Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it. I know I haven’t been around a while, and the couch is too waterlogged to talk anymore, it just whimpers. But don’t worry, kids, I can still BRING THE SNARK. At least, until Book 7 comes out, then it’s back to whiny little b!tch mode for ol’ Draco. Watch, he’s going to end up turning good and saving that little mudblood Hermione and blood traitors Weasley and Potter.
One paragraph in, and already I digress. This may be a new record for me.
Before Survivor I caught the bonus puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. And no, the answer wasn’t NAGGERS either.
Previously on Survivor: Stuff happened that I’m too lazy to recap. And because we’re now in EXTREME Survivor mode, we go right to the action! Or at least, something resembling it anyways. At Ravu, Eddie, Mookie, and the Beav Have A Plan. In case you missed it, we found out last week that Lisi is not exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree. Truth be told, we found it out a few weeks back, but it keeps being confirmed and re-confirmed. Their Plan is that, while Lisi and Dreamsz dream, they’ll use the clues that Lisi so helpfully gave them to dig up the Hidden Immunity Idol. Never mind that Lisi and Dreamsz are almost on top of it themselves. In theory, this would seem like a Plan That Is Doomed To Fail, like so many on this show. After all, they’re digging less than 5 feet away from Lisi. But Alex put some roofies in L&D’s canteens, guaranteeing that they could sleep through an episode of The Apprentice, if need be.
Oh wait, people already do that. Never mind.
Sure enough, the Three Ravuteers manage to dig up the idol as visions of sugarplums dance in L & D’s heads. Eddie, Mookie, and the Beav all put their fingers to their lips and sneak off into the jungle, complete with cartoonish “hands out front like paws” and “high stepping tip toeing” as we finally get to…
The credits. Ee aah oh ee aah… And that’s it. That’s all we get. I guess the producers have figured that no one will even remember the first boots were on the show, so why remind them of that unpleasant fact by showing them in the opening montage?
(imagine TiVo noises here) ba-doop ba-Doop ba-DOOP!
When we return, the Geniuses are still looking around for the final clue to the treasure. Oops, had an unpleasant Treasure Hunters flashback, sorry. Eddie, Mookie, and the Beav are running off into the forest to unwrap their Xmas present. BEHOLD THE TURTLE! They congratulate themselves on their brilliance and vow to share the idol (which of course, they won’t, but that’s someone else’s summary, not mine.). They decide not to tell Lisi, who we’re reminded is “unstable”, as if the past few episodes weren’t a clue to this, and would probably use the idol wrong anyways. Like as a funny hat or maybe for her homemade Ouija board. They’re not going to tell Dreamsz either unless they have to, because he’d probably go tell Cirie Cassandra anyways. And he’s not one of the cool kids, anyways. He used to be homeless, you know. He probably smells like sour milk or something. Isn’t that what they’re supposed to smell like? I’m confused. Mookie reminds us, though that while they all *think* they’re sharing the idol, he’s actually the brains of the outfit by keeping it in *his* pocket.
Lisi, ever on top of things, finally wakes up as Mookie is finishing covering up all trace of their early morning treasure hunt. Ever observant she asks Mookie if he’s “idol digging”. He says, “um, yeah.” Lisi, of course, thinks she’s smarter than everyone else, and that there’s no chance in hell that Mookie has actually found the idol, and brags to us that “You are going to have to get up really really early to fool an old cat like me.” Oh, you’re so doomed. She works for a psychic hotline, too. You’d think she’d have seen all of this coming. She decides that since it’s already known where the idol is, she might as well go ahead and dig, right where Mookie says he didn’t find it. Brilliant! Mookie, ever the helpful backstabber, even helps her dig her own grave.
Meanwhile, at Moto, Boo and Stacy/Michelle climb the mountain to retrieve their treemail, and are greeted by… The remaining Outcasts from Pearl Islands! MB’s determined to get Ryan Shoulders back into the game! Only kidding, it’s rejected Representative Locals from The Amazing Race. They have tree mail. Boo reads it when they all get back to the tribe and…
The reward challenge is actually… a DANCE contest.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve officially run out of ideas. I’m gonna need a cigarette for this.
*leaves to go smoke*
Ok, I’m back. Mmm… sweet nicotine, take the pain away. Anyways, after an ACTUAL CONFESSIONAL FROM STACY~! Yo-Da volunteers to sit this challenge out, claiming to be “all knees”. Now normally, this would seem like a smart maneuver. But considering that Yo-Da is a Fvcking Challenge God, and you have big dumb frat boy Boo on your team, you might want to reconsider that. But what’s done is done. Hilarity then ensues as we’re treated to a condensed version of Moto learning to dance. Earl actually is quite good, the ladies are serviceable, and Boo is Extremely White. But he gives it a go at least, trying to go beyond typical drunken frat guy “left-together, right-together” dancing.
At Ravu, things are happening as well. The four men are giving it all they have, trying to learn the Mekeleke Hi Meke Hiney Ho as well as they can in 2 hours. Lisi is being yelled at a lot by their dance captain. She doesn’t feel like challenges are really important. They don’t need to worry about silly things like winning and eating. That’s minor stuff.
This is where the little guy comes up in the bottom corner of the screen and yells “TOASTY!”
Ravu paints up and is ready for war. Or dancing, whichever comes first. Dreamsz, who is a cheerleading coach and thus should actually be good at this, tries to pump his team up. Lisi responds by making chicken noises, cackling, and lying down to take a nap. ba-doop ba-Doop ba-DOOP!
And we’re back in time for this week’s edition of: “Dancing with the ‘Tards!” As you’ll recall, last time, Lingo co-host Shandi Finnessey was voted out… oh wait… wrong show, sorry.
Our contest is being held in a giant circle in the middle of an Authentic Fijian Village. Moto comes in first, so that they can cheer when Ravu comes in and they see that Rocky got broken by Ivan Drago. Jeff explains the challenge again to the morons, as Lisi stares off into space, and introduces our three judges for this competition: Simon, Randy, and Paula, who are old and fat and at least have the courtesy to cover themselves with real clothing. Moto is going first, and Jeff makes the great deductive leap that since Yo-Da is the only Moto member not in fig leaves and face paint, he’s sitting out. For some reason, Boo appears to be wearing blackface. I guess he thinks it will help. Earl takes the lead in the dance, and the tribe ends up wowing the judges. Boo even manages to not embarrass himself too badly. Next up is Ravu. The men give it their all, but Lisi just marches around in a circle poking feebly at the air, hoping her ponyhawk stays up. Dreamsz ends their dance with a backflip, but it would’ve been framed better if he’d been in the middle. Points for trying I guess. It made a little girl in the audience cry at least.
Our judges take a moment to discuss. Randy says that they got it goin’ on, Paula thinks they have a good spirit, and Simon says that it was appalling and that he’s seen better dancing by a orangutan who had been set on fire. But America voted, and Moto wins, yet again.
You know, I’m cross-referencing so many reality shows at this point, I don’t even know what show I’m doing anymore.
The Ravu men are disappointed. Lisi looks in fascination at the pretty pretty butterfly, and it barely even registers with her that she’s being sent to the Naughty Island again. Earl gets this year’s “It’s so wonderful to be among local culture” confessional as the Moto eats and dances happily.
That night, it rains on Lisi at Exile Island. She wants to quit. Then she doesn’t. Then she does. Then she doesn’t. Then she cries. Then we all get tired of her and cut to commercial.
ba-doop ba-Doop ba-DOOP!
The next morning, Earl and Michelle have their morning pow-wow, wherein it is determined that Boo is more valuable to the tribe than Stacy. This is a feeble attempt to make us think that there is the slightest chance that someone other than Lisi will go home tonight. Michelle points out, to those who hadn’t noticed before, that she and Stacy are basically carbon copies of each other, which saves me the trouble of figuring out which is which.
At Ravu, Dreamsz is, surprise surprise, talking. He’s happy to have made the jury (strike one), thinks the merge is tomorrow, (strike two), and knows he’ll have Cassandra on HIS side (strike three! Yer out!). Had he said “our” side to Alex and Edgardo, he *might* have saved himself some headaches down the line, but he said “my”, which isn’t too bright. Treemail is brought to us by the Green Arrow, as we continue to show that we’re recycling challenges by going all the way back to season one.
At the challenge, Lisi is brought back to the tribes, and judging by her excitement, doesn’t want to quit now. She apparently doesn’t want to wear a bra either, but that’s neither here nor there. She celebrates her return to the tribe by recreating her sky-spearing dance. Dreamsz is Not Amused. In an attempt at comedy, when Jeff comes to collect the Immunity Pointy Thing, Cirie Cassandra refuses to let go. It’s wacky I tell you! The challenge is something we’ve all seen before, blowdarts, spears, and bow and arrows. This time, to ensure that all three rounds need to be played, the first round is worth one point, the second worth 2, and the third worth three. Cirie Cassandra decides to sit this one out, as the tribes prepare to put a large solid object to their lips.
Round one actually goes with very little humor, as everyone is equally adept at this blowing job, except for Stacy or Michelle, who can’t quite get it to work, and Edgardo, who ends up losing the round for his tribe. Round 2 is spears, and if you’ve ever seen Survivor, you know that this can only end in laughter. Dreamsz gets lucky and clips the edge of the target. But as usual, it’s Yo-Da, the world’s most unlikely challenge whore ever, who shows everyone how it’s done, using his mad Force skills to score a great hit for Moto, and eventually winning them the 2 points. But it’s ok, Ravu can still tie, right? Stacy or Michelle manage to get on the board, but Dreamsz actually hits the coloured part of the target. Too bad Master Yo-Da is up next. He becomes one with the straightest arrow (thus saddening all the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered arrowsz), shrinks himself down to his natural height, and scores… well, not a bullseye, but good enough to get his tribe the win. And because Moto always had last shot, Earl never has to go because Ravu sucks worse than Ulong.
ba-doop ba-Doop ba-DOOP!
We return to camp as Mookie and Dreamsz both figure out how much they sucked at that challenge, and in a confessional, tells us how SICK she is on a tribe of losers. This from a woman who earlier told us that challenges weren’t important. Um, hello, pot, there’s a kettle I’d like you to meet. As Ravu prepares for yet ANOTHER tribal council, Lisi has decided that she wants them to vote her out. Don’t worry, hon, that’s what they were planning to do anyways. She even stupidly tells Alex that the reason she wants out is because she KNOWS the tribe is going to lose again, and she KNOWS she’ll go to Exile Island again.
Lisi, honey. There are things we can think, but shouldn’t say in public. It’s called burying yourself.
Of course, we can’t go into a Tribal Council with SUCH a foregone conclusion, so the editors scrambled and found some footage of Lisi NOT wanting to quit and spliced it in here, in an effort to make it look like there’s a chance she might not go home.
Here’s a spoiler, kids: it won’t work.
Tribal Council time. I really miss the old music. Ravu comes in first, settling back into the butt-grooves they’ve worn into their seats, followed by Rocky, who takes full advantage of being the only one coming in to jog up the stairs like his namesake. I wish he’d have tripped. The Lisi and Dreamsz show begins, and it’s a lot of pseudo-intellectual crap from Lisi to kick us off. Jeff asks Dreamsz what he’s basing his vote on tonight, and he just lays all the cards on the table: Lisi wants to go home. Lisi, not wanting to look like an idiot in front of Jeff AGAIN, gets into a nice little verbal catfight with Dreamsz about who’s the bigger quitter. But Dreamsz shuts her up with a simple question: Do you want to stay in the game? Lisi, of course, can’t answer a simple yes or no question, and just doesn’t answer, even after everyone else on the tribe is asked the same question and immediately answers that they want to stay in the game. Makes the vote real easy. Lisi votes Dreamsz, telling him to grow up and get a real name, but everyone else votes Lisi. She is the Weakest Link, goodbye! She gives Edgardo her hat for no real reason, gets snuffed, then takes the Walk Of Shame. Rocky winces as he realizes he’s going to be getting some quality alone time with Lisi at Loser Lodge.
Next time on Survivor, everyone goes to Exile Island and is shocked by something. In her final words, Lisi still can’t decide if she wants to stay or go. She spouts off a bunch of clichés and calls her tribe a bunch of losers again. Good riddance.