Edgardo, Alex, Mookie and Nightmare formed the Alliance Of The Four Horsemen. Unfortunately, their apocalypse was short lived when it was revealed that they were really three horsemen, and one very large jackarse.
After being proclaimed the most. hated. survivor. ever, Stacy had a moment of brilliance never seen in the history of the game before slipping back into her UTR catatonic state. In her honor, and for product placement ad dollars, we declare her the first recipient of the Oily of Olay Strategery Medal of Honor Award … Statue. For a more entertaining description of events from Episode 10, please visit Michel’s far more in-depth and visually appealing summary.
And now, for your reading pleasure, with fireworks and other various noisemakers, may I present to you, the bicentennial addition (well, it feels like we've been watching it that long), the 200th spectacular edition of
Survivor Fiji Episode 11: A Tale of Two Twitties
It was the best of games, it was the worst of games, it was a game of wisdom, it was a game of foolishness, it gave players a glimpse of hope, it gave them the depths of despair. They had turtles before them, they had nothing before them, they were all going direct to final four, they were all going direct to loser lodge -- in short, every player thought to themselves, "Hey! I'm running this game!" and while they all thought this to be true, only one of them was correct.
After the night’s TC, Mookie and Alex discuss the breakdown of their “in the bag” apocalypse and come to the conclusion that Dre doublecrossed them. Alex believes that “Dre might have been playing us all along.” A quick cut to Stacey and Dre shows us that Alex has given Dre far too many intelligence points. Dre looks very much like a puppy who’s been smacked with a newspaper for messing on the rug as Stacy tells him that the Super Six didn’t lie to him, they simply protected him from being fed misinformation. Dre looks confused, and rather than tell her that he has no clue what she means, he decides she had “a really smart idea.”
Stacey approaches Earl and rattles off something intelligible not requiring subtitles that allows him to believe that not only is he the leading mastermind of this game, he came up with the idea to oust Edgardo. He chortles and rubs his hands, telling us that “power is on our side, we have six in our group, and we are comfortable. At least he’s got better math skills than Lisi. Meanwhile, Stacy explains that the “Horse’s arse alliance days are numbered, and they will be lucky if they get fed.” This statement is followed by a face shot so evil that the only thing missing was pea soup vomit, and her head spinning 360 degrees.
By the way, where have we misplaced our “Oh, God!” meter clicker?
Day 28. We can still run this game! (really, we can)
Mookie and Alex sit on the beach discussing the traitor Nightmare. Mookie wants him to grovel; Alex wants him disemboweled. Nightmare just wants to cover his tush. He mumbles incoherently, trying desperately to convince the two twits that he didn’t turn on them, even though it was clear to both alliances that his votes shift faster than the tropical easterlies.
With seemingly no tree mail, the tribe goes to reward beach, which has been hosed down to the consistency of chocolate pudding. Or maybe it’s just low tide. Can you smell the stink of this already? Jeff explains that the teams will be “randomly” divided. This “random” business is really MB’s code for “I am splitting you all up, because a separation a day keeps the Pagonging away.” After the tribe stops fighting over being “randomly” stuck with Nightmare, Jeff explains the challenge:
1. There are two platforms, each with a slingshot and a basket of colored balls with paper tails. For you Chinese fluents, this is the challenge “Year of the Coconut Kite.”
2. The remaining three players on each team are given jai lai baskets, and are to stand in the mud pit and run, slide, or dive to catch the lobbed balls. No matter the color of the ball you catch, you get a point, and the first team to catch 5 balls wins.
After a half-hearted “yeah, tell us what we win,” Jeff tells them that they get a lovely basket of pastel colored finger towels, and an assortment of Oil of Olay Body Ribbon lotions to take as product placement to a Fijian Luxury spa. They get showers, food, beds, and a chance to pick a loser to go to Exile Island.
Yau Man lobs a ball, and misses. Stacy lobs one that hits Earl’s catcher, but bounces out. Earl grumbles that he didn’t know it would bounce. Um … it’s a ball. Balls bounce.
Yau Man lobs one to Boo, who catches it. Stacy lobs her next one, and Mookie steals it away from Earl. Score is Orange 2, Green 0.
Yau’s missile launch misses again, mainly because Cassandra is busy getting a chokehold on Earl. When he complains, Jeffy calls him a sissy, and to suck it up. Stacy’s lob misses.
Yau lobs to Boo, who does a face plant in the mud. Stacy lobs one at Nightmare, who catches it. Orange 2, Green 1.
Stacy lobs to Nightmare, who is distracted by Mookie. Yau misses, as Boo screams and writhes in the mud. When Jeff asks him what’s wrong, he says he’s got a knee injury. An ACL tear, kind of like “Artificial Crybaby Loser” whine. Jeff says, “let’s get medical in.” The medic, amazingly not wearing a Red Cross helmet or proffering morphine, doesn’t actually do anything except help Boo to his feet. Walk it off you sportster hunk, you. When Boo stands up, a pop is heard that is so disturbing, even Jeff winces. Boo, big strong jock that he is, decides he can go on. Way to take one for the team, Boo.
Yau the Challenge Master shoots to Boo. Stacy launches to Nightmare, who catches the ball. Jeepers, he’s good for something after all. Orange 2, Green 2.
Stacy shoots and misses. Cassandra tells Earl to “get physical.” Earl snarls back that he is being physical, but it’s about “the placement of the balls.”
*snort* This is a PG 13 board: Must. Restrain. Self.
Yau shoots to Mookie; score is now Orange 3, Green 2.
Stacy lobs to Nightmare who catches it. Yau shoots to Mookie, who yells at Yau when he misses. Yau lifts his hand to give Mookie the bird, but thinks better of it. Score Orange 3, Green 3.
Stacy lobs to Alex who misses. There is a short pan to Cassandra to remind the viewers that she’s still in this episode. Yau shakes his head to Mookie, and lobs the ball. Score is now 4- 3.
Yau shoots to Mookie, but Alex sees his ballistic pattern plan by now and actually manages to steal it away. Stacy and Nightmare miss again. Score is now 4- 4. Oh, how very suspenseful.
Finally, host, cameraman, gaffers, and viewers sigh with relief that this challenge is almost over. Yau shoots to Boo who misses, and Stacy shoots to Nightmare who catches. It’s over! Yay! Now send Boo to Exile so we can get on with the shower shots, will ya? Are we going to the yacht, the spa, or the luxury hotel where MB’s staying? Or some made up Home Depot kit-sized development all on it’s own?
Boo is taken to Exile Island, where the tower can be best described as a quickly discarded Disney set from Swiss Family Robinson. He mumbles out the clue:
If you’re sitting in the tower and reading, Realize what a loser you are. And if you think that this clue will help you, You should know that your brain is sub-par. The Idol is back at your very own beach, So just sit here and chew on this fact. It’s near a singular tree, and easy to reach, But we know you are blind as a bat.
Boo looks dumbfounded, amazed that a Cingular® tree is nearby and he doesn’t have his cell phone, but he’s happy that the idol is not on Exile Isle. He can now whine about being dehydrated, having a heat stroke, and being not much good for anything. Aren’t these Survivors such consummate Outbackers?
Meanwhile, on the seaplane the “true” leaders of this game are heading off to reward. Earl and Stacy believe they are each in charge; Alex thinks he can get back in charge. And Nightmare? Well, he just dreams of what he can charge to room service.
At the Fijian Hilton, the four are met by a “native extra” who informs them that there are two sets of showers; one inside the room, one in the backyard. Of course, they all shower together, but I couldn’t really tell if they were inside, or outside.
I have to take this moment to mention that this LUXURY spa’s showers seem to be without doors or privacy. Nice tilework, though. Now, MY idea of luxury includes walls and some semblance of privacy when I shower. Anyway, the three remain fully dressed while they pull odd things out of their armpits, and Stacy rubs her breasts and soaps up her legs.
After the gratuitous soaping and groping is over, the gang dons green and blue robes and go off to dinner. Stacy feels awkward with Alex there, especially when he tells her that he’s this upstanding guy who always congratulates the winners of a challenge even if he’s on the losing end. She looks at him like he’s completely lost his mind, and Alex decides to put the squeeze on Earl, who is the one really running this game.
Alex decides that the best way to “infiltrate” the Super Six alliance is to ask Earl straight up who is the next person to go. Earl reminds him that the game is still going on, so he’s not going to divulge anything, as his name is NOT Dre. Alex tries to go for the psychological approach, and tells Earl that Mookie really wants to leave the game. Earl responds with “That’s why Mookie might not go first, because HE wants to.
Funny, while watching this exchange, my thoughts slid to a scene in The Princess Bride, where Fazini was trying to outwit Wesley regarding iocane powder -- and we all know how THAT worked out.
We are still in charge dude. Straight up!
When the four return to the tribe, there is much rejoicing because Nightmare now smells like apples and cinnamon rather than … Dre. Mookie and Nightmare lay under a tree and Mookie decides that it must be Yau Man who has the hidden Idol, since he never leaves camp. Nightmare proves to be no help at all with this brilliant deductive reasoning, so Mookie approaches Alex, and decides that they should be “creative” and go through Yau’s belongings to see if he has it. They leave Nightmare dozing under the tree, go back to the cave, and sure enough Yau’s turtle is found as they burglarize his bag. It’s too bad Yau didn’t disinter his fake turtle Idol for them to find in their search. Imagine the confusion if they found two, count ‘em, two, Idols in his stuff!
Oh joy! Oh Rapture! The two go skipping and clapping to a “secluded” little area outside of camp to discuss their options. Of course, they are so busy extolling the wonder of the Horsemen (present company included), that they fail to notice the UTR contingent behind a few trees, toasting the wonders of not being noticed from week to week. Cassandra and Stacy decide that since they were not noticed, they’ll just listen in. That’s the way a girl gets ahead in Survivor Land.
Alex: How do we convince the tribe that we know Yau has the idol? Mookie: We just tell them we looked in his bag. They will be so impressed with our “creative” approach that they will hand us the million dollars. Alex: When do we do this? Mookie: At TC. We tell Yau to drop his pants and prove he has an idol.
Women viewers everywhere shudder and scream, “No! In the name of decency, NO!”
Alex: We do this at TC? Mookie: Yes. If we show them at TC, they will all know he’s been LYING and they will all be so disgusted with him that they will ALL vote our way!
Alex looks like he’s in the throes of orgasm, and yells “We are so great! Even if we get voted off, we will go down in the annals of Survivor as the best players ever! It will be a blaze of glory, like Scarface man! Scar- friggin-face!
At this point, they hear a twig snap, and notice the two girls laughing their butts off. Realizing that having Yau drop his pants is not going to pan out, they decide to work the Scarface angle, and “rough up” Yau back at the camp. I guess our remaining pair of XX chromosomes are good for something.
It’s the Amazing Race! Alex and Mookie run full charge back to camp to confront Yau, while Cassandra and Stacy stand under a tree, discuss what they think they heard, and decide to walk back to camp. Mirna and Charla they aren’t.
How jou like dat, eh? Jou lose, old man!
Mookie and Alex try to remember all the Scarface and Sopranos lines that they have ever heard before they muscle up to Yau to put the squeeze on him. Mookie grabs a piece of fruit, and attempts to eat it maniacally in front of Yau as Alex starts the rough stuff.
Alex: We know you’se has da idol. Jou wanna tell da tribe, or do we?
Yau: How do you know I have it?
Mookie: We saw it in your bag. *takes a huge bite and spits out the seeds.* Mookie wonders whether he’s the good cop or the bad cop in this play.
Yau: What? So you guys were getting wood and you thought you might find some in my bag?
Alex: Huh? What? Mookie, he’s supposed to be begging for mercy by now!
Yau: I tell you what. You guys do what you need to do. Good luck. (Oh, how I wish they had not edited out the howls of laughter from the crew)
There is a cut to an Alex confessional, where he states that “yep, we are back in charge, I saw the ‘oh crap’ expression on his face.” This is followed by a cut back to Yau telling them “I’m past the phase where I have to have this thing. I’m in the MAJORITY alliance, so the idol doesn’t even matter at the moment.”
Yau walks off while Mookie and Alex still hold on to the belief that they have somehow wrestled control back from Yau, Earl, Boo, Stacy, Cassandra, Dre, or whoever the heck thinks they are running the game at the moment.
See the person who never says he’s running the game? Guess what?
Yau slowly returns to camp, weighing his options. The old Zen Master, realizing that Mookie and Alex are desperate and thus making stupid errors in judgment, keeps his cool and rationally decides to tell the tribe the truth. As luck would have it, he runs into Stacy first, and capitalizes on the “I’m an old man victim” angle. Stacy is so “heart hurt” that the dimwitted duo went through his personal belongings, that she emotionally tells the story to the tribe while Yau does his best to look old and victimized. As she leads the tribe to believe that Mookie searched ALL their bags, Yau doesn’t bother to correct her. Earl asks Yau how he knew the dimwits were being truthful, and Yau explains that he always folds his things NICELY, and now his belongings are a mess. Everyone becomes more and more angry with Mookie and Alex, and Earl is the only person who seems to understand that Yau deflected the situation away from his holding the HII.
Meanwhile, Mookie and Alex are still living in their dream world and believe that even if they did not get Yau to show his idol, they “caused dissension” in the tribe. They lie on their backs (pun intended) and laugh about a job well done. They don’t realize that they have managed to turn their tribemates against them and that, for them, the lid has slammed shut on the chest holding the prize money. And nobody hurt a finger.
As the tribe heads off to IC, the look on Yau’s face said it all. We have met the Godfather, and it’s a small, innocent looking Asian guy with spectacles. Are there still any questions about who is REALLY in charge of this game?
Immunity Challenge. Awwwww, you sunk my battleship!
Jeff smiles, and tells the tribe that it will be a challenge of brains and strategy. Alex, Nightmare, and Mookie all look panic stricken. He explains that there are 25 squares on a grid. Five rows of numbers (1-5) and five columns of letters (A-E). Nightmare wiggles his fingers, trying to figure out why there are not 8 squares each, and is this chess or checkers?
Each player selected three connecting squares on the board. They take turns calling out coordinates. Whoever's name is on that picked square gets an "X." When the three selected blocks for a player are "X"'d they are out of the game in a blast of fire from a gas torch. Last Survivor with an un-Xed square on the board wins immunity. When choosing squares, only Alex chose horizontal squares; everyone else chose diagonal ones.
Dre is up first. Since he is the ADD poster boy, he chooses a square of his own. Call me Dr. Kevorkian, but let’s hear it for assisted suicide. Nightmare's pick also hits Earl, and Boo.
Cassandra picks next. Seeming to be channeling the mind of Nightmare, she “hit’s” Yau Man, and … wait for it … herself. Mookie manages to hit only Earl. For those of you paying attention, that means that Earl's going to be sitting on the mat gnashing his teeth soon. Earl chooses a square that hits Mookie and Cassandra. Yau Man hits the square naming Boo, Nightmare, and Earl. Earls sits on the sidelines, glowering. Now it’s Stacy’s turn. Boo and Dre get hit, which knocks Boo and the Nightmare out. Boo never even got a chance to play. Alex, brilliant strategist that he is, picks a square with no one's name. Cassandra, never one to come up with anything original, follows Alex’s thinking, and also misses. Mookie lucks out, and hits Cassandra’s last square. Alex misses the mark again (he’s done that all episode). Stacy proves that last week’s strategy was a fluke, and misses by repeating Cassandra’s guess. Mookie hits Alex. Yau Man snuffs Mookie. Alex picks Yau Man’s square. He chortles with glee, believing that he’s Tony Soprano again.
Only three players remain. Yau and Alex with 2 X’s each, and Stacy with 1. Stacy comes out of her UTR catatonic state long enough to pick the one square shared by her, Yau, and Alex. Jeffy, stating the obvious, proclaims it a “good strategic move.” They are gone. Stacy gets the big tusk thing that will take the eye out of anyone who tries to congratulate her! Wow, for two weeks in a row she seems to actually know how to play this game. Who knew?
Back at camp, Alex brings Mookie some fruit to help keep his strength up. While Alex eats, they discuss their next move. Alex worries that he doesn’t have many moves left. (Mind boggling observation, is it not?)
Both men decide that the only option left is to be totally honest about Yau’s idol, cause some alliance havoc, and bring hell “down” on them all. Funny, I thought hell was already down – Alex must have read Dante. Just which circle has he traversed so far? Alex continues to show just how and why lawyers get such a bad rap by insisting that he is a paragon of virtue when set against a little old Asian guy with a turtle necklace. Draw your own conclusions he tells us. Oh, we have Alex. Now go to the level of Hell reserved for lawyers with delusions of grandeur, and be quiet for awhile. Alex is going to run for district attorney in Durham, North Carolina next; he heard the position will be opening up soon.
Meanwhile, Earl is having troubles of his own with tribemates who should just collect firewood and be seen and not heard. Nightmare tries desperately to prove he is smart, by explaining to Earl that they should vote Mookie off because he is lazy and shiftless, while Alex would at least go get firewood once in awhile. Earl pulls out a stick, and drawing pictures in the sand, attempts to show Nightmare that Alex would win challenges, while Mookie has already “checked out” mentally from the game.
Nightmare holds his ground, explaining that Alex is not as physical as Mookie, who would win all the challenges. In frustration, Earl breaks the stick over his knee and says to Dre, "Physical has nothing to do with it, STACY won the last immunity, and Yau won the one before that!"
As if dealing with Nightmare wasn’t bad enough, Earl is next cornered by Boo, who has decided that even though neither of them has seen a clue about the newly hidden Hidden II, the two twits must have found it. He even manages to convince the UTR twins of this. Yau and Earl watch as Boo takes control of the tribe and orders the UTR twins and Nightmare to split the vote between the two twits.
In confessional, Earl proclaims that it is a far far better thing than he has ever done before, as he will relinquish power just this once, even though it scares the bejeebers out of him. Why? Because those who take charge and admit they are in charge end up getting voted out.
Tribal Council, at long last
At tribal council, Jeffy gets right to the point, and asks Alex if he got a sense that the “game had shifted.” Alex is very quick to tell the jury that “the rats and snakes came out full force.” Jeff then turns to Mookie and asks the all important question:
“Ra, are all those nature and critter shots in the can already?”
Then he turns to Mookie. “Mookie, what did you notice?”
Mookie: There are alliances, and one was completely destroyed at the last TC. There was some backstabbing, and maybe some trickery by the other alliances, I don’t know. But at some point, I got the feeling that I was the outsider.
Jeff: Hello? Mookie, why do you think the words Outwit and Outplay are included in the show logo? Don’t answer that. Mookie, what do you do when you are so thoroughly outwitted?
Mookie: Well, Alex and I decided to go find a hidden immunity idol in Yau’s bag. Jeff: Wait – you “found” a hidden II in Yau Man’s bag? Mookie: Yep Jeff: “FOUND” it. Mookie: Yes Jeff: In YAU MAN’S bag? Mookie: Yes, I already said that, what’s your point? Jeff: And Alex calls other members rats and snakes? Yau, any thoughts? Yau: They are desperate and lame, but it doesn’t matter, because the idol won’t be needed for at least two more episodes. Jeff: Wow. What?! Yau: Well, I may have to change my strategy a tad IF I intend to use it at some point. Jeff: Earl, reactions to all this? Earl: I’m really pissed off. Don’t ANYONE go through the puppet master’s stuff! Jeff: *hangs head and sighs* Nightmare, I know you don’t like to think, but how big is trust now in this game? Nightmare: Oh, um. Well day’s gonna be summ’on gone soon, and then it will be the six of us, and somebody has got to go. I just need Earl or Boo to tell me who that is. Jeff: What about Yau Man? Nightmare: They went through his stuff! Ain’t nobody gonna go through the Dreamz’ stuff! Jeff: Alex, is anyone coasting in this game? Alex: Yep, and when cosmic karma is finished grinding me and Mookie into a nice smoothie, somebody’s going to find out that they are next on the menu. Hey guys, past actions foretell the future. NB: At this point, Stacy truly looks like she’d like to stab Alex with the Immunity Necklace. … In the guise of giving him a hug.
Jeff is so exasperated, that he orders everyone to go vote. He asks Stacy if she would like to take off the necklace, but she tells him that she’s had it soldered to her neck, and she’s into BDSM. *Woof* on that collar.
The votes are counted: Alex, Alex, Mookie, Boo, Mookie, Mookie, Alex, Mookie.
Jeff snuffs out Mookie, and sends him on his way down the path of shame. In Mookie’s final confession, he couldn’t decide if he was happy to be out, or happy to be playing the game. Basically, he had no clue, but at least he can have a nice date with Lisi at Loser Lodge, and compare their new math skills.
Jeff tells the tribe that there seems to be a strong alliance of six -- and Alex. He then makes the mistake of saying that Alex will either be the odd man out, or the most important player.
Gee, I wonder which of those Alex will choose to believe.
Next week on Survivor:
• It’s “Can you name the jury members so far” game time! Spin the dial Bob Barker! No, that’s not incorrect. I didn’t say “spin the cute model.” Now is not the time to go Don Imus on us.
• Alex goes undercover. I haven’t seen any blanket rewards yet. I am confused.
• Boo gets annoying followed by a shut up/you shut up/you are soooo stupid exchange. And then there’s a great free for all!
• It’s the return of the Piñata bobbing for shanks of meat challenge! It’s pork. Muslims need not apply. It’s for the children, you know. Or Homeland Security. Good fences make good, er, bonfire material. Just like Congressional Hearing transcripts.
• Just who gets muddied next episode? We’ll have to wait ‘till next Thursday to find out.