Previously on Survivor Sixteen average Americans travel to China to make fools of themselves. And to raise more illegal money for Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Several of them are clearly not prepared when Jeff tells them that they are going to have to leave their material possessions behind. So now we are going to be subjected to people in their ruined dress clothes and underwear for the next couple of weeks. Yay.
After the first immunity challenge, some old fart with the nickname “Chicken” got voted off of the Zhan Hu tribe. Serves him right for having a nickname like “Chicken”. Let that be a lesson for all of you with nicknames like “Chicken”, “Kitten”, “Sissy” and “Marty” - you have absolutely no chance of winning a contest like Survivor because you have a stupid nickname. For a complete narrative of last week’s festivities, go here.
Day 4 We go to the camp of the losers, known as Zhan Hu. Dave, the “former model” and self-appointed captain of the losers, starts directing people and lecturing them on the importance of fire placement in a rained-out camp. This is known as foreshadowing for all of you dramatically-impaired peeps. He warns them that if they don’t follow his directions, he will put a hex on them.
The young Asian woman PG acts like she has something to say, but she doesn’t really. Her best quote for the night: “Most important is knowing what the ’what’ is.” I’m bored with her already.
At the Fei Long camp, James the gravedigger is pushing trees over just because he can.
For equal time of eye-candy, we’ll offer Sherea.
Everyone is looking pretty industrious, except for Jean-Robert. We get several shots of him snoring. Then we have Courtney, the albino version of Janu, imitating him. This is the best CBS has to offer us? Snoring and imitation of snoring? Couldn’t we have filled those precious few seconds with more shots of James? Hey, at least I know what the people like.
Todd and Amanda decide to form an alliance because Amanda thinks Todd is sneaky smart. Jean-Robert gave a similar appraisal last week. You don’t suppose Todd has been walking around saying, “I’m sneaky smart” do you? How else would everyone have figured him out so quickly, I ask you. You know that when a person gets pegged this way so early in the game, they ain’t going very far without help. That’s right, I used “ain’t”. Sue me. Amanda and Todd get Aaron to join them in their alliance with promises of warm beds and gentle sighs.
Aaron gathers the tribe together and begins talking about what they have to do. Jean-Robert says they should just rest. Aaron looks at him, dumfounded for a moment, before bitch-slapping JR repeatedly. I love bitch-slaps.
"You're going down, fatso!"
When confronted about his sleeping habits, JR says that he is just conserving energy. In a confessional, he says that he is using a trick that he uses in “professional poker”. That is, make your opponents think you’re an idiot right up until the time you prove them right.
"My plan is to make you all want to vote me out of here. How's it working so far?"
Back at Zhan Hu, Dave’s big plan is to build The Firepit of Everlasting Heat. This reminds me of a story from one of those Dragonlance novels where this dwarf has to build a forge from scratch. If anybody can tell me the name of that dwarf, I will give you $20 in spare change. Or not. Everybody else is passing out from hunger, but Dave says they can’t even start a little fire any where else in camp because it would humiliate his firepit. The Firepit of Everlasting Heat has a fragile ego. Dave starts getting on peoples’ nerves, especially Ashlie. Ashlie is the “Professional Wrestler” with the obnoxiously fake boobs. I say they’re obnoxious because they are just_not_right. They stick straight out without any visible means of support.
Reward Competition Jiffy greets the two tribes above a mud-pit. He tells them that he’s going to lower pairs of gigantic balls into the mud and each team has to move one of the balls across the finish line on the other side of the pit. The opposing teams may stop each other from moving the balls around. This is going to be fun! “Would you like to know what you’re playing for?” Just once, I would like for someone to say, “No, why don’t you take your prize and shove it?”
”Who wants to play with my balls in the mud?”
Todd sits for Fei Long because he’s a lightweight pansy. In the first match-up, we have Aaron, Amanda and Denise the mullet against Sherea, Eric and Jaime. At one point, Aaron pushes down both Sherea and Jaime. Sherea rips Amanda’s top off. These people go at it hardcore.
Will someone please tell me just what the hell is going on in this picture? Because I know what I think I am seeing, but that just can’t be right.
Finally, Amanda pulls her team’s ball across the line.
Then Jean-Robert, James and Leslie go against Frosti, Ashlie and Dave. Jean-Robert pushes a ball with Ashlie hanging off of him. After she pulls his pants down, he slams her face into the water. God help me, I thought that was pretty damned funny.
Best reality television takedown ever!
Meanwhile, little ol’ religious talk show host Leslie keeps big fire-startin’ Dave out of the contest all by herself. Dave is a serious noodle. He needs to go or his team will keep losing. Frosti makes James work for it, but James eventually pulls his team’s second ball across the line. That’s two out of three already and Fei Long wins the reward, which is fishing gear and a feeding tube for Courtney.
The “twist” is that the winning team has to kidnap one of the members of the other tribe to live with them until the immunity challenge. They choose Jaime, because Aaron thought she had said “I love you” to him before they started the challenge. (I will never, ever get tired of ripping on Billy for that one.) As an added bonus for Jaime, she gets a scroll that she is supposed to read when she is alone. It’s probably a love note from Mark Burnett revealing his preference for hot candle wax and fish hooks. Burnett is a naughty, naughty man. Just look at who keeps getting cast for these shows and you will have to agree with me.
“I don’t know how limber Mark thinks I am, but I’ll do my best because I’m a Desperate Attention Whore.”
Anyway, Zhan Hu gets back to their camp to discover that a flood has not harmed Dave’s Firepit of Eternal Heat because he is so good at making firepits. This instantly makes him King Hotshot Toldyouso Boss of the World. Although he is so weak that he can totally get his ass kicked by a middle-aged woman whose only exercise involves lifting her sins up to God, his stock in the tribe just went up a bit. It always amazes me when tribe loyalty has more to do with what a person does around the camp then how they perform in challenges. They were starving while he was screwing around with his precious firepit, but since it still has heat they want to keep him around. Those people deserve to lose.
Back with Fei Long, Jaime reads her secret scroll. It tells her to give the sealed, attached clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to someone on her host tribe. Showing that she has an ounce of brains, she waits to find out who one of the weaker tribe members is. Aaron and Jean-Robert display their absolute lack of strategy by openly bickering in front of Jaime. Even Courtney understands that this is a dumb thing to do.
Back with the loser camp, Dave and Ashlie are arguing again. Who cares? I mean really, let’s get some actual insight into these people instead of additional scenes that tell us something we already know. For instance, what is going on in Frosti’s head? He competed well against the heavily-muscled James but I don’t think I’ve heard from Frosti once after the opening of the previous show. Let’s get some new material here, Burnett!
Over to Fei Long again, where Jaime eventually decides to give the clue for the hidden immunity idol to Leslie. Leslie thinks this is a gift from God.
"God bless You, God."
God really likes reality shows this year. Or at least He is being called on a lot. For instance, Leslie decides that it is not enough that the camera man is already zooming in on the location of the HII while she’s standing there. She still ain’t gonna find that clue unless God reveals himself to her and sticks her nose right up against it. Which would be kind of fun to watch. But instead of waiting on God to reveal it to her like a good Christian would, she enlists Todd to help her find it. The fact that everyone wants to have an alliance with Todd is making him look really good for a spot in the Final Three now. Leslie has been wanting to make an alliance with him and she thinks this is her chance to get him to trust her. Todd thinks she is an idiot for telling him about the HII. Since Leslie has not been feeling well, Todd is hoping she will be booted before she tells anyone else about the idol. He thinks this will make him the only person to know about it. Umm, hello? Where do you think that clue came from, Todd? That’s right – Jaime. Someone on the other tribe knows that you guys may have a HII, dumbass.
Immunity Challenge The immunity challenge consists of using long wooden puzzle poles to smash through two doors and then maneuvering the carved poles along a table with a tiny post on it and, finally, banging a gong. Very random stuff.
Fei Long sits Courtney and Leslie. Zhang Hu sits Jaime.
With James and Jean-Robert at the front of their pole, they get through the doors pretty easily. Dave peters out on the Zhan Hu pole, probably worn out after building the stupid firepit. Frosti - you remember Frosti, don’t you? The Asian guy we know almost nothing about because we had to see five more minutes of Ashlie and Dave arguing? Such little airtime early on usually portends a long run for the player meaning we’ll see Frosti on the jury if not in the Final Three – anyway, Frosti switches places with Dave at the tip of the pole. Doesn’t matter. Fei Long is too far ahead and they solve the puzzle and then hit the gong with such aggression that James goes flying off into the jungle.
Back at camp, Ashlie realizes that it will be either her or Dave getting voted out. Since Dave has actually been productive around the camp, it will probably be her.
Tribal Council Jiffy steers the conversation to the friction between Dave and Ashlie. They both have their say. Blah blah blah…you suck…blah blah blah…you’re the Devil. Whatever. Jaime and Sherea take jabs at Dave, but then they vote for Ashlie, anyway. Ashlie is the only one who votes for Dave. Best line of the night - “I’m voting for Derek Zoolander… I mean Dave.” She tells him that he will be gone soon, too. Not if he maintains the Firepit of Eternal Heat, you won’t.
Next Week More pushing and shoving. Hopefully somebody dies. The End.