Ralph makes Ashleigh drool Matt's wigger moves are cool Hutch pees in the pool Earl's exit is unbearably cruel
This week's episode opens with a RV huddle for the cast and crew. The actors and producers are gathered together to discuss how uneasy they feel with the show's premise and Matt's little meltdown at Earl's eviction ceremony. (For anyone who missed the promo all 9000 times it ran: Matt cried. A lot. Copious rivers of Schmo tears ran down his pudgy little face and onto his neatly pressed denim shirt.) It was a little emasculating. It was little embarrassing. It was highly entertaining.
And in a strange, synergetic twist: at this very moment, a lone summary writer sits forlornly in a dingy cubicle, surrounded by empty Cheeto bags and mangled paperclips - the air thick with futility. She sobs uncontrollably.
I never should have volunteered for this. The only good things in my summaries are when I can make something innocent seem dirty and wrong. There's nothing innocent about this show! They talked about masturbation. Hutch said labia. Brian said nut knuckle. WTF am I supposed to do with that? No one could possibly understand unless they were in this situation. I. Should. Have. Thought. This. Through.
While on a secret moderators' board, far, far away a tense meeting takes place.
Webby: Has Pooh posted her Schmo summary yet? AyaK: You know it always takes her at least a week. As long as they take, you'd think they wouldnąt suck. Sherps: Yeah, you'd think so. Webby: Sherps, are you still posting here? Sherps: Not really, but pooh likes these things to be inclusive. Om mane padme pooh. AyaK: Whatever. Bebo, we cast you to be the sympathetic friend to the estrogen set. Go be nice to her. Check and see if she's even started the effing thing yet. Bebo: I thought you cast me to be the rude and snotty one. Why don't you make sleeeve go be nice to her. sleeeve: no time. I'm busy blatantly cheating on the football thread Bebo: Maybe Ice Cat could butter her up with a new sig pic or something? Ice Cat: I've already given her a limo and a blimp. I'm not putting her in a tiara. Webby: I bet she figured out she’s the only writer not being paid for her summaries. AyaK: No way she’s smart enough to figure that out. She tried to tell flying squirrel to play nice or be banned. Webby: What an idiot. Bebo: Do you really think anyone cares if Pooh finishes her summary or not? sleeeve: of course not. Ice Cat: Pooh who? Bebo: Then why are we having this conversation? AyaK: After studying prior summaries and researching posting trends, it’s clear Pooh has started a bit and can’t figure out how to end it. Her pride simply won’t allow her to write it off as a failure, so it’ll just sit here pointlessly.
Ok, back at Schmo-town - the cast and crew have decided to speed up everything to get the whole show over with. Can't say that I blame them for that.
We are treated to another confessional from Matt where he talks about how touching Earl's speech was. He says things like “essence of life", "makes the world great", "people changing and evolving". Of course, he says all this about Earl - the monosylabbic grizzled vet with toe fungus.
Matt also talks about how they are all real people with real emotions. For those of you keeping score at home: that's episode four and still no clue.
After the meeting, it’s time for breakfast at Casa de Schmo, and Hutch has some interesting news for Matt to chew on. Hutch and Dr. Pat did the nasty last night. He then demonstrates exactly how they did it through the use of Dr. Pat's therapy dolls. You know, after a long night of clubbing in the Corvette, my Barbie and Ken dolls would occasionally do some X and have a three-way with P.J., but this anatomically correct therapy doll orgy is just wrong. It’s like Raggedy Ann and Andy went all Flowers in the Attic on us.
Hutch, demonstrating the subtlety that no doubt helped him land a part as Loni Anderson’s son on a soon-to-be-cancelled UPN sitcom, describes his act d’amour with Dr. Pat in salacious detail.
Hutch: You can’t touch her dolls, but I touched something else. That's right. I made a breakthrough with Dr. Pat in therapy. I broke through her panties. She examined my head, on her knees in the shower. Oh yeah.
(Sadly enough – this is not an embellishment.)
This revelation has Matt looking like he smelled some bad eggs. Or at least some bad yeast. We hear his opinion in a confessional.
Matt: Dr. Pat is so cute and so smart. How could she do that with Hutch? He’s disgusting. He smells. He eats his boogers. WTF is wrong with these women? First Ralph and now Hutch! I don’t get it. I’m a law school dropout/pizza delivery professional. My parents let me have chicks in my room until midnight – I have a X-box and scrambled porn. Who wouldn’t want a piece of my pepperoni?
Hutch wonders what Matt is feeling about his relationship with Dr. Pat. What do y’all think?
Instapoll!* Upon discovering that the Hutch and Dr. Pat had sex, Matt feels (a) betrayed (b) disappointed (c) horny (d) homicidal
The answer to this question will be come apparent rather quickly.
But, Matt tries to be diplomatic and fair. He is marginally successful in hiding his seething rage and merely suggests that perhaps Dr. Pat made a bad career choice and that she might not be suited for relationship counseling.
Next, in their infinite wisdom, the producers decide to diffuse the anger and tension in the house with a reward challenge. A full-contact reward challenge where Matt has a good 100 pounds on his prey/opponent. I’m sure the potential for violence was innocently overlooked.