It has been over 20 years since we have seen our duo and a lot has changed. Both women have just turned 50. Laverne never married and her father has passed on and she now manages and owns the Pizza Bowl. Shirley, who left the apartment to get married to Walter, has recently been divorced and since the kids have grown up and are on their own, she has moved back in with Laverne. In tonight’s episode “An Amazing Race”, Laverne and Shirley are prepared to have a quiet evening at home while watching their favorite reality TV show- The Amazing Race, it is the night of the two hour finale. Both ladies are very excited to find out who the winner will be. Laverne has been cheering on Rob and Amber the whole way, Shirley is an avid fan of Uchenna and Joyce. Neither one likes Ron or Kelly. They have no idea what is in store for them but by the end of the evening they will have their own Amazing Race adventure.
Cue the music…Give us any chance we’ll take it, read us any rule we’ll break it, we’re gonna make our dreams come true…doin’ it our way. Nothin's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way…
Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a live studio audience.
Fade in to the living room; the girls are hustling around getting the last minute preparations in line.
Shirley: Scooter Pies?
Shirley: Remote control?
Laverne: Check, check, check, we got it all Shirl, even the milk for the Pepsi, come on let’s sit down before we miss the introduction, I just love to hear Phil talk. (She sighs) He is a dreamboat.
Shirley: All right, I’m ready Laverne. (She holds her skirt from behind as she jumps onto the couch and bounces a couple of times)
Laverne sits down with the bowl of popcorn on her lap and turns the large screen television on with the remote and then sets it on the end table. She rubs her hands together and takes a hand full of popcorn and begins to eat it.
Previously on the Amazing Race, 11 teams started out in this race around the world…
Shirley: I loved when Ryan and Chuck “load tested” the zip line, it really is too bad they were out first I really liked them.
Laverne: Yeah, I agree. Then Debbie and Bianca the two best friends who are most likely lesbians got lost and finished last, they had showed such promise.
Shirley: Laverne, your mouth, have you lost your mind?
Laverne: Let’s face it Shirl, at my age I may never get married, I may as well have a little excitement in my vocabulary before I die. Speaking of which, that last shot of Brian and Greg with Meagan and Heidi reminds me, do you think they had any ‘voe dee doe doe’ while sharing that hotel room?
Shirley: Oh I don’t know, but those girls should have set higher standards if they did.
Laverne: Oh, I had forgotten what a pessimist Patrick was, man he is a whiner.
Shirley: I bet if I met Susan we would turn into pretty good friends, she was so sweet.
Laverne: Are you kidding me? That woman was an overbearing prude.
Shirley: Oh for crying out loud, let’s just agree to disagree on that one, it will be a long night if you keep this up.
Laverne: Ray and Deana, now that was a dysfunctional team if I ever saw one. The way they self-destructed…
Shirley: And then Brian and Gregg were next. They rolled that jeep and hurt that nice cameraman. I wonder how he is doing now?
Laverne: I bet he is OK. Oh and look, there is Lynn and Alex, don’t they remind you so much of Lenny and Squiggy?
Shirley: Well now that you mention it…hey Laverne, something is wrong with your TV set, can you hear that high-pitched noise?
She stands up and goes over to the television and starts banging on the side of it.
Shirley: It just won’t stop, it isn’t going away.
Shirley steps in front of the set and begins banging on the other side, Laverne cranes her neck to the left to try to see around Shirley.
Laverne: Oh Shirl, the TV isn’t busted, that is just Gretchen whining about her broken elephant!
Shirley: Oh, ha ha, OK.
She goes back and takes a seat.
Laverne: Only three teams left, I hope Rob and Amber win, they are such a made for each other couple.
Shirley: I just love Uchenna and Joyce, they are genuinely nice people.
Laverne: Rob and Amber!
Shirley: Uchenna and Joyce! Isn’t there anything we can agree on?
Laverne: Sure, Kelly is a skank.
Shirley: Well, I wouldn’t use those exact words, but yeah, pretty much.
Laverne: Oh good, a commercial break.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Laverne and Shirley go over to the door and Shirley reaches into the closet and pulls out two baseball bats. She gives one to Laverne and raises hers and says in a deep voice:
Shirley: Who is it?
Voice: It’s us.
Shirley: (looks at Laverne) It sounds like Lenny and Squiggy.
Laverne: So let them in.
She opens the door and there stands Lynn and Alex. Shirley clasps her hands and jumps up and down.
Shirley: Oh my goodness, come in, what are you guys doing here?
Lynn: I heard you were watching the finale and thought you might like some insight from a real team.
Laverne: Sure we would, here have a seat, you can tell us all of the inside dirt!
They all go over to the couch and sit down.
Alex: First of all, Rob and Amber were real bitches. We just hated them.
Lynn: Oh yes, big time. The burning kind of hate that takes over your whole body like the deep itch you get when you have fallen naked in a patch of poison ivy. The kind of hate like what Lex was feeling when he got back-stabbed by Rob in Survivor. You know the feeling I mean?
Laverne: Oh sure, I used to hate Gloria Lubitz.
Shirley: No Vernie, I think they mean a deeper hate.
Laverne: Well I didn’t hate anybody worse than I hated Gloria Lubitz.
Shirley: OK, here we go, the commercial is finally over, let’s see where they have to go first.
Laverne: Shhhhhh, here is Phil, listen.
Potter’s Field Park was the pit stop for this leg of the race. Rob and Amber who arrived at 2:47 pm, will now depart at 2:47 am, they must fly 4,600 miles to Kingston, Jamaica. After landing, they must travel over 90 miles to Port Antonio and find the beach known as Frenchman’s Cove to find their next clue.
Suddenly Laverne is lost in a fantasy, she is by Phil’s side and he is holding her hand. She can get lost in the rhythm of his voice, it is so mesmerizing…
She snaps her fingers in front of her friends face.
Laverne: Wha what?
Shirley: Wake up, there go Rob and Amber, they just got to the airport and are going to have to take Air Jamaica, but not any time soon.
Lynn: That was one of the double edged swords on the race, all the bunching points gave teams that get lost because of their own idiocy a chance to catch back up with the good racers. It never once helped us though.
Alex: It always seems like Rob and Amber had all the luck in the world working for them, that really sucked, especially when we were all on the plane and ready to go and then bam! They open up the door and there is the anorexic tag along and her devious fiancée.
Lynn: Oh my God that was such a frustrating day, ugh.
Shirley: Ron and Kelly are next to leave. They don’t seem to get along too well lately.
Laverne: I can’t stand looking at her zit covered beauty pageant face any more, this girl makes me sick, just sick. Oh great, here she goes on one of her talks with the camera…
If he doesn’t figure out the quality girl I am, then he’s the one that is missing out.
Shirley: And just what quality does she exactly want him to see? I sure haven’t seen any redeeming qualities, is she watching a different race?
Lynn: Oh don’t worry, Kelly is totally delusional.
Shirley: There goes my favorites, Uchenna and Joyce. Were they as nice in person as they seem, please tell me yes.
Alex: They were the nicest couple besides Lynn and myself of course.
Lynn: Yes, I know I will be cheering for them to win it all. In fact, I know that Rob and Amber are not going to win under any circumstances…
Alex fires a warning glance at his partner and motions for him to stop talking.
Laverne: How do you know, this is a live broadcast isn’t it?
Lynn: Oh, never mind, don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, it’s nothing.
Shirley: Finally, all three teams are on the same flight to Jamaica, now they have to drive themselves to Frenchman’s Cove.
Laverne: Jamaica, that reminds me of the song we did for the talent show at the brewery.
Shirley: Which one was that?
Laverne gets up and starts waving her arms in the air and shaking her hips to the beat as she sings quite stiffly, “But I’m sad to say, I’m on my way, won’t be back for many a day, my heart is down, my head is turning around, I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town.”
The studio audience applauds as Laverne takes her seat.
Shirley: Oh yeah, that one.
Lynn: Ooooooo, they are at a roadblock and so soon.
Alex: They have to do the limbo! Oh my gosh I would have rocked on this one, I just know it. They get 8 chances to get as low as they can, and on each lower rung is a better start time for when they can leave in the morning.
Laverne: Wait a minute, we can set up a limbo challenge right here. Shirl grab the ladder, I’ll get the broom…
Lynn: No Laverne, that is quite alright, we have to be leaving soon. We’ll just wait for the next commercial.
Laverne: Well, OK.
Shirley: Wow, look at Amber, she can really contort her body.
Lynn: Why do you think Rob is hooked up with her, it certainly isn’t for her brains. (He laughs) And look at Kelly everybody, I didn’t think she could go any lower than when she called Ron a commitment-phobe for “becoming a POW on purpose”, but she sure can get lowwwwww.
Shirley: Look at poor Joyce, she is having a hard time getting underneath that pole.
Lynn: But Amber and Kelly are pole experts.
Alex: And they know how to go down.
Laverne: The lower the better…all the way dowwwwn.
Alex, Lynn, and Laverne laugh, Shirley smacks her lips in disgust.
Shirley: That is enough you guys, honestly!
Laverne: I’m sorry Shirl, these guys are cracking me up. Amber and Kelly got the 8:15am departure and Joyce got 8:30am. That isn’t too bad.
Lynn: Here are the commercials; that is our cue, we really should be going. We need to catch a flight to meet everyone at the finish line.
Laverne: Where is the finish line this year anyway?
Lynn looks over at Alex and he nods his approval.
Lynn: Miami, things will sure get hot there too. (He laughs again)
Shirley walks the guys to the door and says goodbye while Laverne goes to the kitchen.