Preamble: A fair warning to everyone reading, you will be offended by something in this summary. Don't worry, it means you have a heart, which would make one of us. It is my plan to personally ridicule every, and I do mean every, contestant on this program for reasons including but not limited to lack of physical strength, lack of intelligence, and lack of judgement in choosing a fiance.
Last Week on The Amazing Race...Jims and Vols wrote a summary.
Cue the credits!
We begin with Phil's obligatory speech about the pit stop and commentary. Will the biggest DAWs ever continue to lord their popularity over everyone else to win some prize that they don't need *hint hint*? Will GI Joe and Armpiece not suck so much this week? We'll see.
The sketchbians are off first and kindly read the clue for us, informing us that they need to hop a bus to Arequipa, which is named The White City because all the citizens think they can rap but actually can't. Okay, it's really something about the buildings, but I like mine better. Once there, they have to find a shoe shine place and get their next clue. However, since it's 10pm and they have to take a bus, I think we all know this'll be a bunch point.
Tangent: And only 3 minutes in too! Way to go, Bruckheimer!
Mompom leaves next, followed by Lamber and Asshat.
Amber: Rob's the leader of our team. Granted, he's actually pretty lazy, but last time I checked, idle trumps invisible. I occasionally have to talk some sense into him, since his speech impediment accent prevents him from talking sense at all, but yeah.
Way to go, Lamber. You've just said more in the last 30 seconds than you have in the past 5 years.
At the station, the sketchbians and mompom line up for the first bus to leave. Lasshat decide to dig up more info and find a bus that leaves later but arrives earlier. That must be pretty embarassing, being outsmarted by Rob and all.
Next, the Assomatic Brothers (see below, wayyy below) and the Gaydariffics head to the station and, guess what, join the line for the slow bus, followed by Meredith and Gretchen. RayDa arrives next and powwows with Lasshat...apparently they're part of Lasshat's secret society along with the Tokens. When the latter arrives, Ray discreetly tells them "You're on a secret list...I got you covered." Now you're taking credit for Rob's work. How sad. He ends by telling them to "play dumb," which brings us to...
The Spearmint Sisters, who are wearing the weirdest green shirts I have ever seen. As they ride to the station, Heidi notes that "my hair is blowing in my mouth," which is such an easy joke I don't even feel the need to dignify it. Megan tells her to put it behind her ears. You know, like she does with her ankles. GI Ho leaves last and they all get to the station.
Are you ready? Because it's Blowout time! One of the gaydariffics finally decides to talk to a security guard and discovers Rob's deception, leading them to tell Susan, "Don't trust Rob and Amber." It took you to the 2nd episode to figure that out? God you really are dumb. The sketchbians decide to confront Rob, and some minor arguing ensues, with Rob playing the blame game to keep him off the defensive.
Tangent: Maybe Rob really isn't all that...no, that just can't be. Everyone else has to just be really really really stupid.
The end result is that everyone gets on the same bus, and the spearmints tell us how they've bonded with the assomatics. They deserve each other says this summary writer.
But wait! The drama's not over yet. Asshat tells us that he used other teams' money to bribe the bus driver to only open the front door. I'd ridicule him now but he didn't actually spend something. As much as I hate to admit it...touche, Robert.
As a result, RayDa is first to the clue, which is a Roadblock. Get ready for another Amazing Rationary moment, where we are told that a Roadblock is something that only one team member can perform, and that they will have to shine 5 pairs of shoes. Ray takes this one for his team and gets to work. Amber, Ron and Joyce are the next lucky players, along with Lynn, Megan, Brian, Susan, Debbie and Gretchen.
Tangent: You don't know how hard it was to figure out the name of the racer who was actually doing the thing for some of these teams.
Ron, having been many a shoe slave in the military, races through this task. And Joyce, in the greatest irony ever, can't get anyone to let her shine their shoes (Oh, you were thinking it too. Don't be so sensitive). Megan finishes her first shine and asks her supervisor, "Tell him how much." "5 bucks plus a taxi in the morning" "No, for a shoe shine." "Oh, 1 sol." Debbie kisses her first customer, who immediately runs off to tell all his buddies. Apparently they didn't watch last week. Brian tells the camera, "These people don't want a shoe shine, they want to be treated well." Okay Brian, I'm not gonna lie to ya...at you, not with you.
When the dust settles, the teams are given plane tickets on one of two flights to Santiago, Chile, where they have to find a feniculee fenicular station and ride to the top of a mountain to find a statue of the Virgin Mary. Leaving on the earlier flight are Joe and Armpiece, RayDa, Lasshat, Mompom, and the Gretchen and Meredith. The Spearmints, Tokens, Sketchbians, Assomatics and Gaydariffic pick up the 2nd flight. And once again, in the "so easy I'm not gonna even touch it" category...
Lynn: "We're used to pulling up the rear."
Tangent: Don't you love it when the summary writes itself?
Anywho, the first flight lands and the teams are off to the funicular! Lamber, who's wearing a shirt with a huge a on it (you know, in case she forgets) and Rob get there first and are soon joined by GI Ho in a ride up the mountain. We get some footage of RayDa, the oldies and Mompom (where Patrick lets out the most.effeninate.OMG.Ever) before we cut to the top of the mountain, where the teams find a...
Amazing Rationary: A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Just like it's been for the last 6 seasons. Anyways, shop for food or schlep 180 books to the library.
GI Ho and Lasshat do schlep.
Rob: We're gonna schlep. We're already running low on cash, so we're gonna lug the books.
Gee, maybe if you tried not bribing someone, this might not have happened, hmmmm?