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Survivor: Palau - Episode 13 Summary

'Yes, Mistress' By Coconut
Original Airdate: May 12, 2005

Last week , on Suvivor: Boring Islands of Fat Castaways, Caryn was on the hot seat and Katie was Ian's girl (Wait? Aren't I Ian's girl? Oh, no, wait. According to International Relationship Statute 643, girls with poutine guts can't date dolphin trainers they outweigh. Oh well. If I can't have him, Katie can't either. Back off, Blondie).

We then had the lamest family challenge in the history of Survivor, which is really saying something. Couldn't we have at least seen someone walk the plank?

Finally, Greggg was eliminated by the Extraneous Letter Squad and was barely restrained from winking into the camera while saying his parting words. His departure left Jennn a serious target, most especially because her remaining brain cell imploded trying to comprehend the masterful strategy that brought down The Plan.

Huh What?

After brief rodent footage, juxtaposed with people stumbling back from Tribal, we get Jenn sitting in broad daylight yammering about how Gregg was her strength, her rock, her comfort.
Translation? "Well, at least he knew where the G-spot was."

Then, inexplicably, we are back in the dark, where Ian, beginning his long descent down the Spiral of Stupidity into Eunuch Hell, tries to buy Jenn off with the comment that the vote was "nothing personal." By preserving her carefully neutral exterior, she manages to fool him into thinking that she's a smooth operator. Really, though, at that time she hadn't realized yet that the G-man was gone. She was still stuck on trying to recognize Coby without his gorilla beard.

Strike Me Out

When morning comes, each of the remaining men grabs his puppet closest female ally and tries to hammer out a deal. Tom is proving marvellously persuasive to Caryn, who looks about ready to pull a Helen and do anything that King Brian Manly Man Tom is asking her to do. Which, basically is settle for third place (hey, it's an upgrade from sixth!). He's contemplating switching alliances and dumping the Fattest Survivor Ever Katie, because she's wavered. Caryn is all for it, but isn't sure that Katie's going to go for it.

Meanwhile, Ian, trapped lying in the hammock with a blonde on either side of him, is plotting to oust Caryn, and wavering on his alliance with Tom. From the stupid comments he's dropping, you can see that Katie is building up a full head of steam about something.

Finally, at the end of the sales talk strategy session, we see Tommm (agh! It's contagious!) exhorting Caryn to join with himself and Ian, because "with the girls, you'll be in third." A little rich, no? Tom's been offering Caryn the lowest possible finish every time, and he wants her to take third from HIM. It's a wonder she's taking this. It must be his something I probably can't say on here without being spanked by Webby piercing blue gaze.

Dammit, People, It's NOT FOR PLURALS

Okay, I was really going to go through this without mentioning any commercials, but what in heaven's name is wrong with the Chevy dealers of Newfoundland and Labrador? Chevy's On Sale? Could you look any more moronic? I am seriously thinking of writing a strongly worded letter to these punctuation-impaired asshats. Can't they even have their ads edited? Couldn't a fraction of the sale price of one of their gas-guzzling monsters go to someone who could tell them that their ad makes them look bloody stupid?

Sorry. Let's return to our regularly-scheduled asshats, shall we?

Asshats R Us

When Tom and Ian go for treemail, they make the astonishingly intelligent decision that, in the surprising event that one of them wins the reward challenge, they will take a girl with them in order to break up the Blonde Alliance. Each, naturally, is pushing for his particular puppet. Tom claims that Caryn will be a "loose cannon" if she's left with the other girls, while Ian pushes for the ever-trustworthy Katie. Ian also makes the very perspicacious comment that the better salesman will carry the day in terms of which blonde will finish (O, the hubris) in third place.

To round out his insightful comments, Ian remarks that he is standing on the edge of a cliff and he'd better put on his parachute. To which I reply with the cheap joke that, if Katie is his parachute, he most certainly won't get blown away, but he might get a roll in the hay.

And that's the closest I get to fat jokes, people. I have no leeway to throw stones.

From Zero to Sixty Without A Clue

The famous Car Curse is now up for grabs as the reward challenge swings (creaks, rather) onto our screen. Though it's nice to see they found a way to recycle the TAR boats, I'm confused by the instructions to "retrieve a bag." I thought Katie was playing.

Anyway, as per usual, Ian and Tom are neck-and-neck, with Jennn in the middle and Caryn and Katie fighting it out for last place. Tom dives in the water. The girls get into traffic jams. Ian knows his geography and wins the penis car. *yawn*

Since Ian is now under the Car Curse, his descent down the Spiral of Stupidity is accellerated. Number one: Invite Tom on the reward, even though they carefully decided beforehand that inviting a girl was the strategic thing to do.

The PLAN! He's messing with the PLAN! It started with meee, now it's moving on to Tommm, and next.. what next? Pretty soon Ian will be hooking up with Cobbby and taking over the WORLDDD if they're not careful! Please, people, stick with the PLAN!!!!111!!!!

Excuse us. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by while we remove Gregggg from last weeek's summmmary from this postttt. Thankkkk yoooou.

The only thing more disturbing than Ian screwing up this way is that Tom is starting to refer to himself in the third person. That scares me. It makes me think that he might be some megalomaniac bent on controlling those around him and taking over the island.

Oh. Never mind.

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