It was only about 90 seconds ago, and dammit, you oughta know what happened previously. There was a lot of whining and moaning and sniping and Rawb-hatin and one minor skull fracture.
If you didn’t watch, thank yourself. Now go read the summary by the fabulous JSlice. We’ll wait here. (Not really.)
In case you have amnesia, we’re in Soweto, South Africa, a town so bereft of landmarks that the pit stop was at the end of a dead end street. According to Phil, Nelson Mandela once lived in this housing development. I seem to recall an earlier version of this show where they visited Mandela’s actual prison cell. What happened? Now the best we can do is the empty lot next to a 3BR, 2.5 bath split level with FP and EIK on 1/4 acre in the prestigious Apartheid Ridge section of town? Can these pit stops get any worse? I mean, why not have them just stop in the middle of nowhere and sleep on army cots, ya cheap bastids!
Back to the summary. Again, if you have amnesia, (can I milk the amnesia?) Megadeth & Gravelface, those doddering but lovable old bats, were the last to arrive. The got lost in a cave, she cracked her skull, and gallons of blood were spilled. Miraculously, they were saved by the dreaded non-elimination leg, which I’m sure JSlice enjoyed immensely. These Ancient Mariners are still in the race, but have been seriously penalized. Phil stripped them of all their cash, all their belongings, all their clothes, an underwire bra (Phil’s size), Gravelface’s cranial shunt, Megadeth’s titanium hip joint, two sets of teeth, one pacemaker and a 12-pack of Viagra.
As a mixed blessing, they can continue the race without the benefit of lugging those 260-pound backpacks that have been grinding them into the pavement. They get to keep their passports, but not the defibrillator.
If you recall, TeamTyrant, Rage and Demeana, were the first to arrive, and won possibly the most valuable prize in TAR history, a pair of Toyota RAV4s. Of course, they only need one, since Rage is incapable of driving, unless he can do it from the back seat. So that extra car is available on eBay at this very moment. Tell them Estee sent you.
To get things started, Rage and Demeana are leaving the Pit Stop at 10:41 p.m. They must drive 30 miles to the Rhino and Lion Nature Reserve, where they will get to feed the lions ... when the place opens ... in nine hours.
There will be two shuttles into the reserve; an 8 a.m. ride for the first three groups to arrive, and a 9 a.m. ride for the “sucking teams.” As TeamTyrant leaves the mat, Rage revels in their first place status, and brags that they don’t intend to give it up. For those keeping score on the Hubris-ometer, that’s 5 minutes and 38 seconds into the episode. You can cut to the end right now, where Rage and Demeana are eliminated. But if you do, you’ll miss a command performance by The Diva Miss Florence NightLynnGale.
In case you thought this On-and-Off Dating Couple might actually begin to function as a team, Rage quickly reminds us why Demeana is sporting multiple contusions. “Demeana has a hard time handling stress,” says stressfactory Rage. “She needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents where I need them.”
I’m hoping Demeana’s talents include the Steel-Toed Kick Of Excruciating Pain, because Rage needs some serious ass-urting.
America’s Stupidest Soldier (ASS) and his Haggard Arm Trophy (HAT) are the next team to leave, departing at 12:39. They proclaim to the world that they are in better physical shape than all the other teams, based solely upon ASS’s ability to crash a helicopter and HAT’s ability to walk in heels while waving. While they drive to the nature preserve, they witness some lightning in the distance, which ASS compares to the bombing of downtown Baghdad. It’s this kind of military intelligence that has made the war such a quick success.
(Along the way, teams pass the ‘Cradle of Humankind.’ I imagine R. Kelly is there, scouting for dates that might enjoy a good stream of urine.)
Next to depart are the brothers, who confess that they are so close I almost feel compelled to call them TeamBreg. Also, I can’t really tell them apart except that one has nauseating plaid shorts.
ProbablyBrian reads out the clue: “Make your way home and give Mom a great big hug, and then eat all her chicken enchiladas until you enter a food coma.” Oh, such humor. As they drive off, ProbablyBrian hits a curb and says, “Man, am I suckin’ at driving.” Take notes. That’s an 8.6 on the Foreshadow Scale.
LorettaLynn and Phallix depart at 1:24. With elaborate hand gestures, Lynnette tells us that they are people first, racers second, and sanctimonious prigs at all times. He does not explain the purple doo-rag nor the Amsterdam T-shirt on Phallix. The only accessory missing is the collar and leash.
Because he is a clueless drama queen fvckwit, Lynnsy says half the prize is being here. Given their skills, that’s about the best they can expect.
At 1:33 a.m. Rawb and Ambuh depart. Ambuh says she thinks the other teams don’t really like them, and it’s not going to get better as the race goes on. Rawb says they’re not gonna be getting Christmas cahds from these people.
Of course, it would help if he could remember who they are. He reminds us that Megadeth and what’s-his-name will get no money. (Rawb: His name is Gravelface.)
ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg arrive at the cathouse and sign up for the last spot on the first shuttle. eveLynn and Phallix arrive next... and they get the first spot on the second shuttle. Lynnda says: “We’re with all the sucking people.”
Yes, he said “The Sucking People.”
HugeHenna and Choice cast off at 2:20 a.m. Choice says that their marriage was rocky at the beginning of the race, but now things look hopeful and things are going the right way. Can’t say the same for HugeHenna’s driving, because TeamInVitro proceeds off in the wrong direction.
Finally, Megadeth and Gravelface leave at 3:51. Despite Phil’s insistence that they complete the race in yesterday’s blood-soaked clothes, and Megadeth’s claiming they are supposed to go bare naked, they are, thankfully, completely attired in fresh duds. And I must say, Megadeth’s bright white shirt matches nicely with the huge Band-Aid holding Gravelface’s skull together.
They get no money, but they do have plastic shopping bags to hold their passports. We get a close up of Gravelface’s abrasions, and she says it feels like someone took sandpaper and scraped her face, but she’s alive and happy to be alive.
Rawb & Ambuh arrive at the preserve, and Rawb jokes about erasing Lynndsay & Phallix from the board. Eventually, Megadeth and Gravelface arrive, followed by TeamInVitro, which managed to get lost in Africa while that marriage was going the right way.
Before the preserve opens, the old folks go around to the other teams begging for cash. They collect money from the Birdcage Boys, TeamInVitro, ASSHAT, and Breg. Rawb avoids them, and says he won’t give them any money, claiming the old folks are the biggest con artists there. Rage refuses Megadeth’s request, saying he might give them something later in the leg. Then, in an appalling moment of hubris, he tells the camera that he wants them eliminated. “Megadeth and Gravelface to me are sacrificial lambs, I want to see them be eliminated and I don’t want to help prolong this agony for them any longer. I’m just thinking of them.”
(Did you like watching that clip on The Early Show?)
Strategy tangent: Assisting a weak team is not always a bad idea. If the weak team survives, one of your stronger opponents will be eliminated. Just make sure it’s not you. I’m surprised Rawb missed this, since The Alliance of The Weak is such a staple of Survivor.