In last week’s episode, the 6-pack was touring the Island of Mauritius and enjoying each others’ company while getting on the nerves of the other teams. Everyone in the 6-Pack was so nice to each other, so friendly and so cooperative. Everyone? Not quite, because Karlyn doesn’t have a friendly bone in her body and she didn’t take her pills. They still let the others finish well ahead of them and the six-pack remained intact only because of Phil’s sweet spot for the last place team. To get all the details, you can go visit ArNutz here and pick up a free 6-pack from the fridge.
The opening credits roll. We see all the past participants: First, Two Muslims and an Indian couple walked into CBS asking to be on TV. “Sure” said a casting director who gave them plane tickets to Asia. We never saw these 4 again. There was also the two gay guys and the cheerleaders who planned a world tour for their song and dance routine. For some reason, it was cancelled. Then we had…who are these two? OH yes! The tall chump and his strangely cute daughter. She was funny…what happened to them? I think they were thrown in jail for not paying their taxi bill. Say Hi to Hatch when you see him. There was also…OH no! This is my summary and he’s not making an appearance!
Then of course we are left with TAR’s Super 6! OK, not so super…pretty ordinary if you ask me. The dialogues might not be exactly word for word because I don’t type fast enough but here is a retrospective of some quotes from these players:
The Kentucky Couple who said, “We’ve never seen Asians or gays before but we like’em. (“People are Strange” from The Doors is playing in my head.)
The Alabama Moms are represented by Karlyn who says: “ Arrrr, we @#*&# those sluts and %$#@& the Dope-heads. We’re gonna screw those that keep waiting for us. If they think I’m helping them!!! Lyn agrees: “Our kids will be so proud of us.” Karlyn adds: “They damn well better be. This is as bad as giving childbirth.”
The Chos are two nerdy Korean brothers who decided to start training so people would stop laughing at them. Godwin says, “We aren’t in this race for the money.” I think “All you need is Love” by the Beatles was heard in the background.
The mandatory TAR dysfunctional couple is represented by Rob and Kim: “GET OVER HERE, KIM. It’s our turn” shouts Rob. “I’m right here,” answers Kim. “DON’T SCREAM at me!” “I’M NOT SCREAMING,” yells Rob. “You’re screaming that you’re not screaming!”
Walking away, we then meet: The Models “We’re druggies, “says James. “Ex-druggies,” corrects Tyler to the sounds of Led Zep’s "Dazed and Confused" “Oh yes!” agrees James. “This race has so many ups and downs that it reminds me of a bad trip I once had. I was lying near the train tracks...”
Enough of this, lets go meet real life Beauty Queens: Dustin says: “I’m Miss California and Kandice is Miss New-York. Everyone just loves us on this race and we’ve been given an opportunity to show our skills. The other racers admire us for our beauty and brains.” “Phil hasn’t let us use all our talents, however” replies Kandice. “We’ve only been able to wear our bikinis once. Is it any wonder that we won only that leg of the race? The whole race should’ve been run in swimsuits and evening gowns. Imagine Tyler in high heels!!” “Maybe Phil will join me on my new scooter,” gushes Dustin. “I’d show him some real talent”.
Back from commercial and Phil asks us, “Will Dustin and Kandice continue to push away the other team and work on their own? Can the six-pack help David and Mary who are once again marked for elimination?”
The Mad Dash to the Airport
Dustin and Kandice head out of the Chateau Bel Ombre at 3:00AM. The lead they have is of utmost importance because we are in for a thrilling race to TAR’s famous bunching point. Statistically speaking, no team arriving first at a bunching point has been eliminated there. Very few team arriving first actually leave first from there but who cares? It is a race and the producers want you on the edge of your seat. The girls have a fun time riding in a shiny new red car. “Our old car had a broken bumper and it wasn’t pretty enough for us,” said Dustin. “The other teams won’t mind,” opines Kandice. “They all love us and they’ll be content to ride in our old car.” “Everyone is in an alliance but we can have more fun on our own,” says a sassy Dustin. “Yeah!” says Kandice, smiling in anticipation.
Next to leave are the models. Tyler says, “James is a pussy and I have to step up as the dominant role in our team.” James can only agree, “I have been a wuss. I want to show I can do a great job for us.” Unable to read a map, he showed real initiative by asking: “Should we wait for Rob and Kim?”
The dysfunctional couple must have made good use of the Chateau’s comforts because Rob is all cuddly. Kim tells us, “We are still learning, trying to communicate without arguing. It is back and forth, one day we do well and one day it’s one argument after another.” Rob agrees, “We are doing better.” Kim is beaming and smiles at the camera. Rob got lucky last night!
The Buddy alliance is ready to leave for the airport and then Madagascar, but the two cars aren’t moving. Rob gets out and asks Tyler where he’s going. Tyler answers that he wants to follow him. “I was going to follow you,” says a surprised Rob. This alliance is going nowhere fast. “We haven’t been looking for an alliance. The six-pack forced us into an alliance. We’ve geled with Rob and Kim from the beginning,” says Tyler. “We're going to try to reach Antanana…Antananana…Hey hey hey and say goodbye to one of the 6-pack.” “We’ll make it a 4-pack,” says James not realizing they shouldn’t drink and drive.
The Chos are next to depart and tell us they will wait on Kentucky and Alabama. Godwin says he’d give up first place to help one of their alliance avoid elimination.
Karlyn and Lyn are next and can’t believe the Beauty Queens have left their damaged car behind. We get a quick look of Kandice laughing at their prank. When the Moms get started, they quickly make their own way along the coast, Lyn confiding, “It is a race, we’re friends but sometimes you do what you gotta do.”
Last to leave and “marked for elimination” is the Kentucky couple. A quick rule reminder: Since they were last in the non-elimination leg, they must arrive first at the next pit-stop or incur a 30 minute “peeh-nalty” as Mary tells us. But they are going to Madagascar and Mary loves that she’ll see all the animals she knows are waiting there. Dress these two in black and they would look like penguins!
All the teams are on the same flight to Antananarivo, the capital of Madagascar for all you trivia buffs. No airport employee was abused or maimed doing their job this week. Phil tells us that once they land, they must get in a taxi and drive to the lake where they will find the “Black Angel” statue. He mischievously adds that the statue has been painted white!
Proving the futility of watching the first ten minutes, the 6-pack is first out and driving out of the airport. Mary hopes they can stay in first place all day. Lyn tells us, “Why should we be looking for this Black Angel? I’m the Black Angel and I’m right here.” The taxi driver must have seen advance footage or be a frequent spoiler board member because his look back at the mom is the exact same one I’m having. Can we plaster her so that she actually looks like the statue?
-Dustin noticed the 6-pack is playing hard today so they need to be on their A game.
-James is aware of the 30 minute penalty that Kentucky has and he wants to apply the knock-out punch.
-In case we didn’t hate them enough already, the editors make sure we hear Rob say that the Madagascar…ians?…ites? the locals “die a lot younger than us. They don’t have enough proteins so their brains don’t develop as much. The brain needs protein.” I guess he still won’t be making too many friends among the locals.
The first three cars arrive at the lake but “That angel is white,” says an outraged Karlyn. “We want the black one.” The drivers take off, circling the lake. In the meantime Tyler and James make it first to the statue. “It’s a yield,” shouts Tyler. “No it’s not,” says James as he arrives to the clue box alongside Rob and Kim. “It’s an intersection.”
An Intersection? A chorus of viewers asked: “What is that?”
Could it be inspired by Eric Clapton’s Crossroads? “I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride. I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride. Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed me by.”
It would be a neat twist and it would make a much better sound track but it would advantage players like Romber and blonde girls with blue eyes, I guess.
Phil appears on the screen as if on cue and tells us that in this new twist, each team will have to join forces with another team and perform all tasks and make all decisions together until further notice. Tyler is thrilled to work with Rob and Kim since they don’t trust the damn Blondes. They then realize that their clue pack includes a Fast Forward. Phil, earning his salary, tells us the Fast Forward rules: “This is the 2nd of only 2 FF hidden on the race…skip all tasks to the pit stop. In this case, the joined teams must complete the FF together.” Anticipating an easy win and plenty of rest time at the pit stop, (did I just see Rob smiling at Kim?) the foursome decides to do it! On the bus to the FF they realize that it will force the Blondes to work with one of the 6-pack. “Maybe they’ll have to team up with Alabama,” laughs Kim.
Arriving next are our brainy Beauty Queens. “What is this?” asks Dustin. “Are we last? Have all the teams left?” Both start to panic but the clue says you have to wait for the next team and since there were 6 teams at the start and 6 being an even number, it s-l-o-w-l-y dawns on them that some other teams should be coming along. “We don’t want to do it with Bama and Kentucky,” says Kandice. “We like Kentucky but seriously, we’d rather do it with the Chos.” “Here they come,” notices Dustin. “Don’t say a word. Let them go together.”
Bama and Kentucky read their clue and since they are in an alliance, neither can really decline the offer to pair up together. The Lovely Duo, sensing the awkwardness of the situation for the alliance mates, rush to meet the Brothers: “We have to team up together,” screams Kandice. “Do you want to do it with us?”
Seeing that the other 4 members of their alliance are standing together, the Chos agree. The Detour consists of either “Long Sleep” or “Short Letter” In “Long sleep,” a helpful Phil says, “The newly joined teams must travel, by van, 2.2 miles to this open market where they must choose 8 foam mattresses, wrap them in mattress covers and deliver them on foot approximately 1 mile through these confusing streets to the provided address. Once the delivery is completed, the home owner will give them their next clue.” In “Short letters…28 sheets…hand crafted…” he continues but who cares since no one goes there.
Dustin says, “Lets do the mattresses, we’re good in bed!” The two teams are eagerly on their way.
Mary is insisting: “We can go do the Fast Forward so that we can come in first place.” There off to the Fast Forward, until Lyn convinces Mary that the first 2 teams have probably gone for it and it would cost them too much time to come back. Mary relents and agrees they need to choose the easiest Detour. They change direction and follow the other two teams to “Long Sleep.”
As they are traveling in their vans, Kandice tells the Chos, “You cannot have better team mates.” Erwin reponds, “If you girls are good on the mattresses, all is forgiven.” “You’ll be glad to have us on the side” promises Dustin. “We’ll make you happy!” “Those girls seem to be tough to keep up with,” a worried Godwin confides.
Fast Forward; a Gross Food challenge: Side effects of watching the real episode may cause nausea. Even the summary could cause harm. Be warned!
The foursome arrives at their stall, ready for some fun activity but the clue tells them that they will have to Eat Cow Lips. To make matters worse, the whole jaw of a cow greets them, the teeth still in place. It looks kind of like Mary’s denture if you look at it from a certain angle. They each have a plateful and they dig in, choking on their own regurgitations. “It was disgusting,” said Kim. “The hair was on it. There was fat on it and teeth were still there.” “This is so bad,” agreed James Proving he was right, Kim is seen retching before the scene cuts.
Having fun with beds We rejoin our teams at the open market. They have their mattresses and they work together to wrap the mattresses. . Erwin reflects: “We’ve never been with Beauty queens before. Nerds like us, we just couldn’t pass up the chance.” “The only thing I’m good at with beds is moving them,” confesses a distraught Godwin.
The other quartet are also at the market. David and Mary argue about making the beds because, as Mary says, “They’ve never been together 24 hours a day before.”
The Blondes aren’t impressed with the guys’ performance who tell them to get some locals because they are better at it. Kandice quickly goes to the sidewalk and starts working it for the locals. She struts her stuff, shaking her hips to entice someone to come with them to the address. One guy goes for it and the five are off to find a room.
Dave shows that he is resourceful: “Dave bonded our fannies to the beds,” a surprised Lyn admitted. “It worked well.” The foursome forged ahead not minding all the voyeurs that crowded the street. “Higher…faster…” the women instructed Dave.
Back at the Fast Forward, things aren’t going so well. James worries that they could be falling behind the other teams. Should they go back to the detour? “Bite your lips,” saysTyler. “There is no way that they could complete a detour and a roadblock in less time than we can complete our plate.” Kim wants to agree but instead she reaches for the bucket with another full load.
Meanwhile, the Blondes are getting more frustrated with their men. The Chos are trying but can’t keep up. What is worse, they’ve now lost their John and aren’t sure where to go. They let the guys recuperate and go forward to find the proper address, leaving the beds for later. They are running in a maze but finally find the house. “You need beds, here,” says Kandice. Once they figure out where to go, they run back to get their beds. Kandice is beaming, ready to forgive some shortcomings: “We’ve always liked the Chos. I hope they’ll respect us in the morning!”
Having reached the secluded address, the Beauty Queens finish their business and get their next clue. It directs them to Tohotohobato 4 miles away and search for their next clue. It also tells them that the teams are no longer joined by the intersection and must work on their own. Seeing that the brothers aren’t of anymore use to them, the girls give them a quick, “Wham, Bam, thank you man” and off they are.
In the street, an exhausted Mary is quickly turning red. She doesn’t want Dave on her side of the bed anymore. David also isn’t sure his method is adequate and wants to find a truck to get it over with. They are pulling, pushing and dragging the mattresses, having to avoid motorcycles and laughing locals during their ordeal. They soon learn that they were going the wrong way and have to go back. Tying up the moms’ fannies wasn’t doing it for David anymore so they each take their share of the load and head back for the house.
Rob is still working on his plate but he’s making Kim anxious. He takes a moment to reflect, talking with a philosophical tone about his relationship with Kim: “This race is good for Kim and I because it gives us a good gauge of when it is good to push each other and when to ease up. Sometimes you need a kick in the butt, sometimes you need to let off and let them experience what they are going through .” Kim was going to protest but the sudden movement caused a disturbance in her stomach and…she’s on her knees under the stall, grabbing that bucket again!
The Blondes are first back to retrieve their bags and board a taxi. Dustin tell us, “It was good for the Chos because we are much better than Kentucky and Bama. For us, it was win-win, which is the way we like it.”
The Chos also find a taxi and Erwin reflects: ““It is hard to compete against our friends because every step forward for us means they are further behind.”
Mary is having problems finishing the job at hand. “Help Mary,” yells Lyn to David, turning into a marriage counselor. “Don’t just stand there.”
The guys at the Cow stall are having a bonding experience while Kim…goes for the bucket again!
The Chos’ taxi runs out of gas and needs to be pushed to the closest station while the Blondes quickly find the clue at the stairs. It is a roadblock: “In this roadblock, one team member must search for the tool most commonly used by the government of Madagascar: The rubber stamp,” comments our politically involved host. I guess either TAR had problems with local regulations and we won’t be going back to Madagascar anytime soon, or Phil wants to add his 2 cents to the US campaigns. “That team member will then search among dozens of rubber stamp vendors in the steap staicases that separate the city’s lower and upper districts. They will have to find 4 pre-determined stamp vendors and then make their way alone 2 ½ miles to the next Pit-Stop, The Cathedral Andohalo. This is where their team mate, who will have traveled separately, will be waiting. Kandice tells Dustin it is her turn to have fun and she goes off to find a taxi.
The Fast Forward crew thinks: “We are going to be finished soon and someone else is definitely going home.” This is a fast forward?
An exhausted foursome finally makes it to the delivery location and Bama and Kentucky go their separate ways back to the market.
Kandice arrives at the Pit-Stop and gives a nice: “Hi Phil!” Phil invites the smiling beauty to dance but she plays hard-to-get (for once!) and starts dancing with the locals instead.
Dustin finds the first vendor and asks him to “stamp” her in the car! She’s off to find her next guy and crosses the Brother’s path. “It’s hard,” she tells them but they noticed she had the clue already and was trying to make fools of them.
We cut back to the models and the couple just as Tyler, proving he is an all-star cow lip eater, finishes his plate. “At least, I’m good at something in this damn race,” he admits. We have to agree because it certainly isn’t his navigating skills that have gotten him here. Everyone gives a congratulary high-five to Tyler except Kim who chokes on some half eaten fleshy matter and hits the bucket once more.
Dustin gets the boat guy before the Chos find the clue. Godwin will do the roadblock and Erwin goes to the Pit-Stop, the shame of not being good enough to keep up with the girls written on his face.
David and Mary are looking for taxis, the Moms are looking for their bags.
We switch to the feast where Tyler is telling everyone that they are good, they can take their time and will be ahead of the others who are probably plowing a field somewhere, sweating and hating life. Rob finishes his plate.
Dustin is getting her kicks with the local stampers and has now gotten the plane guy. She still needs someone on a trian and she’ll be good for a Pit-Stop rest. There, now she’s had them all and had fun doing that challenge.
James finishes his plate, his face revealing he will never eat another bite of cow lips in his life. They still think they are golden. Rob admires his partner: “She is awesome,” he says. “No way can the other teams be ahead of us.” “She is like a machine,” agrees Tyler. Wanting to prove her machine-like precision, Kim hits the bucket one last time. Nevertheless, she manages to cram in the final bite and the challenge is finished. For you scoring at home, that is a six-bucket night for Kim. Scoring 12 points for a short girl is very good, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, they scramble for their taxis where Rob gives Kim a big cow lip smooch.
Godwin has found three stamps for his little collection and trudges along while Dustin is in her taxi. She is on her way to the Cathedrale Andohalo, the Pit-Stop. “Go on little car, make it up that hill,” she encourages it. However, it runs out of gas.
Godwin, like a good boy, has completed his stamp collection and is now off to the Cathedral. Mary has reached the roadblock and says she’ll do it, sending her husband to the Pit-Stop. Lyn is doing the roadblock for the Moms and arrives just as Mary found her first stamp.
Rob is getting impatient with his cab driver who his having gas. Not able to stay inside the taxi, they jump out and ask for a local to run with them to the Cathedral.
A Car is approaching the Cathedral. Phil squints to see who is in that first taxi. Good, it is the girls! He knows what is going to happen next. Kandice’s grabs Dustin’s hand and they sprint to the mat: “Dustin and Kandice,” an enthusiastic Phil says, “You are team number 1!!” The girls are so excited, they jump up and down to Phil’s delight. Now for the good part, he tells them they won a trip to Hawaii and an helicopter tour to a volcano. The girls can’t restrain themselves and, exuberantly, they both jump in Phil’s arms. Our host’s face reveals that he likes this better than a scooter ride. The girls still have a puzzled look on their face. “What about the Fast Forward Teams,” asks a confused Kandice. “You beat the Fast forward,” a pleased Phil answers to the girls' ultimate joy.
-Slowly, the two back-pack teams are collecting their stamps. Mary has one and helps out Lyn even if she has to beat her. “I’m not going to be a devil to win the million. Our friends are worth more than a million.” -Tyler and James reach the mat in second place. -Rob and Kim are “Team number 3.” -It is getting desperate for Lyn who is still missing some stamps while Mary completes her task. - Godwin slides on the mat to Phil’s surprise. Erwin joins Godwin and they are team #4. -A despondant David arrives within a few yards of the Pit-Stop where Karlyn joins him, each waiting for their partner. -Mary makes it first and walks over to Phil. “You are the fifth team to arrive. You were marked for elimination so you will have to stand over there for 30 minute before I can check you in,” says a stern Phil. -Lyn has found her last stamp and is in a cab. She gets mad that there is no gas in the car which seems to happen often in Madagascar. The minutes are rolling by, but finally the Cathedral is in sight. Karlyn joins Lyn on the mat to hear Phil: “Lyn and Karlyn, we must endure you another week as you are team number 5.” He continues, “David and Mary, come in here. You still had 20 minutes left in your penalty so I’m sorry to tell you we couldn’t find another loophole to keep you in the race and you’ve been eliminated.”
Mary reflects that it was a great experience to share with David. Lyn is crying profusely, saying it is hard to see good people go.
That is what happened on the 8th episode of TAR, well for the most part. I may have imagined some of the details but you start hallucinating watching the same sequences over and over again!
Next week, The Alabama Moms may be disqualified because they get messages from home. Is it a breach of the rules or a surprise reward? And…MUD WRESTLING!!