The Amazing Race 7 - Episode 5 Summary

'It's Just a Flesh Wound!' By J Slice

Last week on the (EMMY AWARD WINNING) Amazing Race...

• In Argentina, Joyce falls off a horse. Hard. Deanna discovers yet another thing she apparently “can’t do.” Ray’s receding hairline gets exposed when Deanna’s told to suck it up. While he sits on his ass. I’d be perfectly content to see the horse bite him, but that’s not in the cards… oh well.

• The first group of four teams celebrates making the flight from Mendoza to Buenos Aires, only to have Everyone’s Favorite Couple® board the plain at the last minute. Lynn soils his $400 underpants.

• Ray continues to show contempt and jealousy when talking about Gretchen and Meredith, the flimsiest couple the show’s ever seen. He’s obsessed with beating Larry David and his nutjob ménage-a-trois-wanting wife. Which is very sad indeed.

• Oh, and Susan and Patrick whine their way to an elimination. Guess the boat wasn’t POWERED BY TEARS! OH SNAP!

Ahem. Let the show begin!

“This is Buenos Aires, Argentina.” And that is one of the most unflattering shirts Phil has ever worn. Tsk. Vertical stripes ADD the appearance of breasts, Phil… But I digress.

Romber leaves first. ::rip rip:: oooh! Fly to Johannesburg, South Africa, (but wait! There seem to be additional instructions: and when you’re there, run through the orange concourse, spin around three times, use the restroom, maybe buy some snacks,) and then go to your marked card. These additions all appear to be dotted with hearts, and are signed, Love, Lynn. Goodness.

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While on the way to the airport, Rob acknowledges the presence of several guardian angels looking out for them. Well, Rob, I prefer to call them “people who only help you because they saw you on TV, and that’s really a bit of an unfair advantage, don’t you think?” But I won’t. No point getting into that.

The brothers (who I still cannot tell apart) are off next. They really need to get “B” and “G” t-shirts. Not to be confused with the similar ones worn by the Ambiguously Gay Duo. They pray that other people’s relationships might break down along the way. Um, guys, Ray and Deanna are WAY ahead of you.

Uchenna and Joyce are next to depart, soon followed by TEAM AMERICAN HERO!!!! Kelly says something about this being the longest time she’s ever been with Ron. She’s at the point where she can’t hold in farts much longer, and he’ll have to stop sucking in his gut at some point… Ah, the honesty of true love.

Lynn and Alex are off. “We’re here to have fun *subliminal message: kill kill kill kill Gucci kill kill* We want to win.”

Meanwhile, back the airport, Uchenna and Joyce, and Team G I ‘Ho are told that their bags must be checked. Possibly due to their size. Or the giant bowie knife that Kelly keeps in her bag in case the other pageant chicks get a little too aggressive.

Ray pops in to remind us all: “I CAN’T STAND BEING IN THE BACK!” Well, we can now slim down the list of his preferred sexual positions… actually, let’s not.

Ahh, the arrival of Larry David and Wife (aka “Meredith’s the chick, right?). Gretchen ponders how much more they can take, and I have to ask that myself. Can Meredith run? Can Gretchen live without a straight-jacket? How long must they go without a recharging ménage-a-trois? Actually, don’t tell me. For all that is holy, do not tell me.

The ever-thoughtful (and obviously not ageist) Ray keeps kicking himself for forgetting to sprinkle tacks on the road for Gretchen and Meredith… and much to his chagrin, the two doddering elderly folks just make it to the gate in time to catch the flight. HA! Now Rob’s bitching about the loss of a lead… welcome to bunching, a TAR tradition!

Now, somehow, on the flight, Ray appears to have charmed the crew into letting him sit in first class, and also allowing him to get off the plane first. I, too, am shocked at my own use of “Ray” and “charm” in the same sentence, and will now whip myself as penance. ::whip:: Ow.

…cue standard cheery African music…

And we’re here in Johannesburg! While most of the teams skitter off towards their marked cars, Uchenna and Joyce and G I ‘Ho must watch the same bag go around the baggage claim wheel six times before their backpacks finally show up.

In the marked car, Ray quickly discovers there’s a Fast Forward (there are only 2 fast forwards in the entire race. If a team completes a fast forward… brak brak brak) at… what? Cooling towers? YES! This is Deanna’s chance to push Ray into radioactive steam! Hurrah! Off they go…

Also in that envelope is this week’s detour:

Claustrophobia or REALLY EASY NECKLACE CHALLENGE!!!!

In Claustrophobia, teams have to put on miner helmets, rappel into a tiny hole, and crawl around in the WORLD’S MOST CONFINING CAVE until they somehow miraculously spot the clues, which are guarded by a race of mole people.

In The Necklace One, teams go to a tribal village that is the home for 6 tribes, and have to place the right item with the right tribe to collect stylish necklaces. Ordinarily, this might seem very hard, but THERE ARE HUGE CLUES OUTSIDE EACH TRIBAL GATE. If you can’t get this right, you’re probably Ray.

Lynn is just happy to be in a “real” city. After all, I bet it’s got a Chanel store…

And Deanna? Can’t drive stick (I’m not particularly sure why she’s the driver…). Perhaps this is why Ray is so snippy?

Romber thinks the Fast Forward would be a great idea. Of COURSE nobody else would be there first! They’re Romber! Everyone else is yielding to get out of their way…Or that’s what Rob says. Amber doesn’t say much of anything, now that I think about it.

So now everyone’s off to do things… except our friends Uchenna and Joyce, and Ron and Kelly, who are STILL at the airport.

Annnnd… fadeout to commercials.

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