Previously on The Joe Schmo Show… Matt has performance issues with another naked chick Molly’s boyfriend William is nonplussed about her new bondage fetish William’s stormy exit caused Molly to need some “consultation” with Ralph Hutch got kicked to the curb for threatening Kip
Our episode opens as they usually do, with the cast in the production van while Joe/Matt is giving his daily interview. This is supposed to serve, I guess, as a reminder that these are, in fact, actors. Mostly it’s just a way for the director to weasel his way into the show. “Stay in character…brak, brak, brak…Molly confides in Matt…brak, brak, brak…Molly and Ralph…brak, brak, brak.” Thankfully, it’s brief.
Inside the house, Ralph enters just in time to save me from visuals involving Brian, man boobs, strawberries, and champagne. He tells them that it’s ‘Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Chance to Get Your Ass Booted’ Day. 2 people will share the pimp robe, while 2 will get iced. He then pulls out a letter from the “Lap of Luxury” legal department, filled with 1st year law school phrases, stating that there is no prima facie case against Hutch, he wasn’t properly Mirandized, Habeas Corpus, other restrictions apply, offer not valid in Guam.
Matt: As soon as Ralph started reading the letter, I knew from my (pause) short time in law school exactly what the letter meant. (What he failed to mention is that his ‘knowledge’ really comes from the Matlock reruns he was watching while he should’ve been going to class.)
What it means is…
Hutch: I’m baaa-aack!
While Ralph tries to explain to the cast that the producers are reinstating Hutch, Hutch does the nasty to Ralph’s leg.
Hutch: Hutch has legal representation, FYI. (the law offices of Zack and ASSociates out of Puerto Vallarta, in case you’re curious)
Matt: Whatever, dude.
Lance (Kip): They wrote up a letter full of ‘legalese’, because Matt’s a smarty. (Although not smart enough to figure out that you’re all yanking his chain, apparently.)
Matt demonstrates his knowledge of law by describing to all what a ‘Prima Facie’ case is using more “likes” and “ya knows” than Mary Kate and Ashley combined.
Hutch: I’m just glad to be back, man.
Matt (eating a sandwich containing the world’s largest piece of lettuce): Things were easier while you were gone, dude. (Exactly. You all didn’t actually think that the producers would let Brian and Molly carry this show, did you?) And I don’t want you out of here unless you’re out of here legitimately. (Which is to say that he wants to personally have a hand in voting out the pool-pisser.)
Matt (confessional): We didn’t really realize how MUCH of an asshole Hutch was until he came back.
Right on cue, Hutch throws food at Kip. Kip screams at Hutch, and Hutch apologizes. Ahhh, everything is back to normal.
Matt (confessional): I was told that under no conditions would I be made to eat anything that you couldn’t find on the kids menu at Denny’s during my stay here. You see I have a bit of a **air quotes** ‘gag problem’. (Cue footage of Matt puking up chocolate, hair balls, and Lord knows what all) And since I have this **air quotes** ‘gag problem’, it would be completely not right to exploit it and make me look like an ass on national TV.