File in, my children. That's it, no pushing, come right in. Take your seats. In today's class, we'll be learning about the anatomy of the human and not-so-human body. Our guest lecturer Dr. Jeff Probst, will be joining us later, and will give us a lesson in proctology.
About midway through the class, we'll have a break, during which you'll be entertained by the Quitboat Quartet with their rendition of "My Heart Will Go On But My Bowels Won't Budge." Then, we'll finish off with Dr. Probst's vacuous description of the digestive system. Snack on something rich in fibre during this session, folks. This ain't no plugged duct.
Sit back and help yourself to some dried prunes, bran muffins and apple juice and let your mind become tightly packed with knowledge, to the point of exploding beyond anything Mr. Clean and the Tidy Bowl Man could ever imagine.
For those of you who didn't bother coming to class last week, because hey, let's face it, this semester's classes have pretty much sucked the hind teat so I wouldn't blame you if you went to the beach party at the campus pub and danced on the kitty-litter-dusted dance floor. Hell, I would. Just watch your step! Hahahaha!! Hahahaha!! *sigh*...
Last time, our top student Terry told us all that he is motivated to kick butt. (As Bruce demonstrates in tonight's lesson, it takes more than sheer motivation to get butts moving.) Courtney, Terry, Bruce and Sally continued their digestive experiment. After weeks of starvation, we "rewarded" them with peanut butter and jam sammiches (or jelly,for you silly Americans) and cold milk. Arass got sent out into the hall to look for the immunity syringe. After failing to find it, he reasoned that Terry must have it, since if someone as godlike as himself didn't find it, it must not be here. Then we all, well, most of us, chowed down on big, fat, juicy burgers and greasy fries. This was Bruce's second huge meal of the lecture. In tonight's class, Bruce will hopefully produce a report on the experiment. If he doesn't produce anything, well, he's as good as expelled. (Expelled. heeheehee.) Oh, and Sally won't be joining us tonight. She got dumped from the course last week.
Heh heh. I said "dumped." Heh heh.
So, if you totally missed last week's class, course notes are here. Thanks, Sorgee.
Okay, so on we go with tonight's crap.
Terry's feeling bummed. Yes, he said that. He said he's "bummed."
Terry gives his report on feewings. Feewings are part of the body, and Terry gets upset that when you guys are all sitting around in your group discussions, you're always asking him what's wrong, and does he want to talk about it? Well, no, he doesn't want to talk about it. He's bummed. Just let him be bummed.
Shane and Danielle hug and Shane tells Danielle that they'll be the first tribe to stick together right to the end. Then he plants the kiss of foreshadowed death on her temple, which is the bulging bone just over the eye.
Bruce, please stop wandering around the class like that with a troubled look on your face. Please sit down.
So now Terry will tell us all once again how he's better than all of us, because of his mental power and strength.
Bruce: "I feel really constipated and sick to my stomach."
Shane: "You can't poop?"
Very good, Shane! *plants gold star on Shane's forehead* Did you all hear that? "Constipated" means you can't poop!
With this, Courtney's hand shoots up in the air and she's all "oh! oh! oh!" and stabbing her hand up high in the air and her eyes are big as twoonies! Yes, Courtney?
Courtney: "I remember once I was so constipated I thought I was having a..a...a..."
Danielle: "A child?"
Courtney: "No. Appendicitis."
A child? Bwwwaaahahahahahaha!! OMG, the whole class has erupted in peals of laughter. Now we know what Danielle's last experience with constipation was like.
Now Bruce, please describe for us what constipation feels like. In detail. Tell us how you're blocked up and it's very, very, very painful. Tell us all the details. We need to hear exactly what it feels like. Oh, and tell us about the last time you, um, expelled, too. Don't leave anything out.
Now it's time to have a look at tonight's first test. You'll see here that I have row of people-sized boxes. People-sized boxes? You mean coffins? Could this be foreshadowing? There's one with Courtney's name (Shane! Stop grinning like a madman!), and we get a good long look at the one that has Bruce's name. In these coffins, you'll find cadavers. Class, I want you to dress up the cadavers to look just like you. Try to get the body parts to match accurately. Especially you, Cirie. Okay, now bring your cadavers to the middle of the class and let's bring in our guest lecturer, Dr. Jeff Probst.