Previously on Survivor... Oh who remembers or cares, that’s so three weeks ago. Oh right, the editors want to impress a few things on us, such as:
• The Crazies alliance broke up. They are so like done with each other. Shane is the next boot. Take that machete away from Dontyellatme, because she’s gonna chop his head off.
Yep, here comes the merge! Thank god the Crazies alliance fractured or we might see them pick off Less Mina. Thank you to InShane’s lunacy that size won’t count when these guys merge. Right, I know *I* am eating this stuff up.
• The Crazies’ core alliance, we are reminded, consists of Bossy, Lazy, Clueless, Grumpy and Grumpy’s son’s name aka My Son’s Name or MSN. MSN gets passed around more times than a hookah at a Dead reunion or an Outlook Express email virus.
• Grumpy doesn’t want to share MSN any more. These people aren’t WORTHY to network with him any more. Grumpy, or as we now recall his name – InShane -- doesn’t even want to be networked. I forget exactly why this is, and really, with InShane, logic isn’t our friend. Nor is memory.
DAY 16: CRAZIES
Night vision of the slumber party.
Shane mumbles and rolls over. He appears to be telling Courtney to stop touching him.
Courtney: I, like, have an ARM on you.
WHERE she has it, she doesn’t say. Good. I don’t want to know these things. InShane: Courtney, that’s good but … (mumbles) Courtney: Can I have more of THIS then? InShane: Courtney, I’m not the only one using IT, there’s Cirie too, you should talk to Cirie about it. Courtney: I’m just cold, dude, but whatever. InShane: Courtney, your frigidity is SO not my problem.
Next morning . . Courtney: That was like, seriously, that was like hell, like so messed up. I cannot trust Shane for the most basic stuff.
Courtney tells us this was the worst night of her life. She wants to curl up in the fetal position for the rest of the game. We would support that decision. Seriously.
I wanted to give Courtney a nickname. I was sorely tempted. But I think you all know what word I’d have to pick, and I really do try not to use that word. I toyed with C**tney, but I resisted.
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ZEN GARDEN
Arse obsesses over Bruce obsessing over cleaning his Zen garden. Bruce (muttering): Courtney has defiled my sacred sand again!
Bruce rakes and rakes but much like the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands--that Courtney spot won’t come out. (While Bruce seems a tad OCD about it all, We might feel the same if Courtney touched our special place.)
Bruce: I’m aware none of them want to play with me in my sandbox, but soon there will be a merge and it’ll be a whole new sandbox. I’ll be the Sandbox Honcho.
We now see that Bruce has a strategy after all. Stake out a claim on the only sandbox until everyone promises you anything for a piece of it because the last of the Charmin is gone.
Sally basks sensually against the big wooden flagpole with her eyes closed looking like Misty savoring a ripe papaya. Why is Sally ecstatic? Because Sally is SAVED.
All the girls in her boy’s club tribe were marked for human sacrifice and she got to come here knowing that back at Boy’s Camp the boys had to eat one of their own.
Mmm, tastes rather like papaya.
Danger, Sally Robinson, ALL boys AND girl of your tribe are now marked for human sacrifice by a hostile tribe of dysfunctional morons.
[Aside -- You know when they announced the Exile Island twist, didn’t you think Exile would be this terrible experience for the victim? Week after week, didn’t you expect to revel in the human misery, the isolation, the paranoia, the fire ant welts, the lack of shelter from the elements, the really bad hair? Torment broken only by scrabbling in the dirt, cackling over clues on a map they stole from Shane’s son’s collection of kindergarten drawings? Do you feel ripped off? Yeah, me too.
Guess what, it didn’t turn out that way. The exiles are HAPPY to be on exile island. The producers forgot to take into account that being without food or water and being eaten by bugs and fire ants for days on end is STILL five star accommodation when the alternative is cohabitating with the rest of these freaks.
Sure, Bruce said EI was hell, but that’s because Bruce had to share EI with Bruce’s ego. Stroking Bruce’s ego is a full time job. Bruce had to spend so much time stroking Bruce’s ego that he only had one hand free to look for the idol. Apparently “breaking the flint” is what Bruce calls it when he gets carried away stroking his ego.]
(Back to Sally …)
Sally hopes Terry didn’t find the idol. We suspect her search is half-hearted because she knows that no way in hell did Super Terry get exiled twice and not find that idol. What Terry wants, Terry gets.
(Off camera there’s a producer yelling at her DIG, DIG, we need the shot of you SEARCHING, DIG, try to look serious about it like you think you might find something!)
Sally says maybe she’ll get lucky. She means with the immunity idol, not Terry. Sally is losing it out there.
Sally stabs holes in the ground with a machete. She’s been with the boys’ club way too long. Freud would have fun analyzing her right now. None of Sally’s holes measure up to the gigantic holes certain other players are digging for themselves in this game.