Last week on ‘Survivor’, the dolphin trainer provoked some sharks and the athletic trainer got injured. Read Sami’s summary for more details. It’s more interesting than the episode.
We begin this week’s episode back at the U-Wrong camp after tribal counsel with that dismal night photography we’ve all come to know and dread. The math geniuses are discussing how they have fewer people now that they all rolled over and one fell out. Staph-Infection can’t believe the other team has more people. Dim is bummed that her personal trainer is gone. Bobby Jon uses his fingers to count how many people are on his tribe. Angie looks even freakier in the dark. Lame threatens to hurt anyone that loses another challenge. Ibrehunk rolls his eyes.
Tree mail. Choose a person Preferably one with a brain You’ll live with their choices For the rest of the game.
U-Wrong is farmisht. They can’t decide who to pick. They go fishing. Apparently, even though there is only one Hawaiian sling, it takes 6 people to go fishing. The whole tribe gets into the boat and heads out to sea. They catch a small fish. Angie exclaims, “We found Nemo!” Too bad they didn’t catch Bambi. Then they could have a barbeque.
Over at Horror, the group finds the tree mail to be very interesting. Ian immediately says, “I nominate Gregg, he’s a real mensch.” Gregg blushes and kvells, “I nominate Ian, he’s been our go-to guy so far.” Coby wants to go. Greg insists Ian is the decision maven. Coby says, “I wanna go.” Ian and Gregg continue to stroke each other. Coby still wants to go, or at least he wants in on the stroking.
The love-fest is interrupted by Jiffy showing up in a motorboat sponsored by Home Depot. He asks who the tribe has chosen, and Ian steps forward. Jiffy tells him to choose 6 tools. Ian chooses Gregg, Tom, Coby . .. . Jiffy interrupts and says he means CARPENTRY tools. “Oy, that’s a little different,” says Ian.
Today’s challenge is to build a bathroom. The tribe with the best bathroom will win a shelter built by the construction crew that builds the challenges. I really hope TLC’s Carter Oosterhaus and Danjumbo guy with the accent are on the crew.
Jiffy leaves Horror with their supplies and heads over to U-Wrong. They are out in the boat. Jiffy asks them who they’ve picked. “The big words in the tree mail left us all verklempt,” says Dim.
“Just pick somebody” says Jiffy in a huff.
They pick Lame. Lame, his schnoz and his underwear all get on the boat with Jiffy. Jiffy explains the challenge and leaves U-Wrong with their supplies.
I need to take a moment here. Isn’t this the tribe that won the fabric and sewing materials? Why hasn’t anyone made some kind of schmata to cover up this guy’s underwear?
Over at Horror, the bathroom building is well underway. They decide to build a unisex, so “we’ll all go together when we go.” They build a yellow brick road leading to their bathroom and Coby skips off singing, “We’re off to take a wiz, a wonderful, wonderful wiz”.
Lame (only Lame) hears a voice from the sky, “IF YOU BUILD IT HE WILL COME.”
Lame is crying tears of joy. “I’m going to build a toilet bowl like my dad had. A Ferguson, the king of bowls, the Stradivarius of toilets. My dad could play it like a violin.”
Lame directs the crew through the construction of the bathroom. Staph asks a question and is told not to worry her pretty little head about the “man stuff”. Angie is mad that the guys are playing with their tools. Ibrehunk rolls his eyes. Bet nobody predicted this – Dim sits around doing nothing, complaining about how hard it is to live with people who do all the work. Then, complains to Staph that she’s tired and hungry.
Lame allows the girls to decorate the shower curtain and sink area.
Finally the toilet is finished. Lame sits on it. “Now I have a Ferguson of my very own. I just wish Dad could be here,” he sobs. “Oh look Dad, I’m sitting on my own Ferguson, just like you always knew I would.”
Jiffy and the construction guy arrive at Horror to inspect the bathroom. Paul Newman, I mean Tom, leads them on a tour. “We decided not to cover the top part of the bathroom so we can watch for the enemy while we go,” he says. Then he shows them the fancy-schmancy spritzing area with the adjustable showerhead. Ian sets it on ‘pulsate’.
After shaking the structure to test its sturdiness, Jiffy and the construction guy leave.
On to U-Wrong, where Lame is 100% certain that his Ferguson will be the envy of all Pulau. First Lame shows Jiffy and the construction guy the sink area with the vase of flowers and toothbrush holder. “I don’t know nuttin’ ‘bout this washin’ stuff cuz I’s a redneck,” he says, “but wait ‘til you git a look at the Ferguson!”
He takes them over to the toilet. ‘For a good time call Jeff Probst’ is carved into the toilet seat. “Oh sh!t, Jerri’s been here,” thinks Jiffy, looking around to see where she might be hiding. “I hope they have the right number,” he says aloud, covering his worry.
The construction guy shakes the bathroom wall and he and Jiffy leave. Jiffy tells them, “If we haven’t come back by nightfall, we probably aren’t coming back.” Jiffy is so afraid that Jerri’s there, he isn’t coming back, even if the crew does.
Over at Horror, the Home Depot boat returns with a construction crew. They build a shelter, picnic table and deck. Sorry ladies, no close-ups of shirtless construction workers.
At U-Wrong, Lame and his underwear stand on the beach for several hours watching for the boat. The sun is beginning to set. “I know we won, they’ll be here any minute,” he says.
Ibrehunk breaks his 12 day period of silence and says, “We’re still holding out hope that we won. It’s not quite dark yet.” He rolls his eyes.
Back at Horror, the shelter is finished. Jiffy gives the tribe a box with a housewarming present. Booze.
Yipee! We’re finally going to get to know this tribe because they’re going to get drunk and let it all hang out. I’ll have enough material for 12 summaries with all the embarrassing things they’ll do! Bar mitzvah son and I high five. Finally, some real action. They’ve opened the bottle. Better start taking notes.
Ian and Tom dance. Ian dips Tom. That’s it? That’s all I get? We still haven’t seen enough of this tribe to even give them nicknames. What a ripoff. I’m so bummed I don’t even think to remark that Ian is on a tribe that has 4 women and a gay guy, but he chooses to dip the heterosexual, married fireman. I sure hope his mother isn’t counting on grandchildren.
Tree mail attached to some kind of pillow with handles. We need young mail viewers So we’ll set up a game That has women pushing To stay in the game. We’ll hold it near water So clothing gets wet. And with any luck We’ll have our best ratings yet.
Before the challenge begins, Jiffy puts Willard on a stump. My bad, it’s not Willard, it’s the immunity idol. The resemblance is uncanny. From now on, I’m calling the Idol Wee Willard, or WW. Seriously, the thing could be Williard’s Mini-Me.
The object of the challenge is to knock your opponent off the platform and into the water, pushing them with the pillow-thing. Both hands must be on the pillow-thing and you can’t kick the other person. The first team with 6 victories wins.
Tom and Bobby Jon go first. Now BJ is a young strapping boy, but Tom is a MAN. BJ puts up a decent fight, but you just can’t send a boy to do a man’s work. BJ hits the water and Horror wins the first point.
Next is Staph and Jenn. “East coast vs. West coast,” says Jiffy. If you say so Jiff. America has no idea who the little blonde is. Bar mitzvah son remarks that the blonde girl is pretty and he wishes they would show her more. Teenage boys and middle aged men all over America watch this match with interest while the rest of us nod off. Staph wins. Game is tied.
Gregg vs. Ibrehunk. Now it’s the women’s turn to drool. Ibrehunk drops his pillow. Gregg wins. Horror is ahead.
Angie vs. Caryn. Angie is a beast. Caryn weighs 90 pounds. Vegas has Caryn as a 3000 to 1 long shot. Any takers? Didn’t think so. Caryn ends up in the water faster than you can say “Freaky girl wins”. Game is again tied.
Lame vs. Coby. Redneck steelworker vs. flabby gay guy. My money says Lame by a nose. Good thing I’m not a betting woman. Coby wins.
Dim vs. Katie. Dim goes for a swim. Horror is up 4-2.
Rematch: Tom vs. Bobby Jon. Man bests boy again. Horror needs one more point to win.
Rematch: Staph vs. Jenn. Staph flips Jenn into the water upside down. 10 year old son finds this hilarious.
Rematch: Gregg vs. Ibrehunk. Hunk runs out and pushes Gregg in. Ibrehunk breaks his silence for the second time in one episode saying, “Get your tuchus off of there!” U-Wrong is still in this.
Rematch: Angie vs. Caryn. U-Wrong stays alive.
Rematch: Steelworker vs. Hairdresser. It took a little longer this time, but Coby wins again. U-Wrong headed back to TC.
Willard and Wee Willard are reunited. I’m beginning to think that the reason Horror keeps winning immunity is because WW has the ability to fix challenges and wants to be with his daddy.
Back at the U-Wrong camp, Lame suggests to Dim that they don’t even discuss their votes, just go to TC and write a name down. “I didn’t know you could write,” she says.
Staph and Angie kvetch about being on a tribe of schmucks. They wonder if they should vote to keep Dim so they can have an estrogenic majority.
Tribal Counsel. Jiffy wastes no time telling U-Wrong how pathetic they are.
“You got beat by a flabby gay guy! How does that feel?” he says to Lame.
Lame says, “Well ya know those guys hang around the gym all the time. That Coby’s got one heck of a tuchus behind him! I know cuz he knocked me on mine.”
“Twice,” notes Jiffy.
“Have you noticed the women are carrying your tribe so far?” asks Jiffy.
“These putzes haven’t noticed squat,” says Angie. They wouldn’t even let me hammer a nail. They think women are too delicate. Have you folks seen my tattoos? Obviously I’m no stranger to pain – Duh!”
“Since we been here I noticed women can be strong. These women here are as strong as men – and I don’t just mean their odor,” replies Bobby Jon.
Ibrehunk rolls his eyes.
“We’re stronger,” says Dim. I didn’t make this up. Ms. Sunbather Ohio actually said that!!!! Oy!
“This is drech!” kvetches Staph. “Angie and I are kicking butt while these yutzes fall on their faces!”
“Another question – how come it takes 6 people to go fishing? There’s only one Hawaiian sling. What do the rest of you do?” asks Jiffy.
“We just sit on the boat,” says Dim. She actually said this too. Somebody please smack her!!!!!
Ibrehunk rolls his eyes.
Time to vote
Dim, Lame, Dim, Dim, Dim, Dim
Bye bye Miss Ohio
Parting words: “I knew I was going because they don’t understand how smart I am to conserve my energy while they all work. I’m headed to Loser Lodge to get schtupped.”