Big Brother 7: All-Stars - Episode 7 Summary

'The Brief, Tragic, And Exceptionally Stupid Reign Of King James I' By Estee

So, previously on Big Brother -- like it actually matters. You want to know what happened previously on this show? Watch the current episode. One of the many problems this series has always faced is a near-total lack of future. With no ability to foreshadow beyond a few hours and entice us with what's coming later in the season, they're forced to continually revisit their own past. Basic rule of the show: 'when the screen goes blue, we're boring you.' Because you've seen it all before, and you'll see it all again, and again, and again, because this year's cage has last year's hamsters and they haven't learned how to make new mistakes. They can't even make the same old mistakes in vaguely entertaining ways. In fact, so little happened in this episode that in order to get through the whole thing without saying 'You know, I could totally do The Apprentice next season. The whole thing,' and the instant that comes out, you know what's left of my sanity has just gone to Howie's Happy Place, I may occasionally distort things. Very slightly. Just a tiny little bit. I have to do something for my own psychosis amusement, and if that means inserting the occasional line or resetting a scene, so be it. You'll probably never notice.

Now in case you missed last week, and the producers are assuming you are because gawds know none of us have any remaining reason to watch this crap, here's the bluescreened short form: Kaysar won HoH. Half the house went on slop morning, noon, and night, which was probably a vague improvement on acting like (censored) for that same time period. (By the way? Oatmeal. This is the legacy of that failed attempt to put a copyright on PB&J. Who do they think they are, Donald?) Diane and Nakomis were nominated for eviction, producing two very different reactions: Nakomis dyed her hair, and Diane flooded the house. Tears. Endless tears. Apparently Diane has nothing in her life except reality shows and soft drugs, so if she loses her place in the cage, it'll just destroy her forever. This is very probably true, for a given value of 'true' that translates to 'Well, if you wanted to be on television forever, why didn't you just go on The Real World?'

Nakomis and Diane promised each other that they wouldn't campaign to save themselves. Normally I'd tell you 'Wait for it' here, but I think you can all see this coming, so let's get to the results of their campaigning to save themselves. Nakomis got S6 to promise not to vote her out, and they kept that promise -- for the value of S6 which equals 'Janelle.' Between that and Will's wanting to keep a remotely interesting person in the house, preferably one who wasn't forcing George to scrub for mildew every hour on the hour, Nakomis had two whole votes for saving her and eight whole votes for 'Diane's kind of hot, in that skinny, too-much-pot, unfocused, I-could-get-her-for-a-cameo-on-Hell's Kitchen sort of way.' So Nakomis left, with none of her housemates saying goodbye to her because who knows? That hair color could be catching. And then a miracle occurred. We had an HoH competition featuring the stupid Target Isolation Booths Of Doom (only $8.99!), and Julie called it right. Julie recognized who won and gave HoH to the person who actually did the best at coin flipping. This turned out to be -- wait. That can't be right. James? Since when does that key look like a veto medallion? I guess if an infinite number of hamsters flip an infinite number of coins in an infinite number of isolation booths, eventually, one of them will say or do something interesting. Unfortunately, that's not going to be in this show, but don't worry: infinity has a long way to run and this show's cheap to produce, so it'll be around for most of it.

Who will James -- no, seriously. James? -- nominate for eviction? How will the hamsters do in the food competition? What bits of pointless time filler are about to corrode our screens? And why is no one in the production crew bright enough to suddenly sit up and say 'I know! We'll give them pellets!'

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Duh. Roll opening credits.

(You know, I could watch Alison leave all day. I once watched her fall down some stairs for twenty minutes.)

And here's James, winning The Price Isn't Quite Right isolation booth showcase by going over. (Watch his face: he knew he'd gone higher than the target number, mostly because Julie just told him and it's a question mark as to whether she knew -- but he thought Danielle had it. Surprise!) Howie races over to congratulate him, which might be seen as a stupid move, but it's not exactly as if the S6 alliance is a secret, and do you know how much good being quiet and dignified does in this group? None. So go ahead and celebrate, Howie, because if you were quiet, they'd just say you were rubbing it in their faces with your silence. And we all know how much Howie likes to rub things. Admittedly, maybe not as much as Mike...

Flashback: Nakomis is leaving the house. Goodbye, Nakomis! Don't forget to take your hair dyes with you, because we all know George has been dying to do something with his -- lower colors -- since you got here! Diane confessional-tell declares that Nakomis was her best friend and now she's going to win the game for her. And give her all the money. And dedicate her life to getting people off pot. Or any one out of three. Jase doesn't move from the couch: his c-t sees no need to suck up to Nakomis because she's not going to be on the jury, she six-fingered him out of his first cage, and he hates her, so what's the point of saying goodbye? He's not willing to fake it. That's the job of his partners. (Personally, I don't see why Jase is so angry. He usually has to pay out hundreds of dollars just to find someone willing to think about five-fingering him, and she gave him the sixth for free.) Mike is c-t thrilled to have Diane around, because he thinks she's hot. There are two people in the world that Diane appeals to, one of them was lying about it until he got the check, and the other is in the cage right now. What were the odds? And Will just can't believe they voted Nakomis out, because he was thisclose to talking her into getting several small tattoos removed so she could put a larger one on, and do you know how much he gets for that removal procedure? A lot. Between that and Howie's upcoming Botox injections, who would need the prize money?

"Hell froze over today," Diane c-ts, "and for some reason, I'm still in this house." (Totally my bad. I knew asking for a sigpic would have consequences, but -- this?) She feels it just clearly wasn't her time to go. (sniffs air) Nope. Expiration date's come and gone. It was your time to go. In fact, you're two years past due.

Will is trying to work some math. There were two votes for saving Nakomis. One was his. He suspects the other came from someone in S6, and he's right: Janelle wanted someone to smoke with, and that is not code for anything. Will thinks this is the beginning of a fracture in the S6 alliance. This is possible. Will also thinks he has a chance to win twice. This is cute.

James and Howie take c-t moments to explain their votes. James felt threatened by Nakomis, and with Diane, he feels safe. (Translation: 'Diane isn't smart enough to be a threat.') Howie believes the cage is a better place for him with Nakomis out the feeding hatch. (Translation: she refused to give him those pod racing stripes he's wanted his whole life.)

Flash-forward. James is about to win the HoH competition. Look at his face -- oh, we did this. We also did Howie running up and screaming something that sounded like "Safe from the block, baby!". Is there something we haven't seen yet? Oh, there we go: James holds the HoH key in front of his face and asks the others "What does this do?" He then points to his brain and asks "What does this do?" Since this is the B.B.A.Stards cast, no one can answer either question, and all the hamsters mill around until they're finally herded back into the main part of the cage.

Danielle c-t knows what her strategy is for a third consecutive week of S6 power: pucker lips, apply to nearest rear. (It takes five members of the production crew to get Mike away from the Diary Room in time.) “James wins HoH for the first time in Big Brother history -- I’ll give it up to him.” Well, at least she’s honest about her method for staying safe... For his part, James is just thrilled to have one week where he knows he's not going to be on the block. At least -- he thinks he's not going to be on the block. They did promise twists. It would be kind of a big twist if the HoH was an automatic nominee, right? And they didn't tell him until it was too late? Why, at this very moment... (It takes seven of them to get James out from under the couch.)

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