Preface I’m not quite sure who Fox thinks it’s trying to fool. I mean there’s more sincerity in the WWE than in this sleaze-fest. It’s one thing to try to dupe 20 money-grubbers by lying to them about the true status of the object of their attentions. They’re trying to dupe the entire viewing audience that ANYTHING on this show is genuine. Biggest. Fraud. Ever. And yet we watch…
Previously on Joe Millionaire…
The gals go to Gay Paris, home of the father of all phallic symbols, and go on individual dates.
Sar-ahhh gets strapped up (I hear she’s used to that sort of thing) Smile-issa rides the shaft at the Tour Eiffel Mojo Jojo goes to the Moulin Rouge Oh, and Zzzzora and Allison were there too.
Evan felt like a millionaire for 1 minute, which is 1 minute longer than anyone with a functioning brain stem would believe that this clown actually has that kind of coin. During his date with Zzzzora, he let slip that he was driving a bulldozer 2 weeks ago – errr 2 years ago. You see he’s new to this whole “time” thing. This week, Paul tutors him on categories (year, month, week, day). Next week they’ll work on big hand, little hand. Fortunately for Evan, Zzzzora was bored stiff with his company and was too busy listening to the chirping animated birds in her head to hear this colossal blunder that I’m sure had the execs at Fox ready to send Vinnie and the boys over to Evan’s house to explain a couple of things.
In the end, Sar-ahhh, Smile-issa, Mojo Jojo, and Zzzzora got emeralds. Allison got back the self-respect she used as collateral to get on the show.
As our show begins, we are greeted by Evan’s butler, Paul “No-not-that-one” Hogan. (Side note: If I’m an Aussie, I’m starting to get more than a little pissed off with our “exports”. Jocko? Paul “Walking Stereotype” Hogan? Yahoo Serious? The Crocodile Hunter? Robin Leach? No wonder Nicole Kidman married “outside the tribe”.) We’re 1 minute into the program and Paul is already hitting the bottle, swishing a snifter with some brandy in it. BTW, I saw Gosford Park and since when do “the help” get to drink the good stuff from the good stuff? Paul tells us that Evan and the girls have returned to the Chateau to “hang out” (translation: Fox maxed out the Visa in Paris) and wonders which of them will enjoy the pleasure of Evan’s company (hint: It’s probably the same ones who find the dialogue and plot development in the Teletubbies riveting).
Evan does a quick inventory of his belongings and checks to make sure Paul has written his name in his undies (in the back, of course, so he knows which way to put them on).
This week at the Chateau, Evan will once again have individual dates with the remaining self-esteem train wrecks. These dates are basically a notch above your standard White Trash get-to-know-yas. There’s the “Let’s get drunk and see what happens” date, the “I’m too po’ to take you out to eat, so why don’t you make me some dinner cuz that’s what the wimmens ‘r fer anyway” date, the “I can be spontaneous—let’s have a picnic!” date, and of course the “Let’s go out and play a game that I’ll let you win, then later you can read me some of your horrendous poetry—as long as I get to score later” date. All of these dates have the same goal…Lowest Common Denominator Nookie.