I want to begin by just touching on something that you should be mindful of before reading my Episode 6 summary. Hear me out. By now, everyone on these boards knows that I think Tom Westman is easily the greatest Survivor ever, as well as the coolest person alive. Odds are pretty high that he’s never gonna read this, because he’s busy catching sharks, smooching his wife, rescuing people from burning buildings, being classy, doing really cool stuff with his kids, or selflessly helping someone less fortunate. Think what you will, I think he’s awesome, and he's already heard that from me.
But why the heck am I bringing this up? Because some of you remember my early Reality TV World days, where I was anything but nice when I talked about Tom. I hated the way they edited him in the season’s first half – they made him look bossy, irrational, and oblivious to the game. It took awhile for things in Palau to unfold. The same goes for here in Guatemala. Opinions change. We are at the point in the season where things are uncertain. Unfortunately, in order for new winners and to be crowned, the remaining contestants in the game must be bashed, pushed to the limit and put through the gauntlet a couple of times, which allows us to appreciate those that survive these tongue-lashings all the more.
So, with that said, I have prepared a rather lengthy summary. Do yourself a favor, and grab some popcorn, a Sam Adams, a comfortable chair, and read what I have written. You will not be disappointed. Enjoy.
Previously on StephVivor:
• Brian wasted 3 minutes of my life biitching about Blue States vs. Red States. In doing so, he cemented his role in my memory as the most annoying person ever picked to play “Survivor”.
• Jamie couldn’t cut rope. Stephenie’s tribe lost Reward, making her cry.
• Jamie rolled his eyes.
• For winning the Reward Challenge, Mark Burnett rewarded Yaxha with a crocodile-proof swimming pool, wooden deck, minibar, poolside furniture, stainless steel grill, slurpee machine, bumper-pool table, and regulation-size beach volleyball court.
• Stephenie called BobbyJon a homo.
• Lydia did the Pancake. Stephenie’s tribe won Immunity, making her cry.
• Blake, my pick to win this whole damn thing, spewed too much info about his girlfriend’s melons. Brian set out on a mission to purge Blake from the new Yaxha, and although Blake didn’t think he’d be heaved, he was booted. All puns intentional.
Cue opening credits and squeaking Guatemalan flutes...
Music starts: Oy ee ah ooooh ee ah ay yah ooooh ee oh ee oh eee yaa haa, ... and so on. Flashing pictures of players I either dislike or through editing, have never seen before, as well as some animals that live about 500 miles away from the filming site. And somewhere in those opening credits, a nice sequence of Cindy’s wet butt... moving. Soaking wet. And so squeezable. Mmmmmm. Cindy’s wet butt. Mmmmmmmm...... This euphoria is ruined by images of creepy masks made out of construction paper, finger paint, and Elmer’s school glue. Wait a minute, I’m gonna call Mark Burnett’s bluff here. The Mayans were waaaay too advanced to make masks resembling pieces of garbage like that.
But as for Cindy’s wet butt, it’s moments like this that I wish I had TiVo, so I could record that 5-second sequence and replay it over and over and over. But dreams like being able to afford things like TiVo are high hopes for broke college guys like me, who financially struggle when even purchasing a $0.08 pack of beef-flavored ramen noodles from Walmart.
We are welcomed with images of a burning wood, and lots of it. Hey, did they bring Butch from the Amazon season back to burn down Yaxha? Brandon starts off by talking about how surprised he was that Blake was voted off. We see him asking BoobyJon about this down by the dock. Yes, BoobyJon. I need to explain something here. I have a condition, caused by a few recessive genes and shared by many other male members of these message boards, that causes me to type “Booby” instead of “Bobby”. You can tell what’s on my mind.
So BoobyJon answers Brandon with some classic verbal diarrhea, saying he “had” to vote out Blake. Brandon’s confused. Yeah, I also fail to see his logic. In a confessional, Brian says that voting out Blake was kind of like a “Get Out of Jail Free Card” for him, Gary, and Amy. Damn. I hate it when people like Brian come on the show so that they can use hackneyed, non-funny catch phrases like that. Okay Brian, we get it, you pulled an upset last night. Great. If I ended up on a tribe with Brian on Survivor, my luxury item would be a phonebook of the entire New York City greater Metropolitan Area, and I’d strike Brian across the face with it every time he opened his mouth.
We move over to Nakum, where in the trees we see Judd, um... I mean, a howler monkey scratching himself. Jamie’s rolling his eyes, and is now having his 12th consecutive day of PMS. Jamie and Judd, who we can affectionately refer to as the A-Hole Alliance, are whining about mosquitoes buzzing in their ears. Stephenie says the mosquitoes are gay and retarded. Zookeeper Cindy gives us some insight about the circadian rhythms and adult life cycle of the mosquitoes. Some Nakumers, particularly Judd, point out that Margaret has been negative and antisocial. Well, if I was stuck with the same Lionel Richie-esque hairstyle that Margaret has, I’d be pretty negative and antisocial, too.
Margaret points out that she used to be much higher on the food chain than she is now after this tribal switchup. It appears food has become so scarce that they’ve all resorted to cannibalism. Now this doesn’t seem right to me at all. If I was on Nakum and hungry, I would put Judd at the top of that list. Just look at him – there’s enough beef tenderloin on Judd to feed the entire nation of Guatemala for 39 days.