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Survivor: Guatemala - Episode 100, Part 9 Summary

'Your Fifteen Minutes Seconds Are Up' By Estee
Original Airdate: December 11, 2005

{Freeze frame.}

{DANNI has just won the title of Sole Survivor, a million pre-tax dollars, and a car that she'd have to give away to someone else if CINDY had done the sensible thing. And who would the recipient of that free car be? Anyone but CINDY, because that's the way the world works. You do the right thing and you get punished for it. You do the wrong thing and you get punished for it. You do nothing and -- aw, you guessed. STEPHENIE did many things and was punished for all of them, which is why security is gently pulling the knife away from her throat and assuring her that a little blood will just make her look all the better on camera. DANNI is being mugged by the many, many members of her family, all of whom are telling her that they have a better claim on the million dollars than she does because they raised her, nurtured her, paid the entrance fees to all those beauty pageants, and by the way, there's a little thing called 'compound interest' that she may have never heard of, but it's going to be a major part of her billing cycle from now on. And Pepe's last words stand frozen on the screen, the baton hanging in mid-air, waiting for the pass.}

{I made the sad mistake of bringing this season into the world, and that means I have to be the one to take it out. It's partially a karmic responsibility. But mostly, it's a punishment. I've been bad. I've been evil. I have done things that can only be balanced by making me deal with the Weavers. And now I get eighteen returned DAWs, their host, The Ego That Walks Like A Man And Dresses Like A Chimp, and the occasional bit of never-been-seen-and-still-not-cared-about footage.}

{The season is over. The competition is over. All the interesting stuff has once again completely failed to happen. Now it's time for idiocy to be falsely justified, egos to be stroked, makeovers to be shown off, and quotes to be very roughly paraphrased.}

{*sigh* I've got the baton, Pepe. Go rest. They're mine from here.}

{All mine.}

{Roll camera on three, two, one...}

Jeff: 'Once again, an existing alliance was too stupid to kick out the last member of the minority group, and once they let her turn herself into Miss Swing Vote Of 2005, their fate was sealed. What is that, two out of the last three? Why do we keep letting the people who've actually watched this show get voted out before the merge? As you can see, the ones with some faint idea of how to play this game are now coming in behind me, and if you could just smell the fear, desperation, and stink of failure, you would have known they were coming hours ago. That's right: all eighteen members of our most hopeless cast yet will be together on this stage, live for your amusement, and don't even think about giving the thumbs-up to spare someone. I am your Emperor and I have not been amused. Now if you'll excuse me, we have to go promote those extra (censored) cars and I have to go snuff Steph's torch again. It's the second time I've snuffed it in eight days and I'm really started to get used to the idea. Did I just say that out loud?'

{The screen goes to commercial just as MARK enters screaming from the right side of the stage, desperately trying to get his hat over JEFF's face. When we return, a slightly shocked-looking group of RECENTLY RENOURISHED IDIOTS have taken their seats, and a somewhat bruised JEFF is in his accustomed place. The amazing, astonishing, not-available-in-any-store ClipCam plays the moments when DANNI bought herself an immunity advantage at auction, which was only one hundred times more than Incognito9 paid for that kissing booth visit, and follows that up with the moment of shock, dismay, and awe when DANNI used it at the challenge, marking the first time in series history that JEFF said 'Worth playing for?' and had the sincere answer be something other than 'No, moron, we're just out here to get away from the bugs for half an hour.'}

Jeff: 'Welcome back to the final auditions for my bunkmate partner. You have no idea how many little doses it took before Julie told me it was okay to hold an open tryout. Danni, we just watched you basically buy your way into the endgame, which was an entirely new concept to me because I didn't know you could do that sort of thing on the vertical. You paid two hundred dollars for that envelope and got a million-dollar vote eight days later. By my math, that's a five hundred thousand percent return on your investment.'

Danni: 'Um, Jeff... as a sports talk show host, I'm really good at calculating illegal payoffs on the fly, and for your figures to be correct, I would have had to pay only two dollars for the envelope...'

Jeff: 'Do you have the check yet?'

Danni: 'No.'

Jeff: 'Then it's five hundred thousand percent.'

Danni: 'Yes. Yes, sir.'

Jeff: 'They can be taught! Now you needed that envelope because you were basically gone that night without it, and no one ever looked for the second mini-immunity idol we hid in the camp.'

Danni: 'Everyone lost interest once we realized it was in Judd's pants. Including Judd. So I needed that clue, especially because I'm really bad at puzzles. Anything physical I'm okay at, as long as it doesn't involve strength, dexterity, or having any muscles covering my skeleton, but mental stuff? I've spent the last thirty years getting by on my looks and my idiot savant grasp of the infield fly rule. I do mental stuff like Judd making a speech.'

Jeff: 'You mean 'Like Judd reading the speech we spent a week writing for him.' Forty straight hours of electroshock and he still couldn't get through it without fumbling! Plus I lost power to my Jacuzzi for a whole day... So did you make any move in this game that was based on intelligence, or was it all just dumb luck?'

Danni: 'I'd like to think I had a brain cell fire on the night I got rid of Rafe, but I'd like to be able to think, period, so it's kind of hard to tell when it's actually happening.' {The camera moves to RAFE for a moment, who has the same deer-in-headlights look he sported for most of the endgame. A deer with a really short attention span.} 'At least I got rid of that confessional-hogging, friend-making, jury-winning red-headed nightmare while I had the chance.'

Jeff: 'And I thank you from the bottom of my 'How do I dramatically stretch out a 7-0 vote?' theoretical heart. Rafe, you had a deal! Danni was going to take you to Final Two, and you released her from it! What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? Did you have a heterosexual moment and find yourself with a sudden attraction to bone structure? What?'

Rafe (dazed, rocking from side to side, pupils contracted to pinpoints): 'Steph is God... Steph is God... We must have God in all things and all Final Two groupings... I am not worthy... not worthy...'

Jeff (musing): 'I wonder what it would be like to reach the end of a season and not have the contestants drugged out of their minds... Danni, during one of our private conferences in my tent, you told me you actually decided to get rid of Rafe during the last challenge, whether he released you from your promise or not. Why doesn't this make you just another backstabbing player who got lucky at the right moment?'

Danni: 'Backs? Stabbing? Where? Please, please, please let me stab someone in the open! You know what sucks about the Vecepia Road? There's no places to dump bodies until you reach the rest stop! I was a stealth bomber! They never knew I'd blown them up until I'd finished deluding myself into believing I was behind everything that happened instead of coasting through most of the game and taking advantage of a few last-second breaks! And now my family's already claimed the whole million, pre and post-tax, I'll never see a penny of it, and I don't even have blood on my hands! Blood, comforting blood... Oh, please say I can come back next season! Please,

Jeff? Wasn't I good to you? Didn't my rib cage tickle you in that way you like so much?'

Jeff: 'Umm... movingontosomeoneelsenow... Gary! That's right, Gary! She said 'bomb' or something like it, and you sucked at throwing the bomb, so it's a more-or-less natural segue! Now, I know for a fact that Danni never played this game, and I have a book full of interesting numbers that says you had a minus eight thousand percent quarterback rating or something like that, so that means you can't play this game, or that game, or any game, including Scrabble, which explains why Martha doesn't like you. Give me a little 'won't versus can't' comparison, landscaper!'

Gary: 'Jeff, just curious here -- did you negotiate your own contract extension?'

Jeff: 'Yes, I did. I get the cosign of pi every season with a option for all the factorials of negative two.'

Gary: 'O-kay... Well, personally speaking, I do find the rib cage to be the most sexy part of a woman's body, so I may have missed any actual game play conducted by my new partner on the Danni & Gary Show, coming to you from 1 to 6, that's drive-time, people, on Kansas City 610 AM and podcast all over the world!'

Jeff: 'I may not speak to you again for the rest of the night. Rafe, there were times in the game when you seemed morally conflicted. Do I backstab someone myself or have Steph do it for me? Do I invite Steph along on another reward challenge or do I actually eat something myself for once? Do I avoid the wrath of the Mayan gods by not eating the chicken, or do I recognize that they hate me anyway for desecrating their jungle with my DAW presence, scream 'protein!', and fight Steph for the last bits of marrow in the bones? And then you took away Danni's one and only opportunity for a direct, non-stealth backstab in this game. Look at Danni. She's so depressed, her hips are fusing. Don't you feel the least bit guilty about that?'

Rafe: 'Hare Krishna, Krishna Hare. Would you like a flower, sir?'

Jeff: 'Recognizing in advance that I am now completely wasting my time and we're only going through with this because the damn teleprompter won't get off the next question I'm supposed to ask you: did your performance in the physically-oriented challenges surprise you at all?'

Rafe: 'See Brokeback Mountain, coming soon to a theater near you!'

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