This season, on The Amazing Race, twelve teams left Seattle for a race around the world. Alliances of eventual losers were formed; others were singled-out. Some teams grew closer, while other teams had Peter in them. Ultimately, the following teams were eliminated: Bilal & Sa’eed (crappy twist), Vipul & Arti (too loving), Kellie & Jamie (failed archery class), Duke & Lauren (too much emotional baggage), Tom & Terry (worst rowers of all time), Peter & Sarah (still looking for that Detour), David & Mary (ran out of non-elimination legs), Erwin & Godwin (just wouldn’t keep going straight), and Dustin & Kandice (bigger threats than James & Tyler.)
...but who cares about the past? With exciting teams like our Final 3, the future is looking bright. Set your TiVos to “Save Forever,” (ding!) because this finale is gonna rawk!
We begin the episode in Barcelona, Spain, where teams are having their mandatory rest leg, since they’re a bunch of pansies and can’t handle 72 consecutive hours of travel. Rob & Kimberly, still smelling like tomatoes, depart first. They need to travel to a mysterious church in Barcelona that’s been under construction for 124 years and find the next clue in the nearby park. This might seem like a difficult clue to solve, mostly due to Barcelonians’ lispy Spanish accents, but Rob & Kimberly quickly realize that it’s the Sagrada Familia church.
Lyn & Karlyn depart second, also smelling of tomatoes. In a confessional, they observe that they’re the first all-female team in the Final 3, and that no one would’ve expected them to go so far. That’s probably because of their numerous 9th and 6th place finishes and their inability to run, but you can’t be sure. They immediately leave the pitstop to go find the church.
Tyler & James leave third, still smelling of Dustin & Kandice. One of them comments in a confessional that no one should doubt them, since they’re the physically strongest team. By jocking their way through the final leg, the million dollars should be in the bag. This is a typical “brainless dude team” comment, so I won’t judge them too harshly. I will, however, mock them on an internet message board.
Meanwhile, Rob & Kimberly are running around the church’s park, eventually finding the clue. This clue is also cryptic. It’s got only a picture of this large pointed tower that seems somewhat familiar and Parisian... No, it’s not the giant knock-offs at American amusement parks. It’s the real Eiffel Tower in Paris, France. I’m guessing teams should go there now.
Rob & Kimberly immediately head to the airport, which is, of course, closed for the night. They camp out near the window, waiting for the windows to open at 4 AM. Tyler & James and Lyn & Karlyn eventually show up also, since they both easily found the Church of the Holy Construction. Tyler & James talk about finding some internet service, but eventually decide against it, since looking at internet naughties would distract them from winning the million dollars.
At 4 AM, the ticket windows open and the teams begin Abusive Customer Procedure. Luckily for Rob & Kimberly, they get the last tickets on the earlier flight to Paris, causing Tyler & James to whine about hindsight. Eventually, they get tickets on a later Air France flight, but they still fight. And you can tell they’re fighting in the Year 1991, because every other word outta their mouths is “dude.” Which is totally gnarly. Scratch that. Tubular.
The guys continue to fight through the commercial break, while Lyn & Karlyn get an Iberia Airlines flight landing at the Orly airport, which is closer to the Eiffel Tower than Charles de Gaulle. This makes me believe that Lyn & Karlyn deserve to win the game, since they’re the only team capable of using their brains. Either way, all three teams are going to end up in Paris eventually.
Speaking of which, Rob & Kimberly’s flight has already arrived. Isn’t instant gratification great? They wisely take the train, avoiding the snooty Parisian cab drivers. Once Tyler & James arrive, they also choose the train, but they have to get on a later one. Lyn & Karlyn, after arriving in Orly airport, take their chances with the Parisian traffic, grabbing a taxi. Their driver is doing really well, actually. They observe that “he feels the importance oozing from us.” And it’s making a mess all over the cabbie’s floor. Ze stupeed Amereecans.
Lyn & Karlyn arrive at the Eiffel Tower first and find the next clue. Rob & Kimberly are really close behind and actually see them on the third floor. I also think I can vaguely hear the word “LENNY!” lingering in the distance, but I’m not sure. The clue tells teams to take the train to the city of Caen and to find the local airport for their next clue. Both teams quickly head to the train station to get ticket.
Tyler & James eventually show up to the Eiffel Tower, and then head to the train station. Once they arrive, they’re really shocked to see that Team Alabama beat them. This must’ve been a huge blow to their collective ego, so luckily they have the entire train ride to recharge.
Magically, the teams quickly reach Caen airport, and Tyler & James rip open the next clue. Roadblock! In this Roadblock, both team members must board a plane. One of the members will skydive, while the other is met with a surprise nose-dive. Once completed, the skydiver will meet up with his/her partner at the train station. Tyler opts to do the skydiving, but it doesn’t really matter since this is essentially a One-Choice-Detour anyway.
Lyn & Karlyn show up next and Karlyn elects to do the Roadblock. While they read the clue, Kimberly slams into the base of the clue box, due to the excessively waxed floor and Kim’s insistence to race in high heels. It must’ve made them a bit delirious because Kimberly chooses to do the Roadblock, even though Rob’s salivating at the mouth for some skydiving. It’s probably Rob’s fault too, though. I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess that the airport Roadblock might just be skydiving.
All three teams skydive (but not Rob, of course), which is really cool and stuff. Then, they all meet up at another train station and receive new clues. Now they should take the train back to Paris and find Place de la Concorde, the location of their next clue. The Models and Alabama buy tickets for the 5:23 train, but the Angry, Dysfunctional Couple need to exchange their American dollars at the post office.
The 5:23 train comes early at 5:10, which Rob & Kimberly miss, but they end up making the real 5:23. This would be a big deal, but they all caught the same connecting train anyway, so who cares? You’d think they’d put a commercial break there, but they decided to wait for a Tyler & James moment of peril. They can’t seem to find a taxi, putting them in last place.
Will our young heroes find a taxi? If they don’t, will it really matter?
No, but they found a taxi anyway. Rob & Kimberly find the clue box first, and discover it’s time for a Detour. The choices: Art or Fashion. In “Art,” teams must pick up a giant painting and deliver it to a local artist. In “Fashion,” teams must make a designed jacket and fit it to the mannequin. All three teams eventually choose “Fashion,” although it must’ve pained Tyler & James to pass up a physical task.
The Fashion Detour is quite an amusing sight.
1. First, we have Rob & Kimberly... Or should I just say Kimberly. Rob keeps trying to help get in the way, and Kimberly keeps shooing him elsewhere, almost like a mother and child.
2. Tyler & James are ecstatically cutting the material like giddy thirteen year old Home Economics students. Someone forgot to mention to them that they don’t get to try on their completed outfit.
3. Lyn & Karlyn are working efficiently together by bothering the judge every six seconds. They generally fix one stitch at a time and then ask the judge for approval.
We then get a montage of the French judge telling the Americans “no” about fifteen times. She’s especially getting on Lyn’s nerve, who calls her the Fashion Gestapo in a confessional. A better comparison would be to call her the Fashion Nazi, paralleling the famous Seinfeld episode, but even that wouldn’t work. They’re not in Germany.
The Fashion Gestapo does accept Tyler & James’ work, though, and gives them their clue. Teams must now travel to the final destination city, New York City, and find the News Building with the giant globe. Shortly after the models depart, Lyn & Karlyn finish the Detour. After that, it seems like the Fashion Gestapo gives up on Rob & Kimberly and gives them a clue anyway. In the car, the two bicker about skydiving some more and establish a “No Talking to Each Other Anymore” rule.
Fixated with Orly airport, Lyn & Karlyn goes back to it, but are dismayed to learn that they don’t have any flights to New York. Meanwhile, Tyler & James have found an early flight. It’s booked already, so they get put on the waiting list. As backup, they find a later flight through Newark. Rob & Kimberly can’t get on the early flight either, but the helpful attendant goes to look for his manager. Eventually, the manager returns with tickets for them. Which isn’t surprising. I mean, who couldn’t resist Rob & Kimberly’s charm, especially when they’re not talking to each other?
Lyn & Karlyn also get on the waiting list, although it’s not looking that good for them. The Models decide to flirt bother the ticket agent, who promptly tells them to stand “over there.” The whole race is going to come down to a flight, they say.
They have no idea how wrong they are.
After the commercial break, Rob & Kimberly are boarding the plane as the other teams wait. Following six or seven tension shots and a crescendo of music, the ticket agent summons Tyler & James and gives them tickets for the flight. Unfortunately for Lyn & Karlyn, Mr. Bertram van Munster only reserved two emergency tickets in advance, they’re out of luck. In a confessional, Lyn says that she’s starved herself so much that she isn’t even the fat lady, so he ain’t going to sing.
Enjoy that moment, America, because that’s the last of this team you’re going to see for awhile.
Arriving in New York, both teams quickly get a taxi. Rob & Kimberly’s taxi doesn’t know where the building is, so they’re forced to follow the models’. James & Tyler’s cabbie tries some Evasive Driving Techniques, but can’t shake its follower. That is, until they reach a toll. Luckily for the models, their driver has EZ-Pass and can quickly bypass the toll. Blech. The product placement is sickening on this show. Rob & Kimberly have to wait in line. Forced to think on their own, Rob & Kimberly’s taxi driver radios the base for the directions.
James & Tyler have arrived at the tower already and have grabbed the clue. Now they have to travel two miles on foot to the East Village to find a statue called The Alamo. Hey, even New Yorkers remember it! A lady wearing a yellow cap will give them their next clue. James & Tyler leave, and Rob & Kimberly arrive sometime later. Surprisingly, Kimberly does not run into the clue box this time.
Both teams are familiar with the East Village, but James & Tyler get there first, followed by Rob & Kimberly some time later. Teams must now travel to Garrison, NY in Putnam County and find St. Basil Academy. The first team to reach the finish line wins one million Wendy’s baked potatoes. I mean, dollars.
Both teams are now heading toward the final location. The camera is jumping back and forth between them in some sort of epileptic wonder. James & Tyler appear to be having trouble and are stopping a lot, while Rob & Kimberly seem to have no difficulty at all.
...In short, Rob & Kimberly are screwed.
After several tension shots, James & Tyler come running out of their taxi to the finish mat. Phil proclaims them the winners of The Amazing Race, and the one million dollar prize. For once in their lives, the two guys are speechless, giving the audience a brief reprieve from “dude.”
Rob & Kimberly arrive shortly after. Or, more precisely, they arrive “one toll line’s waiting time” later. Both of them look upset, especially Rob, because he’s still ticked off about the skydiving. When interviewed by Phil, Rob mentions that he’s definitely sure that he wants to spend his life with Kimberly. Kimberly, the more practical of the two, says that Rob’s going to actually have to work to buy her some bling now. Rob hangs his head in shame.
Lyn & Karlyn finish third, much to the chagrin of their alliance. In their interview, they re-iterate that they were the first all-female team to finish in the Final 3, just so they feel like they’ve won something. And to spite the Beauty Queens, of course. Lyn, in a confessional, tells us that she learned that she can do anything now.
Phil has one more trick up his sleeve. He hints to Tyler & James that he’s sure that they’ve missed their family. The boys look at each other excitedly, hoping that they brought their family on-site. This is so exciting!!!
...And then he pulls out a Sprint phone. Lame.
Tyler talks to his mom and James talks to his dad, both in crystal clear reception with reasonably-price Sprint services. Both parents sound really happy, although they’re both probably secretly worried about a drug relapse now.
Then the teams hug, and James & Tyler give the obligatory Winning Team’s Final Comment...
"We’ve won the game of Life and now we’ve won The Amazing Race too."
Next on their agenda? A six hour game of Risk. Oh yeah. World domination.