LAST TIME ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: The final three were being voted on. Hutch the Asshole, Brian the Bland Guy, and Matt the Schmo stood in a line, waiting for the winner to be chosen.
TONIGHT ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: It’s down to the final three. Tonight, the riveting climax. And a shocking twist will be revealed causing Matt to yell “WhAt Is gOiNg On!?!” in a big house.
Then, opening credits. Then:
LAST TIME ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: The final three were being voted in. Hutch the—hang on.
SEVERAL EPISODES AGO ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Matt arrives at the show and forced to sleep in the same bed as a pretty woman. Actors slip up already, forgetting they’re supposed to pray and remember which underwear is theirs. Gina talks to Matt about voting and alliances, a subplot that quickly vanishes from the show completely. Gina’s plate is broken.
ONE LESS THAN SEVERAL EPISODES AGO ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Matt’s fierce skills of deduction determine that Gina voted for him. Ralph gives people pictures of himself, and Ashleigh is upset when Molly gets the only nude photo. Hutch wins the “talent” immunity and everyone votes for Earl for reasons never explained, and which Matt never questions. He just whines about it, completely unclear on the concept of a reality show in which people are voted off.
LATER ON TONIGHT’S JOE SCHMO SHOW: How will Matt react? Will he go “WhAt Is gOiNg On!?!” in a big house?
TUESDAY ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: See what critics are calling “A near perfect parody of a reality show.” And know why they are clearly paid off. Presumably, this is the pilot, which you can read about three paragraphs ago.
Then some commercials.
SOON ON YOUR NOKIA N-GAGE: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, apparently.
WHAT YOU COULD BE WATCHING ON FOX: “Arrested Development,” which is quite good.
BEFORE THE COMMERCIAL BREAK ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Matt whined. Earl left.
FIVE EPISODES AGO ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Dr. Pat goes to the hospital because—oh, screw this.
FOUR EPISDES AGO ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: No.
ON EPISODE FIVE OF THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Get on with it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: You know, you could at least splice in a little more new footage.
LAST TIME ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: The final three were being voted on. Hutch the—oh, no. Not falling for that again.
EARLIER THIS EPISODE ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: The final three were—Now look, here. Do you have any new footage this week at all? Is this just leading up to a cliffhanger where they have fifteen seconds of Dr. Pat’s vote, announcing a tie, TO BE CONCLUDED next week?
PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR: A new tribe, composed of the previously eliminated castaways, emerged to force both Morgan and Drake to go to Tribal Council separately on the same night and each vote out one tribe member.
NEXT TIME ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: Dr. Pat’s vote results in a tie, which—no, just kidding.
AFTER THE COMMERCIAL ON THE JOE SCHMO SHOW: “The big reveal. How will Matt react when he learns the truth?” I’ve got a hunch it involves yelling “WhAt Is gOiNg On!?!” in a big house?
Commercials. We have now spent more time watching the final episode of “The Joe Schmo Show” than the housemates spent in the house itself.
The housemates vote, reusing more footage from the last episode. Ashleigh the pitch votes for Hutch. Kippy Ricardo votes Matt. Molly votes for Brian because “he could always lighten the mood by opening up his mouth.” Presumably, this means his lungs are filled with helium, as he hasn’t really said anything intentionally funny during the entire series. In fact, the funniest Brian moment was the inexplicable blurring of his manboobs.
Gina votes for Hutch, surprising everyone as nobody remembers who she is. Earl votes for Matt because he’s “squared away and strack.” I have no idea what that means.
Dr. Pat explains her vote. The heartbeats on the soundtrack grow louder. Bad guitar music plays faster. The audience fully expects a cut to a commercial break.
But no! Dr. Pat votes! She votes for Hutch because he gave him three consecutive orgasms, making Hutch the winner of “Lap of Luxury.” Balloons fall down! Everyone cheers! This godforsaken nightmare of a show is over!
Oh, wait. Of course it’s not. Smarmy Host gets a message in his ear piece and stops the celebration. “Someone in this room is not who they say they are. Before we go any further, does anyone in this room have anything to say?” Tense music. Shots of everyone. Fast cutting. Matt looks depressed.
NEXT: THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING ALL SEASON FOR. Wow, and only forty-five minutes into the show.