Previously on The Apprentice: Rob & Amber finished in first place, Sly Stallone gave a rose to Kirstie Alley, Ty Pennington built a detention center for model wannabes, who had to call Nanny 911 to control Tyra Banks. And Paris and Jessica decided to Wife Swap.
Damn, reality TV is getting saturated… yet monotonous and predictable. Thank God for Lost.
Now previously on Survivor: Janu quit. Stephenie realized she had no allies. Tom told the tribe he’s really strong and probably ought to be eliminated. The perenially doomed women’s alliance began to form and died a quick death. Tom promised Caryn sixth place. Ian won immunity. Katie promised Caryn a spot in the final four. Fourth place is too scary for Caryn, who told Tom everything. Ian and Tom discovered Katie is a backstabbing hellspawn. Gregggg convinced the others to stick to Plan Nine From Outer Space. Steph got sent back to Joisey.
Oh yeah, those were the good old days.
This episode? It’s a piece of crap. The highlight: Gregggg gets excited when another man touches his ass. No, really. There were no highlights, just a lot of stupid, stupid ideas that masquerade as strategy, a.k.a. The Plan. Any real players would fillet this group of bozos. God, I effin HATE this episode, this season, this show, and Evil Pecker Mark Burnett. There is one sole moment of solid game play, but the real highlight of the show is the opening credits, where we get to ogle Ashlee and lament for Wanda, who would have at least added some music to this funeral.
The show opens on Day 31, when the Korroribles wake up and realize that Stephenie is no Ulonger around. It’s time to turn on each other for survival.
Tom confesses that he is surprised to still be here. Despite his explicit message that he is the biggest obstacle to the others winning the game, they failed to vote against him when they had the chance. He says he wouldn’t have made that mistake. Neither would 96 other people who’ve played this game, but Tom is riding along on the Short-Bus Survivor.
Now that only six people remain, Caryn recalls she made a deal for sixth place. She tries to convince Tom to leave his alliance of five and join her in an alliance of two. He tells her she’s screwed unless she wins immunity. She reminds Tom that sweaty lovers Gregggg and Jennnn are a strong alliance of two, and thus a consonant threat to Tom’s vowel-dominant alliance with Ian and Katie. But Caryn knows she’s screwed. She can only be saved if someone else does something incomprehensibly idiotic. I guess you know where this is going.
Tom and Caryn collect the treemail, which announces the Reward Challenge.
It promises some sort of pampering, which Ian really wants. He’s promised to share any reward challenge with Katie and he calls her “My Girl.” I prefer to call her the “snobby immature bovine remora clinging to the juvenile attention-starved dolphin geek.” Sadly, Ian is still young, and doesn’t recognize this creature as a parasite.
They all arrive at the beach for the good old “pecking order” challenge, where contestants work to eliminate each other. Invariably, the controlling alliance slaps the outsiders down into the mud, where they in turn foment an insurrection. The only thing you win in this challenge is resentment, which usually leads to a quick exit. (And if they’d had this challenge last week, Stephenie would still be here. Caryn, you suck too.)
This Survivor staple is combined with the Indigenous Trivia Contest, where contestants get to answer multiple choice questions about the fabulous locale. Here’s a brief rundown of the events (with some professional editing to increase clarity):
Jeff: Welcome to the Stupid Game Show part of our stupid game show. I’m gonna ask questions. Grab your large cubes. Very nicely done, Jennnn, but I said “cubes.”
Here are the rules: If you get a question correct, you can bitchslap Caryn. Then you flip one of these phallic levers and watch someone’s little torch drop toward the water. Last person remaining gets the reward. For the reward, you get a shower, a massage from Nicole Delma, enough booze and food to give you serious cramps, and you’ll spend the night in a cramped cabin aboard the S.S. Osten.
First question… Palau is actually an anagram for which American Idol judge?
A) Randy B) Paula C) Simon D) Corey Clark.
It is D, and everyone is correct.
Tom is first to start the “nastiness” and hits Gregggg. Jenn slaps Caryn. Ian slaps Caryn. Caryn hits Katie. Gregggg hits Tom. Katie eliminates Caryn. Caryn goes off and sits on the bench to rethink that final four women’s alliance thing from a few days ago.
Second question… In the early days of Palau, stones were used as money. How much did Heidi’s implants weigh?
A) 5 pounds B) 10 pounds C) 100 pounds D) More than Big Tom’s family.
Tom is the only one to get this correct. Recognizing the challenge’s real intention, he cleverly pulls Ian’s lever, thereby keeping their alliance a secret.
Third question… The islands of Palau are in the North Pacific Ocean and which other body of water?
A) Indonesian Delta B) The Bay of Guam C) A stream of Vermont urine.
Everybody is right. Tom hits Jennnn to level the playing field. Jennnn hits Tom right back. Ian eliminates Tom. Tom goes and sits next to Caryn and promises her sixth place. Greg promises to save Katie if she’ll skip him, and then goes and hits Ian. Katie contemplates eliminating Ian, and asks if he would hate her. He emphatically answers yes. She flips him off. Ian is hurt and shocked that his girl could be so cruel.
Fourth question… Palau lies in which direction relative to the equator?
A) My relatives hate me, and only my friends will come to the equator. B) My relatives hate me, and would force my brother-in-law to come to the equator. C) My relatives hate me, but Rupert’s wife will go anywhere for some salacious grinding.
Gregggg and Katie are correct. Gregggg has a choice between hitting Katie, whom he promised to protect, or Jennnn, with whom he promised to use protection. Being the man that he is, he meekly asks Jennnn if she’d be mad. Her knees snap together. Jeers ensue from Jeff, Ian and Tom. Gregggg hits Katie. She’s angry, and hits him back.
Fifth question… True or False? Paula was the first American Idol judge to get “stamped” by Elvis?
Gregggg and Jennnn answer correctly. Katie is wrong. Jennnn eliminates Katie. Gregggg hits Jennnn.
Last question… Some Survivor contestants have a special ability. Is it:
A) Build fire. B) Build shelter. C) Provide food. D) Flaunt their surgically enhanced and mostly naked lean young flesh in front of libidinous boneheads, thereby assuring their continued participation in the game so long as hormones exist?
Jennnn gets this wrong. Gregggg gets it right, eliminates Jennnn, and wins the reward. Jeff gives him the opportunity to choose someone else to share the reward.