We met Matt Kennedy Gould, aka Joe Schmo, playing the part of the “unsuspecting hero”, aka the sacrificial puppy who will be humiliated for our viewing pleasure. Better him than me.
We also see pathetic overacting as…
…the actor Playing Gay outlines the rules for scrapbooking. It’s not enough to not touch The Scrapbook with sticky fingers. The Scrapbook is only for Happy Thoughts and Happy Faces. (resisting the urge to gag here)
…Schmo flirts with the actress pretending to be a rich bimbo. We all know that she really is a Typically Unemployed Bimbo (hereafter known as TUB).
…The actor playing the veteran acts like he’s taken one too many mortar shots to the brain and almost blows the secret after the very first game.
…Schmo decides he doesn’t want to do a threesome with the mortar shot man and the grown woman who plays with dolls, freaking out the Production Crew who had scripted that exact scenario.
…Schmo becomes the spine for the Ridiculously Insulting Gay Portrayer (RIG), since the overblown stereotype does not allow for vertebrae.
…Schmo warns The Asshole that he’s, well, an asshole.
…Schmo’s alliance with Gina ends when she is voted off the show for a performance that would make Master Thespian cringe.
Cue cheesy titles. They’re almost as cheesy as the Bacardi and Cola ads that Spike insists on showing 12 times during the show. I may be missing the point, since this is a Network for Men, but I would think most Men would find those ads ridiculous for a drink most people outgrew by the time they could drink legally. Maybe it’s just me.
While Schmo does his morning confessional, a pasty film covers his nose and mouth. (Sorry, those stupid Bacardi ads involuntarily transported me back to the 70s.) Actually, the rest of the cast is forced into a production trailer for their daily flogging, I mean, acting lessons, I mean, plot to make the Schmo look even more ridiculous. Let’s count the stupid euphemisms used by the production team during this meeting:
- “Get back to real.” - “Turn up the bitch.” - “This is a grenade with just one pin.” (As opposed to a "cast" with way too many screws loose.) - “Dial it back.” - “It got weird last night.” (Hm, you think? Just because your “Gina” realized she was going back to waiting tables at Stuckey’s and hadn’t had her closeup yet?)
Schmo dreamed his Mom showed up at the mansion. He misses Mommy and Daddy, since this is the longest he’s ever gone without talking to his family. Mr. and Mrs. Gould, I am sorry to report that you’ve reared a Mommy’s Boy who will never leave home. Ever. Give up on that dream of traveling when you retire. And be prepared to look at him at least once a month and say, “What do you think this is, a Holiday Inn?”
The gang gets together for Happy Pictures for The Scrapbook, and to screw up their stories for Schmo again. This time it’s our PseudoVirgin who gets Texas confused with Wisconsin. I understand dear, after all, they have so much in common, such as sucky baseball teams. I’ll make sure I pick up some Texas cheese for my next picnic. PV covers for her blunder by biting her tongue. Make sure you include that on your Emmy reel, along with TUB’s comment that “she has a big tongue”. Wow. As Simon Cowell would say…who’s your acting teacher? Sue her.
Schmo follows PV into the house and nervously begins to speak to her. She assumes he has seen through her pathetic acting. We know he’s not that perceptive, and he quickly explains to her that his nervousness is because he has to be honest about voting for her at the last plate bash. In a complete ripoff from “Paradise Hotel” (and we all know how low that’s stooping), she gets him to pinky swear not to vote for her at the next Plate Bashing Party.
Shall We Play A Game?
The production team shows its incredible sense of humor by dressing up Cheesy Host in a cheesy blue tux. Note to self: make sure to pull out my big brother’s prom picture so I can humiliate him the next time he ticks me off. The game is Battle of the Sexes, and the plan is for the men to lose (DUH). RIG decides to play for the other team because he’s “used to that”. The first team to answer 4 questions wrong loses and has to clean the mansion in their “penalty costumes” while the other team gets pampered.
The questions, answers, and penalty costumes make it painfully obvious that this show is written by 12-year-old boys who had to submit their favorite Dear Penthouse letters to be considered for the job. First we have Mortar Shot Man dressed up as Bo Peep putting his sheparding hook in places where it just don’t belong. Then we have Molly the Cop frisking a bikini clad Ashleigh to “find those drugs”.
We are mercifully spared for a few brief moments to enjoy a commercial break. Suddenly, the Bacardi and Cola actors look Oscar-worthy to me. And my biggest laugh of the night was at the life alert ad with Dr. Schnitman. Schnitman. That name just makes me laugh. Hee hee. Schnitman.
And we’re back to the game, where we’re forced to see Schmo in a schoolgirl costume getting spanked. Thanks for the closeup shots of his ass. Luckily, I had finished eating dinner before I watched the show. After finding out that Schmo would like some dirty talk with Oprah (please don’t make me go there), farmer Ashleigh picks a peach from the flaky doc’s cleavage.
But just when I think it can’t get any worse, they make The Asshole massage Mortar Shot Man’s jungle rot, scabby, rancid feet. After that goes on way too long (damn you, Cheesy Host, for enjoying your job too much!), we then are treated to Schmo’s Bud eating a carrot strategically placed between Schmo’s knees. Between the crotch shot, the comments (“I don’t swallow”), and the flecks of carrot flying everywhere, I have officially reached the point of Grossed Out Beyond Words. Must go to Happy Place. Schnitman. Hee hee hee. Schnitman.
Surprise, surprise, the girls win, leaving the boys to clean the mansion in their penalty costumes. The actors are stunned that Schmo actually wants to clean, and he tries to keep the others from pulling pranks like short-sheeting. Bud smells Comet everywhere, while The Asshole takes Polaroids of his butt for The Scrapbook. We are also treated to another great random comment taken out of context: “Do you know how to do it, Earl?”