Could it really be happening? For those of you who have been longing for Survivor to finally cast a cross-section of America, for those of who have been waiting for Mark Burnett to lower his metal claw into Everytown, USA, and lift out a true cohort of Americans, for those of you who have been waiting for the fat, the old, the smart, the out-of-shape, the blue and white collars who don't want to be celebrities but who merely want to test their wits against equally-esteemed competitors; for those of you who gathered the fam around the TV last Thursday night with the popcorn and pepsi, and crossed your fingers and your hands and your hind legs and hoped and prayed (if that's your thing) that this was going to be it, that this would be the season...
You're out of luck.
Fake oobies. High heels. Hooker boots.
Welcome to the kazillionteenth edition of America's Next Top Model Survivor. Lights! Camera! Paxil!
Segment One: "Um, Newsflash - The Great Wall of China is not the Chinese Equivalent of America's Wall Street."
Here they come to start their adventure in the gnarly, wild no-man's land of the Far East, where they will experience mankind's most primal existence, having to make fire, hunt, storm, norm, conform and if the gods (if that's your thing) are kind, one of them will end up with a million bucks at best and a showmance at worst. Here they come, in their business suits and shined shoes, good jewellery and body glitter, panty hose and spikes, ready to chop wood, gather food, and participate in grueling challenges.
That's right, the producers are paying people to be stupid. That has to be it.
If you haven't met the contestants pre-show, KObrienfan has done an excellent introduction in the first State of the Spoiling of Survivor China. But beware -- if you go there, you'll see some spoilers. That's KOBrienfan's job, to spoil the show. My job is to spoil reputations. So, I'll do another brief introduction of each Survivor as we go along for those of you who do not want to look at the spoilish stuff. But beware again -- I'm not good with names, so there might be some different monikers. And I can be a bit of a b!tch, especially given that I ran out of catnip a few days ago and my dealer hasn't been seen for while except for the pictures that are posted on the neighbourhood mailboxes and the windows at the corner store. Not usually a good sign.
*sharpens claws* OK, here we go.
The specimens are entering evil Mark Burnett's laboratory. Jiffy, the mad scientist's dorky assistant with the loopy grin and the same damn shirt for seven years, tells them they will take part in a ceremony that has nothing to do with religion. This chick:
whose name escapes me, so I'll call her "White Jameka," looks worried. She is a Christian radio host who has a relationship with God but she isn't at all religious. Gwen Stefani and Heidi Strobel from Survivor Amazon had a baby and it turned out like this:
It doesn't like the ceremony. I think it's mad that it's in China and not on a tropical beach with, like, sand and palm trees and stuff, because it's from New York and New Yorkers aren't like real people who would appreciate and respect the customs and culture of another country and the opportunity to explore the raw, untouched (except for Burnett's bulldozers) land. The Spawn's name is Courtney, but it probably wants to be called New York Courtney a la Boston Rob.
New York Courtney (NYC) decides to blow off the whole ceremony thing and thumb-wrestle a monk. Meanwhile, White Jameka is conflicted. That damn Jiffy lied and said she wouldn't be worshipping but holy crap there sure are a lot of false idols around this place, and the Americans are on their knees and clasping their hands as if in prayer, and...that does it! White Jameka can't take it anymore and leaves the non-worshipping ceremony where people are kneeling down in front of Buddha with hands-clasped together but not worshipping. Evil Mark and his aw-shucks assistant Jiffy are ecstatic. "I smell controversy," giggles Burnett! "Friday morning water cooler controversy! Woo-hoo! CUT!"
Evil Mark's likeable assistant Jiffy announces that we aren't going on a field trip to Wall Street after all, folks. We're going into the deep woods, and you're wearing what you're wearing. These tards all scream out in shock, because who ever heard of such a thing?! OMG, this is totally the big "twist" this season! This one named Jaime:
is not wearing a bra, and that's about all we're going to learn about Jaime this episode. The happy little Jiffy quips that this could make her very popular or a hindrance during challenges. Of course we all know that he means that she'll be all bouncy-bouncy and won't be able to perform, but Jaime is thinking that she'll be too distracting to the men on her tribe, just like any good little token reality show bimbo.
So now the dorkuseseses have to split up into teams and get their buffs. Their names are Fei Long, which means "Flying Dragon," and Zhan Hu, which means "Fighting Tigers" but may as well be Crouching Tigers. We'll see why later. This year's Misty is Amanda:
Amanda is on Fei Long and is happy to be on a tribe with strong muscley dudes because everyone knows that the tribe with strong guys always wins. (Survivor Vanuatu? What Survivor Vanuatu?)
The strong muscley dudes of which she speaks are:
*pauses to stare in awe at James*
Jiffy has a feeling that this group tilts the stupid scale a bit too far, so he hands them a cheat sheet -- "The Art of War" -- which these morons probably think is a list of instructions for applying warpaint in advance of challenges. He also gives them each a map. Fei Long turns right to start their adventure, and Zhan Hu, which is pronounced "John Who?," which is so obviously a total slam against that arrogant John from Survivor Marquesas, turns left. Left, right? Right. Right? No, left. And we're off to a great start! *rolls eyes*
Segment 2: "An Introduction to Camp Life" or "Where the He11 Am I Supposed to Plug In My Hair Dryer?"
is cute as a button and he is leading the charge for Fei Long, coaching them on how to paddle their canoe. Like any cute young jock, Aaron speaks fluent Date Rape. "Okay, just relaaaaaax, stay nice and calm and we'll just ease this baby along here..."
Fei Long arrives at their camp and they find rice but no flint. They also inadvertently give themselves the Survivor Kiss of Death by exclaiming "We're a great team!" The skies are stormy and White Jameka, who isn't religious, mumbles something about God, while NYC's eyes roll down the embankment and *plop* *plop* into the water.
Let's get to know the others on Fei Long, besides NYC, White Jameka, Token Bimbo and Date Rape.
introduces himself as a flight attendant, but we know better. He is actually a gay Mormon flight attendant. NYC just can't believe it. People in New York have never heard of a male flight attendant, let alone a gay Mormon one. She is in complete disbelief. Also in disbelief is this most interesting specimen:
This is Jean-Robert. I hope you all realize I did you a favour here and posted the photo that I stole from KOBrienFan's SOTS instead of a screen cap of a shirtless Jean-Robert in his wet sagging jeans and sagging everything. If Survivor is NYC's own personal he11, we can only hope that it is Jean-Robert's own personal Jenny Craig.
Jean-Robert takes a walk with Todd and accuses Todd of being cunning and smart and brilliant and a big, fat liar. He does this because he is a professional poker player and he's good at reading people. Unfortunately, he didn't get past grade two where they teach you how to read silently. Jean-Robert can read, yes, but he can only read out loud. Todd says that this will not do at all and Jean-Robert must go if he's going to be talking smack about Todd. Wow, I wish I could be smart like a professional poker player!
Todd says He Will Do Whatever He Needs To Do To Win That Million Dollars. He then swipes his hand across his face as if to brush away a bug, but it looks kind of like he snapped his fingers on the upswing and said "bitches" just as evil Mark hit the mute button.
Then he says again "I'm here to win a million dollars."
And then again "A million dollars! That's a lot of money!"
Okay, then there's the rest:
Denise, who we don't see much of this episode, probably because she is quite plain and seems like a really nice, normal person, except for the horrid mullet.
Yeah, yeah. I know I already showed James to you. But tough sh!t. Here he is again.
*stares in awe at James*
COMMERCIALS, and I don't do commercials.
We're back now at the John Who? camp and we see that are camping out on a huge cravass...oh wait, that's an overhead shot of Assley's cleavage as she climbes up to the camp.
Assley. Assley's boobs do.not.move. They just move with her body instead of moving in response to her body's movement, like normal boobs on normal people do. It's like her body is one, big boob. Assley is puking, but that's okay, she's puked in the ring all over her opponents and still won the fight. Assley has what I thought at first were fangs that would rival my own, but it turns out they are merely piercings, and she has no fangs after all. Ha! Sucks to be you, Assley!
We're also getting to know this Chicken guy. Just think, you are picked to be on Survivor, and instead of using your real name you decide to use a nickname. What do you come up with? Something cool like "T-Bone?" "Evel Dicque?" "Frisky?" Nooooooooooooooo. You pick "Chicken."
As if we haven't already had enough reality show Chickens. This one, though, sounds a lot like this guy:
so I am ready to send him packing already.
But wait! There are lots more annoying people on this tribe that we haven't even gotten to know yet!
has boobs-in-motion and is wearing spikey heels which OMG! Sink in the mud!
is the token model/actor/bartender/real estate agent and has gas. Assley doesn't mind because she's a wrestler.
is, guess what? A model. And he doesn't believe that Assley is a wrestler because nobody believes anybody's stated occupation unless they come out and admit that they are a former professional football player.
We've already met Jaime, who rounds out the boobie triplets by not wearing a bra.
is small and young and dances funny. And finally, we have:
Peih-Gee. Peih-Gee is bitching about the laziness and is moody and serious and is like the second (or third) coming of Shi-Anne. Therefore, I dub her Pee-Ann. It's easier to type.
Back over at Fei Long, White Jameka has decided to buddy up with:
James is a grave digger and he likes it because he can be by himself. He's a strong, silent type. He's...he's just James. *sigh*
At John Who? Dave consoles the puking Assley and tells her not to worry, just because she's sick she won't be targeted as the first boot. Then he tells us in confessional that just because Assley's sick, she's going to be targeted as the first boot.
Segment 3: "Jeff Probst Has Worms"
Pre-challenge, Aaron is elected leader of Fei Long and he is honoured, because everyone knows the leader is a great thing to be on Survivor. The lab rats line up at the first experiment. Jiffy explains that they have to carry worm-like mascots -- a dragon (Fei Long - headed by James) and a tiger (John Who? - headed by Frosti, who dances again). They have to go through an obstacle course and then fit their poles in the right holes. This challenge was tailor-made for Date Rape Aaron!
They are playing for the immunity idol and fire.
There is much yelling and falling and stumbling and Jamesing. James james james, jamesy-james.
We get a mid-challenge closeup of James' tongue. *sigh*
As predicted, Date Rape's tribe, Fei Long, gets their poles in the right holes and wins immunity. John Who? has a date with Jiffy. The real Marquesas John would be thrilled, but John Who? is not happy.
Segment 4: "How to Get A-Head On The Block Without Even Trying"
Pee-Ann cries, Dave comforts her and coaches the tribe. Pee-Ann tries to pry an opinion out of Chicken, but chickens don't have opinions. They just have juicy, succulent wings. Pee-Ann decides to take over from Chicken and get the shelter built, which the tribe doesn't like, because they don't want a shelter, dammit. So, the targets seem to be Pee-Ann and Chicken. Oh, and Assley, because she's sick, but she'll be safe because Evil Mark wants to milk her for awhile longer for her, um, non-physical attributes.
Segment 5: "Mommy, Mommy, Where Do Chicken Balls Come From?"
Tribal Council. Jiffy asks questions. Idiots answer. Survivor is hard. It took two days to build a shelter. Pee-Ann and Dave want to be leaders, because everyone knows that leaders go far in Survivor.
Assley is getting scared. People are saying bad stuff about lazy people who just want to lay around and puke all day. Chicken says he doesn't fit in, but he's not the laziest, so he should be okay.
Frosti votes Chicken Assley votes Pee-Ann Erik votes Chicken Sherea votes Chicken Braless Wonder votes Chicken Chicken votes Assley Dave votes Assley Pee Ann votes Chicken
Chicken yelps! and the boobs to the right of him *bounce* with fright and the boobs to the left of him Do.Not.Move.
They get fire. They are most pleased. They spear Chicken on his torch and Jiffy throws him on the spit before he can get any last words out. Farewell, Chicken, I guess it's more important to have a lazy, puking boob than a cartoon pedophile who doesn't fit in.