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Joe Millionaire - Episode 1 Summary

'The Dirt Digger and the Gold Diggers' By Bebo
Original Airdate: January 6, 2003

The scene: Aerial view of a French chateau.

* cue music *

Tale as old as time.
True? It's Fox - can't be.
Barely even friends,
Ratings will ascend,

Just a little lie,
And a few switches.
Find an average Joe,
Act like he's got dough
Beauty and the b!tches.

Meet the Diggers

We're first treated to a montage of Joe, aka Evan Wallace Marriott. See Joe move dirt. See Joe shove food in face. See Joe in Snobby Boy Boot Camp. To hook us in, we're shown scenes from upcoming episodes of jetsetting, club hopping, and a rooftop confessional where our Joe agonizes about lying to "her" since he really cares for "her".

Meanwhile, we're also given our first glances at the twenty women clawing their way toward our millionaire. The basic theme of their confessionals? Gee, it's not like they beat us over the head with this...

"The man of my dreams is honest."


You want honesty. Hmmm. And let's see what answers the women would give to the following questions:

1. Is that your natural hair color?
2. How much do you weigh? No, really.
3. How old are you? No, really.
4. Would you have gone on this show if it were called Who Wants to Marry a Construction Worker?
5. How much did those boobs cost?

You get what you give. 'Nuff said.

There's an old guy sitting by a fireplace holding a brandy snifter. He introduces himself as Paul Hogan. Ew. I thought he aged badly when he drove his Subaru Outback around the Outback until his skin looked like a crocodile hide, but now he looks like the Burl Ives snowman in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". He explains that he's the butler and goes over the premise again for the folks who haven't caught it the first 8,327 times we've had it explained to us up to this point. Then the camera pans to a tiny cricket sitting by the fire, who began to sing...

When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.

When money is in your dreams,
Nothing is quite what it seems.
When you wish upon a star,
The joke's on you.

Now, let's meet Evan.

Evan: Me like dirt. Me like power.

We get to watch Evan play with his life-sized Tonka toys in his jumbo sandbox. Then we meet Evan's friend, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Evan is so cool. On my first day, he told me he'd let me run all of the heavy equipment. That told me what kind of guy he is.

Uh, handing over the keys to a stranger? Yeah, it tells me about him too.

Evan: I like to work construction, eat fast food, and drink beer.

Nice to see you have goals.

Evan: I've been dating since I was 15, and I still haven't found a girl.

WTF? I don't want to know what you've been dating all of that time. No wonder he's single.

Time for Snobby Boy Boot Camp, where they're trying to bake an upper crust on Joe. First stop? The butler, for a wine exercise. Now, my idea of a wine exercise is: open a bottle of wine, drink, repeat. But the butler plays nobody's favorite game, Red or White. Play along at home (answers are in invisotext):

Steak? Duh, red.
Quail? White.

Now it's time for the etiquette lesson. INSTAPOLL!!!!

When a scary older woman offers her hand, what do you do? Choices, per Evan:
a) Lick it
b) Kiss it
c) Shake it

No wonder he's single. Evan chose a combination of A & B. After wiping off his slobber, he learned that the correct answer was indeed C. Then after a waltzing lesson and a shot of Evan dancing with himself, we got the second round of Red or White.

Lamb? Red.
Foie gras? What's that?

No wonder he's single. Then he and the Butler Doughboy planned strategy while the Miss Clueless Golddigger competition began. Let's begin the parade. And what would a parade be without clowns? In this case, we have some extremely sissified footmen driving the girls in two by two.

Girl #1: OhmyGod! It's a freakin' chateau!
Girl #2: OhmyGod! I can't believe I'm here! I feel like a princess!
Girl #1 (confessional): I definitely expect to marry a man with a large...paycheck.
Girl #2 (confessional): At this point in my life, I'm desperate for a man to save me from my miserable life because...
...I live in a pit.
...Because I had a plan to be married by the time I was 23, and damn it, I'm 24!
...I'm tired of paying for dates because I've been going out with cheap men.

Repeat 10 times. I'm not wasting the space. They were introduced too quickly for me to take down all of their names, but just do what I do - when in doubt, call her Melissa.

While Evan is continuing his wine interrogation, the girls are moving in, screeching, and knocking over lamps. I think Melissa did it. One of the other girls (Melissa?) says, "You break it, you buy it."

Hmmm...seems to me these girls think about money a lot.

Final wine quiz, so please swirl your wine and answer...Salmon?
Hint: Evan thought red wine for red fish. Don't follow him there. You don't want to follow this guy down a mental path.

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