Now, I have invited Flava Flav on due to his brilliant ideas presented on VH1’s runaway smash, gaining twice as many viewers as the latest Celebrity Fit Club (bringing it’s total to 72), by the name of The Flavor of Love. His brilliant idea was not to dignify his contestants by using their actual names, but rather by giving them nonsensical or derogatory nicknames. Now, since I can’t tell Sally and Shane apart at this point in the show, I have asked Flava to give me some nicknames. And he came through as he interrog-itted (sorry, had to plug his show, part of the contract) our desperate attention whores and gave them appropriate names. For my sake, the names are interchangeable, so be on the lookout. Now, here, almost verbatim, is his analysis of our contestants
Aras: I met a dude once when I was at the blackjack table. He kept telling me that I was a moron to double down and said my girlfriend would win dis ****. Then I saw him on my plasma, he was Phil Gordon! And he looked like this Aras guy, sort of, so his name? Phil Gordon.
Austin I was interviewing this dude, and man, he really liked his sports. He’s a Cubs fan, he likes soccer, dude. I asked him to run down the hall to get my clock to see how much I’d get paid based on time, and he was so fast, man. His name is ESPN3.
Bobby: He’s a grown-ass man! I slapped that name tag on so fast, Bobby is now Rory’s Long Lost Twin, Sheepdog.
Bruce: There’s a girl named New York on my show, so Bruce? He’ll be named Japan.
Cirie: Man, I’m a Survivor fan from way back, and I saw that disgusting Ted and Ghandia encounter. Cirie has to be that love child from way back. I was going to put Ted and Ghandia’s Biological Mixture, but I coudn't afford those big name tags, so she’s Thailand.
Courtney: I can appreciate this girl. She’s an artist like myself and she loves different cultures, just like me. Asian girls, African Girls, European Girls, American Girls, all can roll with Flava. But I’m off the point, she told me she likes Granola and she is a bit like those hippies, so she is now Granola.
Dan: This was too easy. He told me he went in to space, so he’s Jetson.
Danielle: Man, I’d give that one a clock. I really don’t need to tell you all where her best assets are, y’all can see that. Anyway, when she talked, I had to hold my ears, I’ve heard this twice before. Romber Spawn she is…hope that stays a while…
Melinda: Have any of you seen those trolls with the pointy hair made out of small plastic? Yeah, I don’t need to explain this one. Troll.
Misty: I didn’t know what to do for this girl, so I looked on the RTVW message boards (happy FC, got the reference in) and this Survivorerist guy? He really likes her. She’ll be Erist’s Muse.
Nick: Well, he’ll just be Nick. Couldn’t be much more snoozetastic in our interview.
Ruth-Marie: I didn’t even need an interview for this one. I went on the CBS website, and she was a health nut, so that’s her name, Health Nut. Not like you’ll need it, she doesn’t do anything.
Sally: Well, I learned she was recently divorced, is dating her best friend, and is a social worker. She should really be careful with that relationship advice. Dr. Phyllis she is.
Shane: He talked to me, and man, he was a walking Marlboro carton. It doesn’t help that he told me my suit was horrible and my music should be buried with the E.T. Cartridges in the desert. His name is Smokey the Bear
Terry: I am a huge Amazing Race fan from way back, he looks Billy Guido. His name? Solo Guido.
Previously On Survivor: Go read Jims’ officially sanctioned summary, given a 6.0 out of 6 by all but the fragile French judge, who gave it a 5.4. I am far too lazy on this Saturday to write about another person’s episode
After a commercial break, we are brought over to the older man’s camp. The Guatemalan ritual gods are still pissed about Stephanie eating the sacrificial chicken and no fury exists like a god who had his dinner stolen. As a result, we got thunder, and lightning, and Smokey the Bear whining. He explains how much he shelter sucks, how much this camp blows, how horrible his life is 4 days in as he is the youngest older male. He also told us about how he lost a parlay bet on the Cowboys and Hornets a week before he left and various other maladies before Mother Nature did what we all wanted to and told him to shut the **** up by almost electrocuting him with heavenly love. Smokey then retreats back into his shelter and shivers just a bit.
We are transferred to Tropicana Field where the younger men’s dorm room has no real ceiling and they are cold, and tired, and pissy but we don’t hear a whole lot. Sheepdog actually comes up with a good idea for the younger males (Young Male Good Ideas: 1, Days On The Island: 3) and he starts taking the rare, fresh water off of the horribly misplaced foliage used as a “roof”. We all have to guess what Phil Gordon is doing, my guess is that he lost with K-K to God’s 8-2 after a 3-4-5-6-7 board.
The next visit is the Lifetime channel, not a lot going on there. They were very proactive though and built a few lakes in the camp, or they’re just flooded. One of the two. They express the sentiment that Survivor isn’t fun so far, which absolutely stuns me. Maybe for others it isn’t , but I’m sure their idea of excitement is going on a deserted island for 39 days and not eat. I misjudged Thailand and crew.
Two words about the Younger Women’s camp: Orgasmic Papaya. Two more: Erist‘s Muse. I don’t need to go much farther than that.