There, now don't you feel like you're reading a Joe Millionaire recap?
When the premise of this show percolated (I mean oozed) out of the sewer system known as FUX network, it seemed too ghastly even for me, who has watched and recapped Elimidate and Meet My Folks. I woke up from my temporary insanity, decided I couldn't pass up an opportunity to snark at some DAWs and signed up.
I purposely chose not to watch Episode 1. Hell, I wasn't going to watch any of the episodes. That's so passe. My plan was read the recaps, get permission to quote and watch my assigned ep. Finales are usually full of recrap, anyway, right?
That plan went out the window after everyone raved over the hilarity of 20 b!tches scratching each other's eyes out in the race for the evening gown competition.
Okay, truthfully, the plan really tanked after The American Music Awards turned out to be worse than listening to plates clatter in the dishwasher's rinse cycle while my cat mew-whines to be let out when it's raining. She makes me get up and open the door and then she runs under the sofa, to resume mew-whining in five minutes like it's a brand new sunny day. Long story longer, I switched to Joe Mill part-way through ep 2 and haven't missed an episode yet.
My plan was completely demolished when PepeLePew got the recrapisode honours. But with permissions in hand, I'm determined to find a reason to quote from the wonderful recaps by Bebo, Bucky Katt, Swami, Fester, Silvergirl and PepeLePew.
Now for the Crapisode: Dignity Where Art Thou?
It's 8p.m. Are you wondering how FUX plans to fill 2 hours? Wonder no longer. Get settled. With a drink. You're about to take a ride down the slippery slope of Secrets Revealed. 20 girls began the journey. 19 turned out to be cookie-cutter attention whores with curvaceous bodies and empty heads. 18 of them have been tossed like so many used beer bottles (what, no refund on those empties?)
Thankfully the first 8 bootees are not revisited. Their "secrets" are of no interest to an audience that doesn't even know their names. We'll have to get by without learning if they would have put out, er, been able to carry on a conversation. They've returned to the reality contestant soup whence they came, hopefully never to re-appear in Reality TVdom.
Secrets of The Losers is about the girls who got at least a second date (well, those who could be found), they who fought and won the Joe Mill Pearl Necklace Sweepstakes. Some went on to enjoy third and fourth dates; others we wished had been left in the contestant soup from the get-go. Whatever, they all lost at the Joe Millionaire Game of Love.
To drive home the point that this is about the Losers, the camera looks wistfully at the chateau -- from outside the gates. It's pathetic. Paul, in his customary fireside chair with his customary cognac, dangles the customary and frankly shopworn carrots of 'shocking truths.'
Losers deliver sound bytes, dissing everything from the jewelry and Evan to the other girls and themselves. Not losers for nothing, this largely unhappy group.
Paul takes an umpteenth sip from his umpteenth glass of plonk and acknowledges that "Many of you were distraught when you didn't find out Evan's choice last week." I think we'll agree that that was a twist. Pissed off, yes. Distraught, not so much.
Since they can't drag it out any longer, tonight we shall learn which girl won Evan's heart and how she coped with the shocking truth that got us to watch this shockingly silly show in the first place, followed shockingly quickly by the not necessarily final shocking twist that we've been led to believe shocked the smirk off Evan.
"But first, let's check in with the Losers for their innermost secrets." I am shocked that Paul said the line with a straight face. Must be thanks to the shocking quantity of cognac he's consumed. What secrets can we possibly care to hear about women whose names we don't recall and faces we don't recognise?
I hope you have some tipple. Swami is right, "This show is definitely easier to watch when you're already half-looped."
We're on first name only basis with the Losers. Ages are shown so that eligible bachelors have some clue as to how old their favourite Loser will plan to admit. Occupations are given to assist in having some idea of how much earning power their Loser will bring to the table.
Our first batch of Losers has a montage of them in RealLife because, god knows, none of them was around long enough to fill a 2 minute recrapisegment from time actually spent with Evan.
Dana, 26, is in 'business development' (translation: apprentice high-priced hooker.) She fell for the fairytale "hook line & sinker" because while Dana's subconscious figured "this does not seem real," the battle for her soul lost to "everyone else was buying into it." Evan does match the description of Dana's dream guy: "Tall." Many were certain Dana would be selected to go further, but Bucky Katt pinpointed the reasons she was not “(Dana) looks like Britney Spears stretched out an additional 8 inches or so. Well, the pre-boob job Britney. And with Bill Clinton’s nose.”
Mary, 24, is in 'ad sales.' She thought it a great joke to wear sunglasses to meet Evan. She has a sense of humour like Yoko Ono has a sense of melody. Mary's a hula hooping champion, but secretly she likes to trawl New York backstreets, advertising herself for sale. What a funny ho!
Katy, 24, is a personal assistant whose 'secret' is she's already married: to her job. A montage of Katy at her desk, on her phone, reading scripts, confabbing with flunkies, proves how busy she is. She talks rapidfire at the camera, 19 to the dozen. "Evan wasn't a very good liar I don't care what he makes just gotta be funny." That 'unh unh unh' was pretty funny when you asked him his middle name, Katy.
Katie, 30, is a pediatrician originally from Saigon. She claims she never questioned whether he "really" inherited. It was obvious to her that a huge pile of cash appeals to women cuz "come on, we're women." Prejudicial chauvinistic attitude complements her pig face.
"I think he likes big breasts," says quick study Amanda, 28, flight attendant. It was a blow to her ego to hear Evan give his reasons for keeping other girls. Amanda considers it inappropriate to select a mate by the size of her breasts, but I think it's only because her titties didn't get Evan to stare open-mouthed. And how is "interested in travelling" any more appropriate a way to select a mate? Amanda's secret is she's an idiot.
Dayanna expected to meet her Prince Charming and instead got Evan. LOL! Her whining about "the piece of sh!t purple dress" was cue to roll tape of women stampeding down a corridor to get their claws on some gowns. Dayanna says it was difficult to choose a dress from ugly & uglier. Now you know how Evan felt faced with his bevy of fuglies. Dayanna is shown wearing the hussy uniform of teeny tiny shorts and teenier tinier top while claiming to like 'unique clothes.' Daddy has spoiled her rotten, she says, so her secret has to be that she is a professional "Daddy's girl." No way that guy is her dad!
Commercials. As is customary with 2-hour reality show finales, after a 20 minute chunk of show, ad breaks occur at least every 10 minutes.