Last week, people schlepped, people shopped, people wasted a lot of money, some stand in dummies got Philiminated, and Survivorerist made it interesting with his summary. Team Philibuster (PepeLePew13 and Fishercat) hopes to do the same for your, our viewing audience.
Our favorite running DAW’s:
– Team Horndog (Brian/Greg):
They are brothers, one of whom was previously on ‘Fear Factor’. Brian couldn’t hack it on that show, so he’s trying his luck on TAR. They also seem to be under the mistaken impression it's some kind of a dating reality show with their lusting after all-female teams.
Episode 1: Wore fun looking bandanas, stared at “cute little pink butts”, and started their reputation as the token, brainless DAWs that we will either forget about or learn to hate as they trudge through the race. Episode 2: Almost blew their loads the race for themselves, as they barely beat The Barbies to grab the last non-elimination spot. They schlepped much like guys do at Home Depot, and the girls shopped - girls shopping in a food market is not often a truly speedy experience.
Best friends since they were about age 6. As they will remind you endlessly, one of them speaks Spanish. Did I mention that they can speak Spanish? Sure, go ahead and write them the check for the million bucks because they can speak Spanish! The way the producers are slamming us with this Spanish thing, it’s bound to come into play … like while they are still in South America, a largely Spanish-speaking continent.
Episode 1: Caused many a man to realize what Jims so eloquently stated in the inaugural episode summary: “They’re lifetime hotties”. We don’t care which is which, they’re eye candy that spoke Spanish, finished first, pretty boring. Episode 2: Whined at Rawb for lying, did absolutely nothing notable, spoke more Spanish, finished in the middle of the pack. Still good eye candy.
– Team Happy Boys (Lynn and Alex):
They’re about as unambiguously gay as you could get, and Lynn is also announcing to his family on national television that Alex is really his boyfriend, not just a friend. Family therapy bills are on the horizon. Would also be *the* team to watch this season for their snarkiness, humor and joie de vivre if it wasn’t for the famed Survivor duo. Perhaps that explains their attitude towards Romber… how dare these two take away from the Happy Boys’ DAWness?
Episode 1: Gained many fans with quirky yet stereotypically homersexual attitude. Finished in the middle of the pack and gained the moniker “Happy boys”. Episode 2: Their minnow didn't stand up to the test, so the Soup Nazi wouldn't take it back and kicked them out of the market, while a distinct "NO FISH FOR YOU" came out of the market...
– A Boy Named Meredith and Wretched:
Retired. That’s about all you can say about these two. At least they haven’t tried to use some lame knee or imaginary ailment as an excuse for their slowness. I’m not looking forward to getting old since it seems that the older you get, the more boring you become. Except for Survivor’s Rudy. Yawn, let’s move on.
Episode 1: We meet the official token old people who, unless they are still dysfunctional (see: Ian, Teri), will be eliminated before the halfway point of the race. Seemingly have a good attitude but are positively boring at this point. Finished in the middle of the pack. Episode 2: Meredith complained about how 3 kilograms was heavy, old people ran a race, they didn't come in last. Oh, and they somehow ran out of money, which isn't exactly a common occurrence. I have an inkling that Meredith and/or Gretchen is related to the lady on the Price is Right who bid three-thousand bucks for two surfboards...twenty years ago.
– Team MiniMe Jon/Vic (Ray and Deana):
The producers seem to have realized what kind of a buzz Jonathan and Victoria created from their appearance on TAR 6, so in a lame attempt to capitalize on that buzz, they’ve come up with a MiniMe version of Jon/Victim in Ray and Deana. Hey, in Hollywood, there’s no such thing as bad press, no? Ray’s also giving off a Bolo vibe with his headband and butchering of place names.
Episode 1: An overly enthusiastic and successful businessman who seems to have an angry streak and a much younger, female teammate who got some smack talk thrown at her in the first episode. Oh, and Ray has a headband too. This seems very familiar… the only difference is that Deana was never in Playboy. Middle of the pack, don’t care at this point, brak brak brak. Episode 2: Schemed with Rob and Amber (that's a great idea!), Ray brought his ego down to Code Orange by shining shoes, and they moved books instead of spending money, although they don't get the concept of going the right way.
– Team Romber (Rob and Amber):
Episode 1: We affirm that we get to see a guy with a strong Boston accent and his much more wealthy girlfriend/fiancée for more weeks of See-BS reality television! OK, we knew from the commercials, but that’s beside the point. Everyone there hates them while Romber skirts their way to a third place finish while Patrick puts a voodoo hex on them. Episode 2: Really, I could describe the very impressive week Romber had, but I think the real noteworthy news was that poor Survivorerist had to give Rob credit for said endeavors. Poor dear.
– Team GI Ho (Ron and Kelly):
Ron is a former Iraqi prisoner-of-war and TAR will be a relative breeze for him by comparison as nothing can compare to the harsh realities of war at the hands of the enemy. Kelly is also a former prisoner-of-war, having survived the equally brutal world of beauty pageants with all the hair-pulling, cat fighting and clawing going on.
Episode 1: Similarly to Romber, we found out about these people on the never-ending TAR commercials on CBS. Possibly the most boring team featured in a commercial in a pretty long time. They were strugg-gg-ling to keep afloat in the race until they barely slipped into a second-to-last-place finish on the first leg. Episode 2: Kelly decided to go Hayden with the top this week and they soared to second place. In spite of being next to Rob and Amber, Ron/Kelly couldn't figure out how to stack 180 books on their schlep, although that boy sure does shine well.
– Team Brady (Susan and Patrick):
First mom-and-son team ever on TAR, and Patrick’s got a serious hard-on for Rob. He’s starting to make Mary Adam look like a macho dude by comparison.
Episode 1: Patrick whined about Romber, and the mother had no impact, and their whining got them second place and lost them 20,000 dollars. I hope they had fun worrying about the third place team. Episode 2: As Kimmah's hate for them rose higher and higher, they finished pretty far in the back while they inexplicably ran out of the correct form of money...twice...in the same country.
– Team Inconceivable (Uchenna and Joyce):
Let’s face it, if we put in a pic of Chip/Kim and told you that was Uchenna/Joyce, 90% of the country wouldn’t know the difference. So we thought we’d honor their former bosses at Enron and WorldCom with a pic of Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers. They’re known as Team Inconceivable because they’re on the show to win money so they could try to have a baby through in-vitro fertilization and it’s also pretty inconceivable a husband and wife could work for two different companies that both went belly up in scandal.
Episode 1: They raced, I guess. I didn’t really notice them, they seem to be the token “black couple” that we have seen quite a few times before on the race. On the unique side, Uchenna joins Bianca as the only two names that are not in Microsoft Word’s spell check. Episode 2: Joyce didn't seem to get the concept of selling your product. 4th place, didn't really make any sort of impact, much like last week. There's a shock, the token black team flying under the radar.
Enough with these losers and on to the show.
We’re in Santiago, Chile. Romber is the first to leave the pit stop at 12:34 am, and the clue tells them to go to Puente Viejo in Argentina by driving themselves 150 miles to the Andes.
GI Ho leaves next at 1:24 am. Ron says “Not sure if I want to marry Kelly. She’s too rushed, not just with marriage and children.” Shouldn’t you be telling that to Kelly instead to the camera? No wonder your relationship might be having some problems!
As the next few teams depart, they unload their frustrations. Deana lights into Ray over his communication skills and Ray says he’s tired of carrying her. Ray, it’s only been two episodes, wait until you get to Africa or the Far East. Ray reads the clue: “Drive yourselves to the Adidas Mountains.” Uchenna and Joyce talk about their failed pregnancies. Lynn and Alex brak brak brak they hate Romber with a burning passion but they’d probably like to do Rob. Cue the broken record for both the Inconcievables and the Happy Boys. Debbianca talk about their relationship. Gretchen gets kinky with Meredith by saying “I make it up to him in other areas.” Just what we need, granny porn.
The brothers start out in last place. "Starting in last place … in The Amazing Race ... six-foot-three … six-foot-four … The Smith Brothers! Look at us, we’re so tough that we barely beat out the pink-butted Barbies!"
Bunching. The teams have to wait at a car park until 5:00 am. Debbianca goes into a hotel to get some information and a map (which, as we’ll soon see, is an exercise in futility) and Rob and Amber bribes the driver to let them take the girls’ taxi. “That’ll teach them to accuse somebody of lying!” Uh Rob? Pot. Kettle. Black. Somewhere in California, Lex of Survivor fame is rolling his eyes, and somewhere on another planet, Omarosa is also rolling her eyes.
The car park finally opens and the teams rushes off to grab a car. The teams have to look for an exit called Los Andes that will lead them towards Argentina. The Robfather taps his nose in a Mafioso manner towards a cop, so the officer provides them with a police escort to Al Norte/Los Andes. Debbianca gets hopelessly lost. Upon reaching the Andes, the teams zig zag up the mountains. Gretchen freaks out over climbing the mountains.
Gretchen: "Easy, Meredith, I'm getting sick. And this is real bumpy. Take your time." Meredith: "I gotta watch the roads." Gretchen: "And contend with me." Meredith: "And contend with you on a full-time basis."
Meanwhile, back in Santiago, Susan and Patrick are lost, wandering around for an hour and 40 mins. Guys, a little more focus on the roads instead of fulfilling your hard-on fantasies with Romber, perhaps?
Cue the commercials, which will be brought to you by Landru next week. Besides I don’t think most of you guys really care about Canadian commercials brakking about Tim Horton’s coffee contest rollups, do you?
Back to the show, where Susan and Patrick are hopelessly lost, which is not a big shock by any stretch of the imagination. However, I find out that March Madness starts Thursday, where hopefully my bracket will not be as frustrating to me as this team is. S/P eventually find their way out of Santiago after two hours, which I have to say is pretty impressive considering they couldn't find their way to a money exchanger last episode, but I digress. Meanwhile, Debbie and Bianca are still going the wrong way while calling certain locals stupid about directions. There’s the same old pot-kettle again. Then our lovely TAR editors cut to teams that will actually have an impact near the end of the race, as many of our other DAWs gawk at this newfangled "mountain range", the And-ee-ahs, and comment on the natural beauty while the camera men focus on some random dirt hills instead of the mountain landscape. Kelly believes this pile of dirt and snow constitutes heaven, representing her contingent of beauty queens very well.
Finally, something happens after the commercial break as Rob and Amber arrive at the most useless TAR innovation ever, the yield at Puente Viejo. Instead of keeping the tension by telling you one by one whether a team uses one of the three yields in the entire race, I'll just say they don't and such an occurrence shall not be mentioned again in this summary with the exception of this paragraph. One other note, thanks to our Amazing editors, Alex and Lynn grabbed one yield marker and two of them disappeared.
RA then get to their Detour, which is a choice between two tasks, usually each with their own pros and cons, but not always with pros and cons.
Wet Pants (brought to you by Depends): In this detour, five people (including two of our DAWs, supposedly running a race together without the help of others on their travels) row down the river in a raft, using the current to help propel them with three professional rowers for seven miles.
Sweat (brought to you by Arm & Hammer deodorant): In this detour, teams (for some inane reason) decide to ride a rocky and sandy path on a bike for the same distance as the Wet Pants detour.
Rob and Amber (and then Alex and Lynn) choose to go down the river, following one of the crappiest looking signs in history. Does the Amazing Race need an artist to make props and designs for them? Granted, I was so bad at art (how bad was I?) that the teacher made me write reports instead of doing projects, and I could make a better sign than that piece of crap. Of course, what could I expect in a third world country where the people keep breeding?
Instead of showing the viewers a race down the river, which would make perfect sense, we get to see old people driving on a curvy road with young men complaining about the old people driving slow. Either Brian or Greg (who cares?) says they are going 8 kilometers per hour, which seems a bit fast for good ole Meredith. Brian and Greg pass them, yet they arrive at the bridge at the same time.
Meredith and Gretchen decide to paddle as most teams would. Brian and Greg display their superior mental prowess by deciding to bike, using "grande size" bikes.
Finally, they decide that Romber and the Happy Boys have waited long enough on television and they show them feverishly racing down a river. Amber tires out (guess that answers any questions about how long Rob lasts in the bedroom?) but she says they’ve got to keep rowing so she can fit into her wedding dress. The Fab Five pass their boat, and Lynn and Alex celebrate their victory (by mere seconds). I am starting to become concerned that Patrick has inhabited the minds of the Happy Boys. Both teams find out they are going to the land of Yankee and Red Sox long relievers in Mendoza, having to drive 70 miles to a barbeque at Camp Suizo.
The Happy Boys are so proud of taking on the boy from Boston and the girl from the island. I suppose they mean the Survivor Island, but if they are going to claim Rob is from Boston (who actually lives in Canton, Massachusetts); they can realize that Pennsylvania is not an island. Still, cannot blame them too much since there is nothing outside of California.
As Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and Ray and Deana arrive at the clue box, Debbie and Bianca discover that they may be going the wrong way when they see the ocean instead of the mountains. Debbie says, “We are retarded with directions, so bad…” Is that the only thing you’re bad at?
Debbianca’s Spanish skills really come into force here as they discover they’ve taken over 2 hours to drive a five-minute distance. They hope someone will get a flat tire to help them out. Cut to Brian and Greg pulling up with a flat tire and no that isn’t code for something, although you can never be sure with these two. Interestingly enough, when Brian got his flat tire, he was wearing a jacket with the Trailblazer’s logo on it. Quite the symbolism there, as the Blazers fall flat very often as well. The props department is likely getting a nice little bonus from the producers for this surreptitious timing. Brian/Greg have a vantage point to watch Ron/Kelly and Meredith/Gretchen row right by them and complete the course to get their next clue. The brothers end up carrying their bikes to the end. Soon afterwards, Uchenna and Joyce arrive. In a flashback to Kim of Chip/Kim fame, Joyce complains she’s lost most of her nails.
Lynn and Alex arrive at the roadblock where a traditional Argentinean feast awaits them. They must eat 4 pounds of rejected Fear Factor food items (too tame for them) in order to get their next clue. Romber is next to arrive and Rob starts to eat. This is what Rob thinks of the food…
Susan and Patrick complete the raft course. Debbianca finally arrives at the detour clue box and decides to go rafting, even though Debbie is having flashbacks to nearly dying from a rafting accident not too long ago. Alex and Rob continue to chow down their food. Ron/Kelly, the brothers, Meredith/Gretchen and Uchenna/Joyce all arrive at the roadblock and start eating. Alex barfs on Uchenna’s shoe.
Rob asks Amber “what happens if I can’t finish?” “We get a penalty.” Rob decides to go for the penalty just as Ray/Deana arrives, and almost as soon as Deana starts eating, Rob starts working on Ray to get them to back out of the roadblock. After only five minutes, Ray re-reads his TAR contract where it says he’s supposed to be Rob’s personal bitch and whipping boy, so he tells Deana to quit eating. Ron brings up his POW experience saying this roadblock is worse than his time in Iraq when he lost 25 pounds. Meredith considers quitting the roadblock as well.
The commercials end and Meredith jumps on the quit boat with Rob and Deana. On cue, Rob puts in a call to his alleged “friend”, Jeff Probst, and arranges to borrow the Quit Boat for this episode – it should be a real party with Ashlee, Jeff Wilson and Kim already on the boat.
Uchenna, following Chip and the ostrich egg and Gus with the soup, becomes another token black male who completely owns any challenge involving eating. However, I would be expecting Alex to do better in a challenge involving the eating of a lot of meat, which evidently says a lot about Lynn. Uchenna finishes and gets the envelope, which tells the contestants that the pit stop is Estancia San Isidro, which apparently is an Argentinean phrase meaning “Quit Ranch.” Alex soon finishes and they are off to the pit stop. Since those crazy Argentineans are third-world citizens who are deceitful and racists, they misled Uchenna and Joyce. Alex and Lynn arrive first and demonstrate their ability to gloat over Romber and how to row a boat. Phil decides that they are so happy, that he pulls a Trumptastic decision and decides that winning the leg is its own reward, so Phil and his Manboobs can take a trip for three to the Bahamas.
The producers finally catch up to Susan and Patrick's car and they show their fiscal responsibility and support for the Argentinean economy by buying food on the road prior to the roadblock, where Ron and (insert whatever California male you want here) finish their meat. Susan and Patrick arrive and M/G and R/D's four-hour "penalty" timer starts. Somehow, they were a good one hour and twenty minutes behind the team that arrived prior to them, and they are not last place. They cut to the last place team who are (finally) off the river and going to deal with an excess of meat, not exactly a new experience for them either.
The flat tire gang and GI Ho arrive third and fourth respectively to little fanfare. Patrick then joins a quasi-quit boat by simply stopping in the middle of the challenge. Something just looks funny about an adult snapping at his mother while wearing a fanny pack. In addition, one of Brian and Greg's never ending supply of headbands (made by the same company, as Hayden's never ending supply of nonexistent bras).
With twenty minutes to go on Romber's penalty, Patrick is still wussing out and Debbianca still has not arrived. Debbie and Bianca arrive and Rob says she'll eat her share of meat; she has guts since she got in his face. Of course, Lex challenged him too, and we saw how he ended up. Romber then leaves, cruises into a 5th place finish, and proceeds to brag about being able to scheme on the Amazing Race, maybe into another second place finish.
Now, the not-so-immortal showdown of two of the more incompetent competitors in the race, Debbie and Mary-Patrick (OK, he's not quite at the level of Mary Adam in incompetence, but he's far more annoying). Patrick then throws up, ensuring that NBC will soon be suing CBS for stealing Fear Factor's throw-up bit.
RD and MG leave, no one cares. RD and MG come in 6th and 7th. No one cares. Their personalities are still in the closet. No one cares.
Patrick finishes, and the TAR producers get desperate trying to make this an exciting finish, although Susan and Patrick leave when the sky is a dark-blue while Debbianca leave in the pitch black dark. Running scene, the suspense is building; the Brady Bunch avoids being Philiminated while Debbie and Bianca arrive to a cardboard cutout of Phil since the final five teams are now racing in Iraq, where Ron has been captured again as part of a roadblock. Debbie and Bianca are sad that they lost because they really wanted an all-female team to win, conveniently ignoring Susan and Patrick.
Next Week: Rob and Amber take a risk Joyce and Deana lose to a horse in a battle of wits (or riding them, or something) Landru makes the episode far more interesting than it really will be.