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Joe Millionaire - Episode 3 Summary

'Oh, To Be In Paris' By Swami
Original Airdate: January 20, 2003

Last week we learned that Evan’s idea of a dream date includes dirt, drudgery and shovels. Seven girls were eliminated. Poor Heidi Ho was just put out the backdoor like a stray cat, and left to fend for herself. She would not leave. She just sat there mewling on the stoop. Paul the Butler tried to bribe her into going by bringing out suitcase after suitcase, each larger than the next. Heidi refused them all, perhaps holding out for the BIG suitcase—the one containing the full set of stolen, monogrammed towels and stolen monogrammed sheets.

Remaining women: Allison, Melissa Jo (Mojo), Melissa, Sarah, Zora

Butler Paul Hogan is at fireside, swirling a glass of Cognac. This time I’m ready with a glass of Cognac too. (This show is definitely easier to watch when you’re already half looped. Trust me.)

Paul, “Evan and his posse of debutantes will spend four days in Paris, as the girls display all their charms. But is he winning their hearts? Or is it his millions they find appealing?” (Paul is way over the top with his saucy Aussie butler shtick, but on this show he seems almost understated.)

Arriving in Paris.


Evan and the girls arrive by limo and register in the swank lobby of an unnamed hotel.

Melissa M., “We have the Eiffel Tower Suite! Whoohooo!” They all pack onto a tiny balcony, with the Eiffel Tower hovering in view a few blocks away. Evan pops the cork on a bottle of champagne and sends it flying into the street below. Fortified with liquor, they sit around together sipping their drinks and chatting.

Evan, “So, what kind of man are you girls really interested in? Like, do you care what a guy’s occupation or income is?”

Girls (with dollar signs in their eyes), “Oh no!!! Not us! Money doesn’t matter to us at all!”

Sarah, “I won’t date someone who isn’t honest. There are no excuses for that. I just won’t date him.” Evan nods solemnly. I snicker and refill my cognac glass. Now that everyone is being open and honest, let the fun begin…

Or not. Evan says goodnight to the girls and leaves. My fantasy of Evan making out with five girls in a hotel suite takes a dive. The girls get into an Evan-less bed. Alone in his room, Evan gets into an empty bed. He reaches out with his left foot and flips off the light. (!!!) What a classy guy.

The Melissa Jo (Mojo) Date.

The next thing we know, it’s the evening of the following day, and Evan is getting ready for a date with Mojo. Paul selects his clothes and helps Evan dress. Camera shows a nice close-up of Evan zipping his pants.

Paul to Evan, “I told Mojo to dress chic and with high heels. It will be interesting to see what outfit she comes up with.”

The scene shifts to Mojo trying on various strange outfits while the other girls make catty comments behind her back. “Mojo is different.” “She has no fashion sense whatsoever.” “I was shocked when he picked her!” Etc., etc. Mojo settles on a cheap black dress with a plunging neckline and a silver necklace that dangles down into her cleavage. This is bad enough, but then she puts on the most hideous hat! A black felt hat with a wide crumpled brim and an oversized silver chain hatband.

Mojo, “I am, like, the Accessory Queen, and this is my Hot Mama hat. I love it!” She models for the other four girls. “How do I look?”

Girls to Mojo, “You look beautiful. You look great in the hat. Trust us!” And in catty side remarks, “This girl has no style at all!” “The hat is hideous!”

Evan arrives to pick her up, and opens yet another bottle of champagne. So they can have one for the road, I guess. Once again he pops the cork off the balcony into the street below. This time a yell and faint cursing in French can be heard. Evan peers over the rail of the balcony. “Oops,” he says.

Evan, talking about Mojo, “She is a tall blonde bombshell of a girl.”

Mojo, on Evan, “He looks so…mmmmm”. She smacks her lips. “He can teach me a few things.” Looking at Mojo’s—how do you say?—slutty appearance, I doubt that very much.

Before they leave, Evan takes her into a nearby salon where he presents her with his ‘gift’. She has several complete, new outfits to try on and may select one to wear on her date. I guess Paul decided her fashion sense was so poor that he would have to dress her too. Also, Evan and the camera get to watch her try on the clothes. At least I think Evan did—the show was kind of ambiguous on when he was there and when he wasn’t.

Evan, “Mojo is great. She just has a ‘suck you in’ aura about her.” Don’t worry Evan, for a million bucks this girl is very willing to suck you in.

“The dress she picked was one that she was just falling out of, which was great with me.” A shot of Mojo’s boobs falling out of her dress.

Mojo, “A person in a hat shows confidence. I love my hat.” Oh no! She puts the fugly hat on right over the classy duds she was just given. This girl has no fashion sense whatsoever! And off they go in a lovely vintage Rolls Royce—headed for a romantic dinner date, and a show.

Evan thinks their dinner conversation went nowhere. Mojo keeps her eyes totally glued on Evan the whole time. “That kind of freaked me out a bit,” Evan says. (Perhaps Mojo has so much glittery eye shadow on that she is physically unable to actually move her eyeballs from side to side. Whatever—it is quite creepy.)

Mojo, “I thought the dinner conversation went very smooth, and we really connected. It was a great date.”

Evan, “The conversation went nowhere; dinner was a total disaster, and she kept staring at me.”

Painful as it may be, as the designated summary-writer I must report some of this dinner conversation. Brace yourself…

Mojo, “A tomato bit just squirted out the side of my mouth.”

Evan, “How’s your steak?”

Mojo, “It didn’t hit me or anything, just squirted out the side and away.” End of report.

After dinner, it’s on to the Moulin Rouge for a show. The lovely vintage Rolls drops them at the door, where they are able to walk past a long line of tourists and peasants hoping for admission, right up to the grand entrance. Mojo in her crumpled hat looks rather silly, but with a camera crew in tow everyone thinks they must Be Somebody. So the peasants all stare and paparazzi take their photo. Probably the photos are for a tabloid Fashion Disaster spread, but Mojo is thrilled. Evan actually looks quite cool and suave as they walk in. Proof, I guess, that clothes do make the man.

Evan and Mojo have perfect front row seats for the show and are able to cuddle a little. The only problem is The Hat. It keeps boinking Evan in the face, which is not the kind of boinking action Evan has planned for the evening. Mojo is oblivious to it. Boink! Whap! Boink, whap! And on and on…

Mojo, “It was a wonderful evening! We really connected.”

Evan, “I just wanted to take that hat and fling it!”

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