, they showed us the Viking Hat, correct? On a remarkable note, Tana was actually up first and ready to go, you know, instead of sleeping during the most important task at the moment.

9:09: We are segued to Kendra and her management of the Main Sponsor Video Game Tournament. Kendra has to keep her main sponsors happy. She to keep her main sponsors happy, she decides to talk to the main sponsors and keep her flunkies doing manual labor tasks. Her presentation convinces main sponsor #2, which is running main sponsor #1’s game, to not pull their sponsorship. It’s all about appeasing the main sponsor, right Kendra?

9:11: On the other hand, we have Tana, who has labeled her team as “three idiots” and “three stooges”. So, instead of giving them the simple labor tasks or giving them painstakingly specific instructions, she…tells them nothing. She rolls her eyes when Kristin updates her on the program, which should be great. Tana says she is in charge of everything while Chris argues it will be too hectic. It’s like the blind and the illiterate arguing on which book is better. Meanwhile, Vinnie, Guvnah George Pataki’s assistant, is incessantly whining to Tana about a schedule of today’s events.

9:14: Well, this is what happens when you let Kristin handle a creative project. She was given a sheet of all the athlete’s accomplishments and personality traits, some negative ones. So, Kristin decides to print it word-for-word. Tana later states that she previewed it exteriorly, but not interiorly. In addition to that, Pataki’s little boy toy is still whining, everyone is whining, and Tana wants us all to know how pretty her eyes are.

9:16: Woohoo, cell phone commercial with a Jack Johnson song. He’ll likely make more money singing then any of these Apprentice lackeys will under Trump ©. Otherwise, crappy movies, expensive cars, NBC’s television shows, and Old Navy Swimsuits featuring an eclectic group of dancers. The minority actors and actresses are making more money off the Apprentice then Craig or Tara will from the Donald.

9:18. Donald talks business about how the increase on property A will outweigh the negative impact on property B or something like that, or he could be describing to Disease, his 9th wife, the effect of Viagra on his wang and hair respectively. Like I know.

9:19. Tana slobbers over some Olympians, including Justin Gatlin (2004 gold for 100m dash), Michael Phelps (the world’s best swimmer), Bart Connor (gold medalist…in 1984), and Nadia Comaneci (Perfect 10 in 1976). OK, it’s fine to do the whole Gatlin/Phelps love fest, but aren’t the other two D-list celebrities now? The odds of them being in the Surreal Life House are even in Vegas at this very moment. Not shockingly, Pataki is (still) confused.

9:20: A new crisis occurs, as the U.S. flag is not in the “World Flags” box. An understandable mistake, but anyone who observed the recent reality TV act would know that America is not part of “the world” now, but an entirely separate planet within a planet. The Reality TV legislature recently passed this act, as Kendra’s argument about separating our superior selves (and Canada) from the rest of these breeding grounds for inferiority was the best thing for us. Not to mention, the inferior ratings for Joe Millionaire in Europe compared to Joe Millionaire based on the women of the good ole’ U.S. of A. proves our superiority.

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