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The Joe Schmo Show 1 - Episode 7 Summary

'Back From The Dead' By AMAI
Original Airdate: October 14, 2003

Previously on The Joe Schmo Show
The Hutch lawyered up and returned, surprising Matt and sickening Kip. The rest of us were expecting it, thanks to the stupid ads that spoiled the surprise even before Hutch had been booted out the first time. This show’s motto? “We’ll Do Our Own Spoiling, Thank You.”

Matt refused to eat dog feces to win plasma tvs. Think of the starving children in Africa, Matt! And all the folks who say they’d do ANYthing for flatscreen!!

Mr. Amai© doesn’t care about the dog do. He only wonders what Matt & The Fake Network Exec really talked about after they kicked out the Schmarmy Schmo Host (SchmHost for short.) I’m only beginning to think Matt really is the Exec, and nobody on this show realizes it. Put Mr. Amai© on the side of the conspiracy that figured from the beginning Matt is in on it.

Molly & Ashleigh shared the unsexiest kiss. Lips met but there was enough room between their bodies to fit Brian and Matt (in their dreams anyway.) When Kip and Molly got the boot, did anyone else wonder about Kip’s camera? I thought he’d be taking final photos for his Comforting Memories Album. “Me & My Plate” “Me & My Shining Knight in His Armor of Flab” “Me & Molly Get Shafted.” Snap, snap, snap. Guess they forgot that detail.

Let’s replay Molly sharing the slurper with SchmHost so we can reshow Matt’s patented “stunned beyond stupid.”

Previews of what’s coming up just spoil the recap. Bad enough they spoiled the show.

Plotting & Planning
Matt yaps in his usual daily interview, and we’re told he doesn’t know it’s the last day. How many days does he think are left? Meanwhile, cast & crew assemble in their van for all-important last-minute instructions. Director Dude tells everyone to not tip their hand. (And with guidance like that, it’s no wonder everyone screwed up.) Here’s a gem in the Vaguely Ominous Tidbit Without Substance Category: “A PA who wasn’t thinking and didn’t check where Matt was, brought someone in and nearly revealed all. It’s been corrected, just be careful.”

“Has been corrected” means they sent the PA to the Siberia of the TV industry (i.e., Toronto.) But who was the mysterious guy whose presence nearly ruined everything? How was it all explained to Matt? Why are they all coy and secretive now? Maybe it’s part of the Parody Process.

At lunch, Matt, Ashley and Hutch endure Brian Babble about sharing a frat closet with another guy for $125 total rent. Have you noticed it’s always Brian who’s interrupted by SchmHost? The Big News is after lunch there will be a Sudden Death Eviction. No Immunity Ceremony. No One Will Be Safe. Matt Over-Reacts As Usual.

Hutch and Brian together DR about how ill Matt looked. Brian says that next time, they should let a guy get a meal down before dropping a bomb like that. Why? So he has more to throw up? And why do we need DRs from the cast on this stuff? It’s got to be because it’s a double-cross, double-agent thing. Soon the Parody Tables Will Be Turning! Joke will be on the other foot!

Brian drops something, and surreptitiously leans over, picks it up and eats it. Eww. Aren’t they feeding them enough? Was that in the script? And if so, isn’t it something The Asshole would do, rather than The Buddy?

Ashley is called for her “interview” so the three guys start plotting. Matt says Ashley has a BMfuckingW, so she should get evicted. That reason sucks even on a parody of a reality show. Especially on a parody. Can’t they come up with some new reasons, new material? I guess it’s why the trillion ads say it’s a “near-perfect” parody.

Brian tells Hutch he doesn’t trust him as far as he can throw this house. Oh ha at the sly hint at “This House Of Cards."

Brian is “stolen” away for an "interview." Plotting music plays, so Hutch plots with Matt. Is it to make an alliance before Ashley goes or after? Does it even matter? Hutch tells Matt the friendship with Brian will continue no matter what, so it’s okay to boot out your Buddy. Matt appears to agree but seems ill. He tells us he’s ill. Hutch tells us Matt is ill. Can we get some more confirmation on this? I’m not sure we heard it enough yet.

Hutch DRs that even tho Matt hates his guts, he’s ready to break alliances to win. More pointless DRs from the cast! We’re being set up for sure.

As Ashley and Matt eat a lunch that looks like it came from an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, she takes a stab at forging an alliance. She complains about doing interviews. Matt says, “Imagine living it and talking about it for 5 months.” Mr. Amai© notices Matt rubbing his eyes like “Aw f#ck I shouldn’t have said that.” Ah-ha, more grist for the conspiracy mill.

Matt says he doesn’t think he’s gonna win the money. She whispers, “Who are you gonna vote for? You know who should vote for.” Matt miserably says, “Brian?” She nods and points out that they’re too close. “It is not about friendship. He’s not gonna be mad.” Right.

Matt says he feels ill. Thanks, I was joking. It was impossible to miss all the other 300 mentions. He doesn’t want to vote out his “boy.” Ashleigh says Brian’s not smart. Matt says Brian is smart and cue flashback of Brian displaying his intelligence by dropping his pants and jumping up & down.

“And Hutch,” continues Ashley, “works in a mall.” Matt replies that he himself works in a pizza shop. Hutch also isn’t that smart of a guy. “He’s smart,” says Matt and now he’s just whining. Ashley states, “There are two smart people left and they’re in this room right now.” Oh, you mean you and Matt. Haha.

Matt recraps what we just saw. He knows what he has to do. Why is he all vague all of a sudden? Every other week he spelled out what he was gonna do. Why so shy now?

Sudden Death Eviction
After ads, the four gather in the Riches to Rags Eviction Room. Enter SchmHost wearing the pimp immunity robe. Everyone looks shifty-eyed now. SchmHost makes his usual speech about Leaving High Society and Returning to Sad Existence Working For The Man. Mr. Amai© still laughs at that line. I laugh at him laughing but the line itself got old in Ep 2.

Camera pans over the 4 remaining plates. Hutch’s plate is glued together and there’s a green bit of something on his forehead. Now that is funny. Mr. Amai©: “What’s with Hutch’s sweatbands? How 70s.”

SchmHost: “None of you are safe because I’m wearing the robe. The votes can’t be changed, debated or overturned (unless your name is Hutch.) Choose wisely.”

Heartbeat drum music a la Survivor for the vote. Mr. Amai© reckons Brian the Buddy is toast. Tense Castlevania-type music plays for SchmHost to go collect the votes. For the vote reveal, it’s back to the Jungle Music. You know, the music is a subtle parody effect and I like it more than some of the blatant repetitious jokes.

Although her name isn’t spelled the same way twice on the scrunched up scraps of brown wrapping-paper votes, it’s goodbye B!tch. She voted for Matt and he gives her his Stunned Beyond Stupid Glare©

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