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HOME > EPISODE SUMMARIES

Big Brother 7: All-Stars - Episode 12 Summary

'Diane Goes Home' By frisky
Original Airdate: August 3, 2006

That's right, folks, Episode 12. Have I entered the twilight zone, you say? Am I having a bad trip? Nope, it's just me, frisky, being silly and committing to a summary when I'm on vacation and taking an impromptu vacation to Toronto, where much catnip was spilt and tails were chased, and then taking a sh!t attack when I sat down to watch BB tonight and saw that sheep with the pink ribbon and thought...hmm...sheep with pink ribbon. Sheep with pink ribbon. Sheep with pink ribbon. OMG!! The freakin' summary! I forgot to do the freakin' summary!

So, with that said...

Talk about slop.

For our first course of filler, we will regurge the whole lame phan phonecalls phiasco, those wakeup calls that Marcelles so eloquently describes, quite accurately, as "a ridiculous waste of money." Hehehe. I bet the producers loved that comment on their live show, Marcelles. Somewhere in the darkness of the control room, we hear the *scritch* of pencil on paper as the word SLOP is scritched next to Marcelles' name.

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Julie wants us to know that Diane and Erika took different approaches to campaigning for votes as we will see in this segment. Diane has decided to chide her housemates for promising votes before the veto is played. Since Diane got on the block post-veto, this does not work to her advantage, unless the producers decide to fix the game. We'll see what happens.

Diane's strategy may work, because Danielle is now entertaining the idea of keeping Diane. She goes to Booger, and he says, sorry, he is a man of his word. James says he might budge, and he is also wondering why Mike has suddenly become a man of his word. James has decided they can't be friends anymore.

Diane continues her whining strategy, and thinks she might get James, Will, Booger and Chicken, and maybe Danielle, and then, MAYBE THEN, the producers will see the light and fix the show in her favour.

Back to Julie, and we don't get to see Erika's approach for some reason. Maybe because it doesn't matter, since Erika will get more screentime as the season goes on. Well, spank me and call me a bad kitty, Mark Burnett! Could the producers of this Survivor wannabe be a little less subtle with the mystery of who gets the boot?

Instead of Erika's campaigning, we go straight to the HoH room where Julie is steadfastly delivering fifty thrashings to Janelle with her glittery blue belt from last week. "You whore! Are you falling for Will?!" Janelle looks shocked and flustered and replies "Julie, you ignorant slut! Will and I are just good friends, like you and your, um, BOSS, you boss-hogging bad-clothes-wearing hostest with the leastest twit!!"

Unfazed, Julie questions Janelle about the pecking order in her alliance, and Janelle starts listing off all her alliance members "Howie, Marcellus, Kaysar, James, Mike Boogie, Dr. Evil, Mini-me, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey,..."

I've just noticed something. Janelle doesn't include any chicks in her alliance. She's still rattling off names here, and...let's listen...nope, no chicks. Does Janelle have some sort of fear of other women? Does she have a, dare I say, complex about female competition? NAAWWWWWW!

Damn right she does.

Sooooo, back from commercial and Janelle is still rattling off names (still no chicklets), and Julie whacks her upside the head with her cue card and tells her to STFU, it's time to talk to another bimbo. It's Amy, the cute 'lil lushie drunk from BB3. Oooooo but waitaminnit, she seems bitter!

Her and her husband live on the water and they entertain a lot and travel a lot and well dang gummit laff is juss lak a lil ole vacation! *cough*welfare*cough*

Amy says she's never laughed as much in her entire life as she did in the house, so obviously hubby is a blast at parties. She seems to hate Janelle, and says that she is tempted to buy her when she visits the local tranvestite sex shop, but just doesn't have the money. She says that Marcy and her are no longer friends, because he wasn't loyal to her and wasn't her friend. Then, we get to see, once again, The Stupidest Move in Reality Show History: the footage of Marcelles stomping out the door after evicting himself from BB3.

Julie wants to prolong the agony for Diane and Erika, and makes them make The Speech. Erika complies, and tells everyone she's honoured, they'll be BFF's, and she's really, really honoured. Diane, however, breaks all the damn rules. B*tch starts spewing out names of her family members, and then launches into a tirade where she tells Marcy that he's her second favourite gay man in the world next to Les Moonves, and advises the hampters that they should know better than to promise their votes before the POV. She wants to stay, but she's not stupid and knows she's going, so let's just get on with it.

Okaaaayyyy, somebody didn't take her Midol today!!

Now we're going to do a live vote. Kaysar's bald head votes for Diane. Kaysar's a$$ looks really, really bad in those jeans. And I don't mean "bad" in a good way. Howie votes to evict Diane. Marcy evicts Diane. Booger votes to evict Diane. Will votes to evict himself. Julie smacks him upside the head with her cue card, and he votes to evict Erika. Chicken votes to evict Diane, but who cares what Chicken thinks. Danielle votes to evict Diane. James evicts Diane, and seems to try to wipe some crud off the bottom of his shoe as he leaves the DR.

Julie tells Diane to get the hell out of the house. She joins Julie as the remaining HG's fake-hug and fake-cry. Julie asks Diane what happened, and Diane said that Janelle said bad stuff about her, and so Diane like said "like what gives?" and Janelle was all "like, who cares," and Diane was all like "how lame" and Janelle said "totally" and then nominated her.

Julie asks about the little diddy 'bout Jase and Diane, and Diane says that it was all a figment of Jase's imagination and part of his attraction to Brad Pitt. Diane admits she ain't no Angelina Jolie.

Messages from HG's: Will says she's sweet and you have to be a b*tch to stay in the house. Speaking of b*tch, Janie says she's like totally gellus. Howie will miss looking at her, Chicken will miss her, and Marcy vows vengeance.

Then, Diane does the inexplicable by reviving the Most Stupid Phrase Ever Uttered On Reality TV by saying that she hopes Carmen Miranda and Carmen Electra show up and throw their Karma Boomerangs straight at that chick-hatin Janelle.

Julie says, okay, enough b*tch, I've gotta go hop on Les' Learjet {code} for NY for the Early Show to interview your sorry a$$ yet again. "But first, the unfixed and untampered-with HoH competition."

The HG's go outside and look perplexed at the thingie in front of them. Kaysar, the articulate one, remarks, "Spiders. Hanging." There's a web, they have to grab it with their arms and legs, get on top of it, don't touch red, don't touch mats. If you fall, get an egg. Only five eggs, and two are rotten. One is a slop pass, one is a vote nullifier, and one is ten thou. Julie cackles as she says this, thinking of how pissed Mrs. Moonves the First will be when she finds out why she's missing a week's worth of alimony.

There is much whining about discomfort. HG's are not used to sitting around doing nothing. Julie decides to screw with them a bit. She says it's going to get tougher, because the spider is getting hungry. She may have explained the gooey white substance that beings spewing all over the HG's, but she was bleeped out by expletives from the HG's.

Cliffhanger! The show is over, so you'll have to stay tuned to see who wins HoH! The suspense must be killing you.












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