Hello there, all you good folks in Reality TV World. Once again, I have to apologize for a late summary. It’s just that this has been the first halfway decent weekend in Cleveland since I can’t remember when, so that has made it really difficult to stay inside and write. Okay, with my standard apology & excuse out of the way, let’s get on with the summary.
Last week, seven teams traveled from Buenos Aires to Johannesburg, whining and sniping at each other the whole time. Jonathan, Jr. and little Victoria took a terrifying fast forward & beat Romber to the punch (Damn – sorry I missed that one!). On the underground detour, Gretchen got the facelift she has always wanted (I really don’t think you’re supposed to see that much blood). Uchenna & Joyce got emotional at an orphanage with the most adorable kids the casting director could find, which reminded them of their inability to have one of their own. (Hey if you do win, as the oddmakers are saying, maybe you can adopt six or seven of these guys and make them your very own). The Oldsters finished last. They didn’t get philiminated, but had to start the next leg with nothing but their passports and the clothes on their backs (Hmm… sending two old people out to die in a strange country with no food, water, or anything else …sounds like a great way to get yourself sued). While doing wheelies in the desert with their jeep, the Bros flipped the jeep over. The Happy Boys stopped to see if they could help, but Romber just went on by, smiling and waving and signing autographs for their fans. Jonathan Jr. & little Victoria bitched & whined at each other even more at the detour, while the Bros slipped in from behind, narrowly beating Jon & Vicki to the finish, so guess who got philiminated. At least the brothers have one accomplishment to be proud of.
This week, the six remaining teams start in Botswana, Africa. Will Ron & Kelly be able to get through the race without killing each other and several innocent bystanders in the process? Will Brian & Greg continue to be the goofy California brothers in last place or will they miraculously figure out how to stay in the race? Stay tuned if you care.
RK is the first team to depart at 5:29 a.m. The teams must go to Sankuyo Village, about 250 miles away, for their next clue which is at a water tower. Kelly is reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the love chapter, in the Bible. She wants to be loving to Ron, who has been too busy racing to think about the relationship.
Romber departs next. They’re having fun, gloves are off, playing for themselves. They have no friends and will do what they have to do to stay in (like the whole world didn’t already know that).
UJ leaves next. They have $85 (which is a hell of a lot of money when you’re both unemployed) for this leg. They are amazed to be in Africa. Uchenna’s dad is a native of Nigeria. He’s awestruck to be walking the same ground as his ancestors.
The Happy Boys depart next, heading for the water tower. They describe themselves as honest players (even though Alex was still in the closet with his family at this point) but sneaky. The question is - are they sneaky enough to stay in the game with the likes of Romber?
Now time for the Oldsters to leave. Incredibly, they have managed to beat some really tough competitors so far, and I am personally pulling for them because I’m not getting any younger myself. It’s a beautiful morning, they are glad to be alive and ready to go. Where are the markers? Thank the Lord, they’re all right.
The Bros are last, but still in. Come on big bucks, no whammys! They are sure they can take out the Oldsters. I just love the smell of fresh overconfidence in the morning! Aha, says Brian (or Greg, whichever) to his brother, I smell fresh tracks! Hey bro, check out the sunrise – we should be dating!
RK still looking for their clue. Kelly asks Ron if she has gotten on his nerves (in the same tone of voice a woman uses to ask her husband if she’s fat). Ron rolls his eyes and says no, not at all.
Romber laugh at the ostriches. Amber wants to go on safari, and say they are the two luckiest people in world. (Okay, one thing I don’t understand here – was Bruckheimer so desperate for DAWs that he had to start recruiting from other shows – and why, pray tell, did he recruit THE MOST ANNOYING DAWs IN HISTORY?)
UJ think they’re really going strong, then the Happy Boys zoom past them. After some really bad cow jokes from the Happy Boys, we see a TAR producer in a cow costume blocking the way for UJ. It never occurs to them to go around the thing. The Oldsters get to the water tower, but don’t see a clue. Duh!! They have to drive through the city first. But then they see a marker – go straight, no - go left. The Bros have apparently never seen a water tower before and remark how big it is (I guess they don’t have them in California, at least not in their town). RK go thru the mud (reminds me of my dad on his four wheeler) and they still lead.
This week’s detour is a choice between “carry it” & “milk it.” In “carry it,” you balance three items on your head for seventy yards each. You cannot use your hands. When you get all the stuff to the cooking place, you get your next clue. The balancing act can be tough and you can thoroughly embarrass yourself, but if you can do it, you can finish fast. In “milk it,” you catch a goat and milk it until you can fill up a ten-ounce cup, then you get your clue. The task appears simple, but the goats don’t really have any incentive to cooperate and once again, you can make a colossal fool of yourself.
RK want to milk, but then change their minds & decide to carry. Kelly whines, “I can’t do this” and Ron replies “Okay, let’s go milk a goat.” (Frankly, I’m surprised that Kelly couldn’t handle this one. As a former pageant contestant myself, I vividly recall spending numerous hours walking around balancing some rather heavy books on my head. I guess the pageant world just isn’t what it used to be).
Romber’s up next. They decide to milk it. The Bros find the water tower. Gee we’ve never seen anything this big – of course we will climb it just for fun, even though the clue is under the water tower. Sorry guys, wrong tower – you have to go through the city first. (Let me guess – they didn’t teach reading in your school either – right?) In the biggest understatement of the show, Brian says, “We are idiots, Greg.”
RK try to milk. Romber try to carry, drop their stuff. The villagers are rolling on the ground wetting their pants because Rahb just can’t seem to get it (why doesn’t this surprise me). He remarks “This is so hahd, stop showing off now you native people, don’t you know who we ahh?” They decide to milk, even though it’s gonna take forever. RK still trying to milk, while Ron is still bitching about Kelly being unable to balance a bucket of water on her head.
The Happy Boys are still on the road, just ahead of UJ. They love their car (would like to have one in LA). UJ see the amazing animals and Uchenna brilliantly concludes that they are definitely in Africa. The Oldsters are worried about animals jumping out in front of them. Despite lacking any intelligence at all between them, the Bros are not giving up. “We’re gonna kick some butt today.” (Careful guys, the butts you kick just might be your own). RK & Romber still trying to get the milking thing down. The villagers are totally enjoying all the activity, this is the most entertainment they have seen in a long time!