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Survivor: Guatemala - Episode 3 Summary

'Live?' By Coconut
Original Airdate: September 29, 2005

Last week on Survivor: Whatchamacallit - the Idjit Empire...

Yaxha's misfits bonded into one happy family. Blake puked up his colon, yet mysteriously managed to lead in the challenges AND catch a fish. Lydia showed her worth by procuring minnows for everyone. MB developed yet another form of mud wrestling. Gary lied ineptly about his previous occupation. Morgan and her zits were surprise-booted into the jungle. Oh, the drama.

And yet, when I think about this week's episode, I envy the action-packed material strid333 had for her Episode 2 summary. The stupidity is thin on the ground here, and I'm starting to wish I were either dead or Estee. As it is, I may have to, er, embellish a little here and there, but I promise to keep it within the guidelines.

Hey! You! Stop laughing!

No Habla Fishwife

After numerous filler shots of macaws, which are obviously the Mayan symbol for "very boring events", we see Lydia rampaging through the jungle, snapping trees and...

Okay, she's actually gathering wood in a very ostentatious fashion. It may or may not be in real time with the muscle boys flaked out in the shelter, but it certainly is in keeping with every single short old survivor lady. (Pat? We hardly knew you.) She is counting on the Hard Worker label to keep her off the chopping block in future.

Well, that and antagonizing Brianna into the ground. There is some lovely stilted footage of the two of them sitting stiffly side by side, like irritable cats, trying to make nice to each other. Burnett is sure losing his touch; in other seasons, there'd have been a catfight already. Surely he's not unaware of the term "fishwife"? What was he thinking, casting a polite fishmonger?

Or, for that matter, what was he thinking casting Brian? I think this guy has a purely caffeinated bloodstream; every time we see him, he's making enough gestures for three other people. In this particular shot, he's taking full credit for engineering Morgan's boot. Shortly afterwards, we see him pumping Lydia up and telling her how everyone is on her side. With subtitles. Excellent advertisement for the Ivy League right there, I'd say.

"None of the Other Monkeys Will Answer Him"

Howler Monkey: Hey! Down there! It's Uncle Frank!
Judd: I haven't been able to sleep for a week. Stupid monkeys!
Howler Monkey: Uncle Frank! How the hell are you?
Judd: Can you believe these monkeys? That noise is so annoying!
Blake (at least I think it's Blake. It's hard to tell when he's face up and mouth closed): Yeah, buddy. Whatever.
Howler Monkey: Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank? It's me, Bubba! What, you can't hear me?
Female Howler Monkey: That's what whitening cream will do to a guy.

The howler monkeys' family reunion is getting mixed reviews over at Nakum. Judd wants nothing to do with them, though that doesn't seem to be mutual, while Cindy points out that many people would pay for the privilege of being kept awake by large noisy primates. My guess is that she doesn't have a husband that snores.

Anyway, according to Judd, Cindy is Dr. Doolittle and the monkeys make the most annoyingest sound in the world. Snoring husband aside, anyone want to guess what I think is annoying?

a. Judd
b. Blake
c. Danni
d. People who massacre superlatives

The answer? All of the above, thank you. And they think Brian needs subtitles.

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